Dorothy: [examining photo in newspaper of Gil Kessler's alleged "mistress"] Wait a minute, that looks like Blanche's red dress!
Sophia: And those look like Blanche's red shoes!
Dorothy: And aren't they her diamond earrings and gold bracelet?
Rose: That little floozy stole Blanche's clothes!!!
Dorothy: It's like having Agatha Christie right here in our kitchen.

Dorothy: [handing Priscilla a crystal goblet after Priscilla announces she and Ramón are eloping] Listen, we were going to give you your wedding gift tomorrow, but since we won't see you, why don't you take it home with you tonight?
Priscilla: Oh, thank you! [she quickly leaves]
Blanche: Good night. [To Dorothy] Dorothy, are you crazy?! We're going to lose a fortune on this wedding!
Rose: And you let her march out that door with your best piece of crystal!
Dorothy: [into the telephone] Hello, police? Yes, I'd like to report a robbery.

Dorothy: [in Rose's dream, about the wedding] You can't disappoint your guests.
Rose: The guests? But I have to think about what's best for me!
Dorothy: That's only in real life, Rose. In a dream, you do what's best for the guests.

Dorothy: [on getting robbed] It has nothing to do with energy, it has nothing to do with being single. It has to do with a lousy lock on a sliding door and massive unemployment. Now, I'm going into my room. Call me when the cops come.
Rose: We're all employed, Dorothy, except your mother. I wouldn't call that massive.
Dorothy: Good night Rose. Go to sleep, sweetheart. Pray for brains.

Dorothy: [on menopause] What is the big deal, Blanche? It's nothing. Look at it this way: you don't get cramps once a month. You don't go on eating binges once a month. You don't get crazy once a month.
Sophia: You just grow a beard.
Dorothy: Don't listen to her, Blanche.
Sophia: You grow a beard, Dorothy! Believe me, I woke up one morning, I looked like Arafat!
Blanche: Oh, my GOD!
Rose: I never grew a beard!
Sophia: You never grew brains, either!

Dorothy: [on the phone, trying to get Frank Sinatra tickets] It's what? ... Why, you... you've kept me on hold all this time to tell me that it is sold out?!! ... NO, NO, I WILL NOT HAVE A NICE DAY!!! [slams down phone]

Dorothy: [on why she was afraid to talk in class as a child] I had a slight speech impediment. I mean, it's different for kids these days, you know, they have Barbara Walters to look up to. But in those days, it really stood out, you know? Oh, I don't know, it must have taken three months before I could muster up the courage, you know, to talk to Mrs. Lenhoff, but it turned out to be the smartest thing I could have done, because not only did she help me, you know, with the speech problem, she was the one who inspired me to go into the teaching profession.
Blanche: You know what, I think tomorrow after class, I will talk to Professor Cooper.
Dorothy: Good girl!
Rose: Whatever happened to your teacher, Mrs. Lenhoff?
Dorothy: Oh gosh, the last I heard, she retired from teaching and opened a bed and breakfast someplace in Whode Island. [pauses] ... Rhode Island.

Dorothy: [on why the girls made up on their return flight] There was nothing else we could do. It was either that or watch Three Amigos! with a headset.

Dorothy: [referring to her daughter and son-in-law in the kitchen] How long have they been in there?
Rose: Since Lucy went to Scotland!
Dorothy: That would make it over thirty years, Rose.

Dorothy: [seeing Frank as a priest for the first time] ...tell me that's a Nehru jacket.

Dorothy: [sees Angela at the door] Aunt Angela!
Angela: No, Sophia Loren. I stopped using Oil of Olay.

Dorothy: [sees Vincenzo's elderly crew working on the guestroom] Looks like the road company of Cocoon.

Dorothy: [sorting through items for their garage sale] Will you look at this? I got this doll on my tenth birthday. Oh, I can't believe I kept her after all these years. Her hair's falling out, her clothes are all worn. [sniffing as Sophia enters the room] And she smells of mothballs.
Sophia: Hey, I may not be Ann-Margret but I'm still your mother!

Dorothy: [taking microphone at restaurant] Ladies and gentlemen! May I have your attention please? The gentleman at table five, in the blue suit [meaning Ted], is impotent. Bon appetit.

Dorothy: [to Greta] Look, race is not even an issue. I mean, your daughter is twice my son's age! What can a woman in her 40's possibly have in common with a boy in his 20's?
Blanche: Sex! At 20, a man is at his peak. And a woman in her 40's is also at her peak, so when the two come together, hot damn !