Sophia: A lie is a lie, which is a sin, which sends ya straight to hell. Who told a lie?
Blanche: Oh, who hasn't?
Sophia: Me. I never lie.
Dorothy: Ma, how much did you lose at the dog track last week?
Sophia: None of your business, and that's the truth!

Sophia: AAAAAAAAAAH!!
Dorothy: What, ma? What?!
Sophia: "What???" You're sitting on top of me! I open my eyes, I see pores like that, I think I'm on the moon!

Sophia: Didn't Aunt Teressa have a heart attack?
Dorothy: No, Aunt Teressa didn't have a heart.
Sophia: Uncle Nunzio?
Dorothy: Uncle Nunzio died to get away from Aunt Teressa.

Sophia: Fine, let a dead guy lie there. It's gonna be 98 degrees today. It won't be pretty.
Dorothy: Oh, I'm sure he's not dead. Rose, go look.
Rose: Come on Dorothy, he's sleeping. I don't want to wake him.
Sophia: You could light firecrackers in his nostrils, you won't wake him.

Sophia: I'm an old white woman. I'm not supposed to have color. You want color? Talk to Lena Horne.

Sophia: Let me tell you a story. Sicily. 1912. Picture this. Two young girls, best friends, who share three things: a pizza recipe, some dough and a dream. Everything is going great until one day a fast talking pepperoni salesman gallops into town. Of course, both girls are impressed. He dates one one night, the other the next night. Pretty soon, he drives a wedge between them. Before you know it, the pizza suffers, the business suffers, the friendship suffers. The girls part company and head for America, never to see one another again. Rose, one of those girls was me. The other one you probably know as Mama Celeste.

Sophia: My son married a welder. Too bad she didn't weld his zipper shut; they got ten kids they can't afford.

Sophia: Oh Dorothy, can I make a little suggestion when you go for your makeover?
Dorothy: Sure. What is it?
Sophia: Don't expect a miracle.

Sophia: Ohhhh!
Dorothy: What, ma? What?!
Sophia: Pain.
Dorothy: What kind of pain?
Sophia: The kind that hurts!

Sophia: Was that a plumber?
Dorothy: No, Ma, it was a little girl selling Girl Scout toilets.

Sophia: We're out of pepperoni.
Dorothy: [fake gasps] Did you call Dan Rather?

Sophia: When I thought I was moving, I was going to give each one of you a gift, but I want you to have them anyway. [hands a wrapped package to each of the girls]
Blanche: Why Sophia, how sweet!
Rose: Oh honey, you shouldn't have!
Dorothy: [opening her package] Oh Ma, this is so lovely... and so familiar... this is mine. I thought the cleaner lost it.
Sophia: I told you the cleaner lost it. I took it. I needed something to go with my black sweater.
Rose: [examining the sweater in her package] This is my black sweater!
Sophia: I know. It goes great with...
Blanche: ...my pearls.
Sophia: Well, enjoy and be healthy! [leaves]

Stan: [sobbing] Chrissy left me for a younger man!
Dorothy: Younger than Chrissy? Where did she meet him, Camp Snoopy?
Stan: I didn't want to say anything. What the hell, you deserve to gloat a little.
Dorothy: I deserve to gloat a lot! But I can't. I know what the pain is like and I wouldn't wish it on... I don't know how to finish that sentence. I usually say, "Stan."

Store Worker: Those are very nice cantaloupes.
Blanche: [thinking he meant her breasts] Why thank you.

Virginia: [about her and Blanche's other sister Charmaine] She never could help Mama because she had heart flutters and she never could take gym class, no, because she had a tipped uterus and she never did any housework because she had a spastic colon. Now, she has attached kidneys.
Blanche That girl is some kind of mutant.