Blanche: You've probably haven't noticed it, but I've put on three pounds.
Sophia: On each side.

Blanche:[to Dorothy] Eat dirt and die, trash.

Bonnie: A few years ago, I had a mastectomy. And well, now I'm back for another.
Dorothy: And you're not scared?
Bonnie: I'm petrified. Nobody's that brave, except on TV and in the movies. I remember crying when they first told me, and I don't think I stopped until they wheeled me into surgery. Then afterward, I cried because I thought the pain would never go away. But it did. And it will again. You get through it. You move on. It could have been a lot worse, I could have missed these past three years....(after she goes quiet) Dorothy? Are you all right? How do you feel?
Dorothy: Like a fool. Like a damn fool.

Buddy: Rose Nylund?
Sophia: No, and if I start acting like her, pull the plug!

Burt Reynolds: [to Sophia] Which one's the slut?
Dorothy, Rose, Blanche: I AM!!!

Cowboy #2: Howdy, ladies. My name's Rusty. I don't recollect seeing you two fillies 'round these parts. Mind if a lonesome cowboy puts his saddlebags 'round your campf...
Dorothy: Give us a break, would you mac!

Daisy: [holding a water pistol to Fernando the teddy bear's head] See this water pistol? It's loaded with red ink!
[Rose walks in]
Blanche: Oh Rose, don't move, honey! She's got the teddy bear and a water pistol!

Dororhy: [asking the veterinarian after Baby's collapsed] How is Baby, doc?
Sophia: I read in Newsweek they ran him out of Haiti!

Dorothy: "Other girls who will take their money." Do you know who they think we are?
Rose: Waitresses!
Dorothy: No Rose, hookers.

Dorothy: $5000...we don't have that kind of money!
IRS Auditor: Uncle Sam doesn't like to hear that.
Dorothy: Aunt Dorothy doesn't enjoy saying it!
IRS Auditor: I expect you each to cough up $2500 in 30 days.
Dorothy: What if we can't!
IRS Auditor: We'll just have to put a lien on your bank accounts, your property, and your salaries, and if THAT doesn't work, we'll just have to incarcerate you.
Stan: Oh my God. We're going to jail! [breaks down in tears]
Dorothy: That's right Stanley, and please, let me know where you and Bubba register for your china. [slaps him on the back and storms out]

Dorothy: (watching her roommate stretch) Why are you doing those exercises?
Bonnie: No reason. I just like to stay healthy.
Dorothy: I hate to break it to you, Bonnie, but you're in a hospital. The exercises aren't working.

Dorothy: [about Sophia] She's really a very sweet woman. She just doesn't like to show it.
Al Mullins: Is that a family trait?

Dorothy: [coming in from the pouring rain] Whew, it is really coming down!
Rose: What's coming down?
Dorothy: [pauses, then responds crossly] The Liberace marquee at Caesar's Palace.

Dorothy: [deep voice, pretending to be God] Rose, thanks for the lovely prayer. Now shut up and get into bed.
Rose: Amen! [gets into bed]
Blanche: Nice work, Dorothy.
Dorothy: Wasn't me.
Blanche: [starts to look worried] Sweet Jesus, am I in trouble! [begins to pray] Now I lay me down to sleep...

Dorothy: [describing a dream she had] I was a contestant on The Dating Game, and I won. I went around the corner to meet the bachelor who picked me, and it was the Pope.
Blanche: Boy, that is a tough one. Where'd you go on the date?
Dorothy: Oh, forget it, forget it, good night Blanche.