Sophia: Rose, I found my lucky handkerchief.
Rose: Where was it?
Sophia: It was in my bra.
Rose: What was it doing in your bra?
Sophia: I was blowing my breasts, Rose.

Sophia: You're absolutely right Dorothy. And I'll tell you something else. A mother sometimes needs her children even more.
Dorothy: Thank you, Ma. That's very sweet.
Sophia: Give me twenty dollars.
Dorothy: No.

Stan: Ask me anything.
Sophia: All right, when the hell are you moving out?
Stan: You kill me.
Sophia: I'd love to.

Stanley: Your EX-husband, darling.
Dorothy: (not missing a beat) I'LL call the police.

Stationmaster: Y'all may think this sounds kinda silly, but we actually printed "Our trains leave early" right on the town seal.
Rose: You have a town seal? Can he play a song on those little horns?
Stationmaster: No, but he can balance a ball on his nose if you throw him a catfish first!
Blanche: This is like the Twilight Zone. Somehow we got on a train that ended up inside Rose's mind.

Woman: [delivering a heatfelt eulogy at Mrs. Claxton's funeral] Yes, Celia Rubinstein loved all mankind! She was...
Dorothy: WHO?!
Woman: Celia Rubenstein.
Blanche: This funeral isn't for Celia Rubenstein, it's for Frieda Claxton!
Mr. Pfeiffer: The Rubenstein funeral is down the hall.
Woman: Oh! Oh, I'm terribly sorry for the intrusion! ...Frieda Claxton, wasn't she the lady who lived in that old house on Richmond Street?
Blanche: Yes.
[The woman gives the coffin a good kick and then leaves the chapel]

[After an emotional Blanche runs into her bedroom, Dorothy and Rose run after her]
Rose: She's in there!
Dorothy: Really, Columbo?

[Big Daddy announces his engagement, and Blanche lets out a scream]
Big Daddy: [about Blanche] Is she happy or sad?
Rose: I'm not sure. I've never heard her make that sound before.
Dorothy: I once heard her make that sound, and I assure you, she was happy.

[Blanche and Dorothy are role-playing to rehearse Dorothy's plan to invite Frank over for dinner, Blanche as Dorothy and Dorothy as Frank.]
Blanche: Why Frank, you know, I've been thinkin', this is the third Saturday of our relationship and I don't even know what you like to eat. Why don't you come over for dinner this Saturday night and let me find out what [breathy and seductively] whets your appetite?
Dorothy: And what are you serving for dessert, Blanche, penicillin?

[Blanche and Rose are on the couch watching an I Love Lucy marathon. Ending music plays.]
Rose: You know, I'm still a little confused. Who exactly is Ricky?
Blanche: Lucy's husband.
Rose: I thought Desi was Lucy's husband.
Blanche: Not on the show.
Rose: Desi wasn't on the show?
Blanche: Desi played Ricky!
Rose: Who did Lucy play?
Blanche: Lucy.
Rose: I know, but who did she play?
Blanche: Lucy!
Rose: Right, but who did she play?
Blanche: Lucy played Lucy!
Rose: Well, then why didn't Desi play Desi?
Blanche: He wasn't tall enough.

[Blanche compares herself to one of "Charlie's Angels"]
Blanche: I once was told I bore a striking resemblence to Miss Cheryl Ladd ... although my bosoms are perkier!
Dorothy: Not even if you were hanging upside-down on a trapeze!

[Blanche fills the entire coffee table with many different snacks from the kitchen.]
Sophia: A few more snacks like that and the only thing you'll be able to fit into is a saddle.
Blanche: I'm not gonna eat all of this at once, Sophia. There's an I Love Lucy marathon on tonight. I'm setting up for 12 straight hours of classic TV.
Sophia: I never cared for that show. Every single episode, Lucy said the same thing. "Ricky, why can't I be in the show? Ricky, why can't I be in the show?" Why couldn't she be in the show? The woman was a riot at home. His show at the club stank. What's so entertaining about a Cuban beating a drum?

[Blanche is explaining to the girls why she gets aroused by Santa Claus]
Blanche: I can't help it. There's something about a man in a Santa Claus suit that just drives me absolutely crazy! I don't know. Maybe it's-- it's the warmth of all that RED HOT SWEATY flannel, set against the austere coldness of those BLACK PANTHER LEATHER jack boots...OR maybe it's because those rosy cheeks and twinkling eyes bespeak a passion that is about to erupt from a man who just spent a COLD LONELY year cooped up with a pack of dwarfs! I'm not sure. All I know is the sight of a Santa sets my body aflame with unbridled desire!
Dorothy: Blanche, you do realize you're in the minority on this?

[Blanche was telling the girls of one particular Christmas Eve where she met 3 or more men that night]
Dorothy: Blanche, I could get herpes listening to this story!

[Dorothy is embarrassed to find out that her date is actually a priest.]
Fr. Leahy: You look lovely tonight.
Dorothy: I look like the mother of a Solid Gold dancer.