Dorothy: At that moment, I was convinced I'd blown it. I was sure I'd made a bad first impression. But then I met Rose and I realized I could've shown up naked and playing a ukelele and still gotten the room.

Dorothy: Barry [Glick] was the man that I wanted to be the first.
Rose: First where?
Dorothy: On Mars, Rose! My first lover!
Blanche: Well, so what happened?
Dorothy: Stanley, that's what happened, Stanley. I went to a drive-in with Stanley. He said he was being shipped off to Korea, would probably die, and it would mean so much. That was my part of the war effort. It took three seconds. I wasn't sure that we had done anything, actually, until nine months later when the baby came. Then I figured out that we had. You know, that was my only proof.
Rose: (superior) I waited until my wedding night.
[Dorothy puts her nose in the air and mocks Rose's superior attitude.]

Dorothy: Good night Ed. We are going to go home now and I want you to know that we'll all sleep a lot better knowing you're [Dorothy pauses] off duty tonight.

Dorothy: Hi, Ma.
Sophia: So you've started up with your married man again.
Dorothy: How did you know?
Sophia: I'm The Amazing Kreskin! I was listening outside the door.
Dorothy: Oh Ma.
Sophia: Oh, I can't put my ear to the door but you can put your....
Dorothy: Ma!

Dorothy: How am I supposed to study for my French final with a fourteen-year-old in the house? It's hard enough with an eighty-year old.
Sophia: Are you referring to me?
Dorothy: Of course not, Ma. I'm referring to Cary Grant. He's living in the broom closet.

Dorothy: I am exhausted. I went to at least a dozen ticket brokers today. They all told me the only way I'm going to get tickets is to go to a scalper.
Rose: Oh, you can't buy from a scalper! That's a crime!
Dorothy: So is eating grapes at the supermarket but you do that all the time.
Rose: I have to test them!
Dorothy: Rose, one is testing. Fourteen is brunch.
Rose: My God, I'm a criminal!

Dorothy: I am going out with a new man tonight and he is not Italian.
Blanche: Oh, who is he, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Oh, his name is Glenn O'Brien.
Rose: Where'd you meet him?
Sophia: His name is O'Brien. Two to one she met him at a gin mill.

Dorothy: I defrosted some chicken. We'll eat in half an hour.
Sophia: I can't eat chicken. It repeats on me.
Dorothy: Look, Ma, you don't have to make excuses. If you don't want chicken, just say, "I don't want chicken."
Sophia: I don't want chicken.
Dorothy: Good.
Sophia: It repeats on me.
[Dorothy puts her head against the cupboard door in frustration]

Dorothy: I do not snore.
Sophia: Please, I'll bet less disgusting noises come out of Ernest Borgnine!
[later]
Dorothy: Ma, I do not snore.
Sophia: Please, I had to turn you away from the windows so you wouldn't inhale the drapes!

Dorothy: If I don't get at least six hours sleep, I look like Buddy Ebsen!
Blanche: [thinks] Now that you mention it-
Dorothy: Shut up, Blanche.

Dorothy: Let's go out and celebrate.
Sophia: What, that she came out of her room?

Dorothy: Listen, Mom. We cannot afford a new TV. We're using the household money to repair the roof and repave the driveway.
Sophia: Great. And what I am supposed to do while every other old lady on the block is watching Cosby?
Dorothy: Well, you can sit in the new driveway and hope that an amusing black family drops by.

Dorothy: Ma, have a wonderful trip and call me the minute you get there. And please, Ma, try not to argue with Phil's wife.
Sophia: We get along okay. Phil's wife has her good points. She's sweet, she's reliable, and when her father gets out of prison, she'll be a wealthy woman!

Dorothy: Ma, the taxi driver said you promised him a $67 dollar tip!
Sophia: Don't be silly, I said a $6, $7 dollar tip! Why don't these people learn English if they're gonna live here? This is Miami - I'd have less trouble getting around Ecuador!

Dorothy: Okay, okay, we're getting the basic system.
Salesman: Whatever...
Dorothy: But not from you, from your competitor.
Salesman: What?
Dorothy: Because what you were trying to do was terrify us into spending more money than we have! Now get out of here before the victim of violent crime in this house is YOU! [shoos the salesman out the door and slams it]