Sophia: [first seeing her sister] Angela?
Angela: No, Gina Lollobrigida.

Sophia: [in confessional at church] I'm not here to confess, Father, I did that a day and a half ago. At my age, how much can I sin? What, I had an impure thought? I'd kill to have an impure thought. But that would be two sins. But now I'm telling you your business. Let me get to the real point of my visit. It's about you and my daughter. I know everything, and frankly, I'm not thrilled.
[Cut to inside the confessional. Sophia thinks the priest she is talking to is Frank, but it's actually a different priest. The priest inside the confessional looks horrified.]
Sophia: Of course, if you want to break your mother's heart and leave the priesthood, that's between you and the Vatican. But there are a few things you should know about Dorothy before you get carried away.
Deacon: [outside confessional] So, Frank, have you made your decision?
Frank: I think I can serve God and the Church better as a teaching priest at St. Helen instead of a parish priest here.
Deacon: Well, we're gonna miss you around here.
Sophia: [inside confessional, still thinking she is talking to Frank] Look, I know priests are men and they have urges. What is it, lust? It'll pass. I do without, you get used to it. Get cable TV.

Sophia: [on Tony] He's the best catch in town! He's got his own hair, his own teeth, and a totally unrestricted driver's license. Hey, at my age, that's like dating Tom Cruise!

Sophia: [upon learning that she's not invited to see Burt Reynolds with the others] Fine, break an old lady's heart. If you need me I'll be out back with the rest of the garbage!

Sophia: Besides, you think I'd ruin Roberta's milestone birthday?
Rose: Milestone? She's 88.
Sophia: Right. After 80, every year without a headstone is a milestone!

Sophia: Dorothy, this could be my big break! With the exposure I get from Rose's movie, I could hawk my recipes all over the country!
Dorothy: Oh, come on Ma, that's ridiculous.
Sophia: Ahh no, if you wanna move your product, you gotta have exposure. All the great Italian chefs had it, Mama Celeste, Chef Boyardee, and Chef Valducci.
Rose: I don't remember Chef Valducci.
Sophia: Oh yeah, he didn't have television exposure, that was indecent exposure. He should have stuffed the cannelloni in the traditional manner.

Sophia: Eighty-one years I've eaten fish on Friday, even when the Pope told me I didn't have to. I go to Mass, I light candles, I say novenas, and for what? So it could all be flushed down the toilet because my daughter insists on going out with Father Happy Pants!
Dorothy: Ma, you're not making it any easier.
Sophia: Look, Dorothy, in the end only you can decide what's right for you, and whatever decision it is, I'll stand by it.
Dorothy: Thanks, Ma.
Sophia: Just remember, make the wrong decision, you'll burn in hell forever. Sleep tight, Pussycat.

Sophia: Everything I have, you try to steal. May the bags under your eyes grow so large your head falls in 'em!
Angela: May your shampoo get mixed up with your Preparation H and shrink your head to the size of a mushroom!!
Dorothy, Blanche, and Sophia sit at the table to eat fried chicken

Sophia: For starters, Jean is a lesbian.
Dorothy: Ma.
Blanche: What's funny about that?
Sophia: You aren't surprised?
Blanche: Of course not. I mean I've never known any personally, but isn't Danny Thomas one?
Dorothy: Not Lebanese, Blanche. Lesbian.

Sophia: I get to go with you? I don't have to stay here and get gassed with the termites? Oh Dorothy, you're such a good daughter.
Dorothy: She'll get over it. And even if she doesn't, who cares? We're going to meet Burt Reynolds!

Sophia: I slept with my two brothers until I was seventeen. I was engaged to one for a very short period of time, but that's a separate story.

Sophia: If you didn't come here to apologize, why don't you leave?
Angela: Why should I apologize?
Sophia: I'll tell you why, because you're nothing but a back-stabbing Judas in sensible shoes!
Angela: Oh, yeah? Well, you know what you are? You're a two-lire tramp with cheap bridgework!
Sophia: May you put your dentures in upside down and chew your head off!
Angela: May your legs grow old and gnarled and withered like an olive branch... [looking at Sophia's legs] you should be so lucky.
Sophia: May your moles grow hair thicker than Jerry Vale's!
Angela: May your marinara sauce never cling to your pasta!
Sophia: Oooooh [biting her own fist], that's it! Come back here and say that to my face!

Sophia: Jealousy is an ugly thing, Dorothy. And so are you, in anything backless.

Sophia: Jean is a nice person. She happens to like girls instead of guys. Some people like cats instead of dogs. Frankly, I'd rather live with a lesbian than a cat.

Sophia: Jean thinks she's in love with Rose.
Blanche: Rose? Jean has the hots for Rose?!! I don't believe it, I do not believe it!
Dorothy: I was pretty surprised myself.
Blanche: Well, I'll bet! To think Jean would prefer Rose over me! That's ridiculous!
Dorothy: Blanche, please!
Blanche: Now you tell me the truth, if you had to pick between me and Rose, who would you pick? Who?
Dorothy: Blanche, pull yourself together!
Blanche: Oh... I'm sorry. Does Rose know?
Dorothy: No.
Blanche: Oh good, I don't think you ought to tell her. After all, she's not as worldly and sophisticated about these things as I am.
Sophia: Absolutely. If she finds out Danny Thomas is a lesbian, it'll break her heart.