Dorothy: [to Sophia and Angela] Gosh, you two made such a fantastic meal, I can't imagine what you came up with for dessert.
Rose: I made dessert!
Blanche: Damn.
Rose: What'd you say, Blanche?
Blanche: "Yum," I said "yum."
Dorothy: Rose, is this another one of those Scandinavian Viking concoctions?
Rose: Yes! It's called Geneuckenfluegen Cake. It's an ancient recipe, but I Americanized it.
Dorothy: So one might say you brought "Geneuckenfluegen" into the '80s?
Rose: Yes, but I'm not one to blow my own greteugenfruegen.
Sophia: I can't even reach mine!

Dorothy: [upon learning that the airport is closed because of the hurricane] That means we could be trapped together for days!
Blanche: [still in nun's costume] Oh, JESUS!
[Angelo, who is unaware that Blanche isn't really a nun, looks at her with a shocked expression.]
Blanche: ...Please protect us and watch over us in this our hour of need!
Dorothy: Amen!

Dorothy: [upset because Blanche has been going out with Stan] I thought you were my friend.
Blanche: I am your friend!
Dorothy: Then why are you sleeping with my husband?!
[everyone in the grocery store turns and stares]
Blanche: What are y'all lookin' at? Get on back to your LeSueur peas.

Dorothy: [watching a violent movie in a theater with Mario] Woah! Oh, I'm sorry, Mario. I just, I never realized that ripping off a nose would leave that big a hole!

Dorothy: And do not call me Mother Dorothy. I hate it when you call me Mother Dorothy! I feel like I should be handing out rice on the streets of Calcutta!

Dorothy: At that moment, I was convinced I'd blown it. I was sure I'd made a bad first impression. But then I met Rose and I realized I could've shown up naked and playing a ukelele and still gotten the room.

Dorothy: Barry [Glick] was the man that I wanted to be the first.
Rose: First where?
Dorothy: On Mars, Rose! My first lover!
Blanche: Well, so what happened?
Dorothy: Stanley, that's what happened, Stanley. I went to a drive-in with Stanley. He said he was being shipped off to Korea, would probably die, and it would mean so much. That was my part of the war effort. It took three seconds. I wasn't sure that we had done anything, actually, until nine months later when the baby came. Then I figured out that we had. You know, that was my only proof.
Rose: (superior) I waited until my wedding night.
[Dorothy puts her nose in the air and mocks Rose's superior attitude.]

Dorothy: Did you finish the decorations, Rose?
Rose: No, not yet. I, I kinda got sidetracked. [reveals a mouse-like balloon sculpture] Look. [laughs]
Dorothy: This is what you've been doing for the past forty-five minutes?
Rose: Uh-huh. Isn't he cute? I call him Scotty. [Dorothy pops the balloon]
Dorothy: Now you can call him garbage.

Dorothy: Ernie, listen to me and listen good. If you walk out that door right now, you can forget about ever coming back. I sound like I'm on Ryan's Hope.

Dorothy: Floozy.
Blanche: Tramp.
Dorothy: I, I am a tramp? Blanche, have you heard the latest ad campaigns? "Join the Navy, see the world, sleep with Blanche Devereaux!" "Join the Army, be all you can be and sleep with Blanche Devereaux!" [raising voice] The Marines are looking for a few good men who have NOT slept with Blanche Devereaux!

Dorothy: Girls, I have some bad news. I am not going to be able to go with you [to the funeral].
Rose: Why not?
Dorothy: It's Ma. She's sick. I'm going to have to take her to the hospital.
Blanche: Oh, Doro-... wait a minute! She - she left for that cooking contest about ten minutes ago!
Dorothy: She called. She had a bad cannoli when she got there. Right now she is doubled over with cramps, crying out with pain and... [Sophia enters the house, looking perfectly healthy]... making the most spectacular comeback since Dennis Hopper!
Rose: Are you all right, Sophia?
Sophia: Of course I'm all right. It's just that halfway to the contest, I realized I forgot the wine.
Rose: For your mussels marinara?
Sophia: No, for me. I always drink wine during cooking contests and My Sister Sam.
Rose: Dorothy, Sophia's not sick! She didn't eat a bad cannoli! So whoever called and said that was just making the whole thing up.

Dorothy: Good night Ed. We are going to go home now and I want you to know that we'll all sleep a lot better knowing you're [Dorothy pauses] off duty tonight.

Dorothy: Hi girls, tell me, how did the audition for the play go?
Blanche: Awful! We just got two tiny parts.
Rose: We're doing The Sound of Music and Blanche is mad 'cause she didn't get the lead.
Dorothy: Oh, I can't believe that you weren't cast in the lead role! You've gotten it the past five years in a row!
Blanche: Well, they hired a new director this year, and he has no taste.
Rose: Blanche used to sleep with the old one. The new director's gay!
Blanche: A gay theater director, did you ever hear of such a thing?
Dorothy: That's absolutely shocking. The next thing you know, they'll have black basketball players in the NBA.

Dorothy: Hi, Ma.
Sophia: So you've started up with your married man again.
Dorothy: How did you know?
Sophia: I'm The Amazing Kreskin! I was listening outside the door.
Dorothy: Oh Ma.
Sophia: Oh, I can't put my ear to the door but you can put your....
Dorothy: Ma!

Dorothy: How am I supposed to study for my French final with a fourteen-year-old in the house? It's hard enough with an eighty-year old.
Sophia: Are you referring to me?
Dorothy: Of course not, Ma. I'm referring to Cary Grant. He's living in the broom closet.