Dorothy: [on menopause] What is the big deal, Blanche? It's nothing. Look at it this way: you don't get cramps once a month. You don't go on eating binges once a month. You don't get crazy once a month.
Sophia: You just grow a beard.
Dorothy: Don't listen to her, Blanche.
Sophia: You grow a beard, Dorothy! Believe me, I woke up one morning, I looked like Arafat!
Blanche: Oh, my GOD!
Rose: I never grew a beard!
Sophia: You never grew brains, either!

Dorothy: [referring to her daughter and son-in-law in the kitchen] How long have they been in there?
Rose: Since Lucy went to Scotland!
Dorothy: That would make it over thirty years, Rose.

Dorothy: [seeing Frank as a priest for the first time] ...tell me that's a Nehru jacket.

Dorothy: [sees Angela at the door] Aunt Angela!
Angela: No, Sophia Loren. I stopped using Oil of Olay.

Dorothy: [to Sophia and Angela] Gosh, you two made such a fantastic meal, I can't imagine what you came up with for dessert.
Rose: I made dessert!
Blanche: Damn.
Rose: What'd you say, Blanche?
Blanche: "Yum," I said "yum."
Dorothy: Rose, is this another one of those Scandinavian Viking concoctions?
Rose: Yes! It's called Geneuckenfluegen Cake. It's an ancient recipe, but I Americanized it.
Dorothy: So one might say you brought "Geneuckenfluegen" into the '80s?
Rose: Yes, but I'm not one to blow my own greteugenfruegen.
Sophia: I can't even reach mine!

Dorothy: [upset because Blanche has been going out with Stan] I thought you were my friend.
Blanche: I am your friend!
Dorothy: Then why are you sleeping with my husband?!
[everyone in the grocery store turns and stares]
Blanche: What are y'all lookin' at? Get on back to your LeSueur peas.

Dorothy: [watching a violent movie in a theater with Mario] Woah! Oh, I'm sorry, Mario. I just, I never realized that ripping off a nose would leave that big a hole!

Dorothy: And do not call me Mother Dorothy. I hate it when you call me Mother Dorothy! I feel like I should be handing out rice on the streets of Calcutta!

Dorothy: Did you finish the decorations, Rose?
Rose: No, not yet. I, I kinda got sidetracked. [reveals a mouse-like balloon sculpture] Look. [laughs]
Dorothy: This is what you've been doing for the past forty-five minutes?
Rose: Uh-huh. Isn't he cute? I call him Scotty. [Dorothy pops the balloon]
Dorothy: Now you can call him garbage.

Dorothy: I never belonged to a sorority. I was blackballed.
Rose: Oh, I think that is so cruel. The Alpha Yams didn't have blackballing. We believed that any girl who wanted to help her community and foster a feeling of sisterhood should be allowed to join.
Dorothy: That's very commendable.
Rose: As long as she could castrate a sheep.
Sophia: There was a service organization in Sicily with similar membership requirements, except that instead of a sheep, it usually involved a mayor from a neighboring town.
Dorothy: Ma...
Sophia: Hey, some of Italy's finest sopranos were former mayors.

Dorothy: It is not a fly, Rose.
Rose: Spanish Fly is not a fly?
Dorothy: No.
Rose: What is it?
Dorothy: It's a beetle.
Rose': They call it a fly, but it's really a beetle?
Dorothy: Yes.
Rose: How do they know it's Spanish?
Dorothy: Because it wears a little sombrero, Rose!
Rose: Well why don't they just call it a beetle...Spanish Beetle?
Dorothy: Because they call it Spanish Fly.
Rose: Then what do they call their flies?
Dorothy: I DON'T CARE, ROSE!!! Forget it! I don't care! The minks can just sit there and we'll lose all our money! I don't care! Just don't mention Spanish Fly to me ever again!
Rose: You're really touchy about these Spanish Flies, aren't you.

Dorothy: Let's take it from the top.
Rose: From the top. Oh, that's sounds so musical!
Dorothy: [pointing at the piano] Tickle the ivories, Rose.
Rose: [tickling] Goochie-goochie-goochie-goo! [laughs]
Dorothy: Rose, play or die! [Rose begins playing]
Dorothy: [singing the lyrics] "Miami is nice/So I'll say it twice/Miami is nice/Miami is nice/Miami is..." W-, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute! You put in an extra "Miami is nice"!
Rose: I had to. It hurts the music if you don't put it in.
Dorothy: Yeah, but the lyrics don't make any sense! I mean, it goes, "Miami is nice/So I'll say it twice."
Rose: Oh, I see your point. Well, what about this: "Miami is nice/So I'll say it thrice!"
Dorothy: "Thrice"?! Who the hell says "thrice"?!
Rose: It's a word!
Dorothy: So is "interuterine". It does not belong in a song.
Rose: [playing and singing] Miami, you're cuter than, an interuterine...
[Blanche meets her father's new fiancee who is a young woman]

Dorothy: Ma, did Jean sleep with you last night?
Sophia: Dorothy, there are a lot of things I want to try before I die but that's not one of them.
[Blanche enters]

Dorothy: Ma, don't be ridiculous, just turn up the heat.
Sophia: It's already on 9. On 10, you can cook a Lean Cuisine!

Dorothy: Ma, it's 8 o'clock in the morning, what are you doing with the sherry?
Rose: Don't worry! I'm not gonna drink it. I was just gonna hide it from the dog.