Dorothy: I am exhausted. I went to at least a dozen ticket brokers today. They all told me the only way I'm going to get tickets is to go to a scalper.
Rose: Oh, you can't buy from a scalper! That's a crime!
Dorothy: So is eating grapes at the supermarket but you do that all the time.
Rose: I have to test them!
Dorothy: Rose, one is testing. Fourteen is brunch.
Rose: My God, I'm a criminal!

Dorothy: I am going out with a new man tonight and he is not Italian.
Blanche: Oh, who is he, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Oh, his name is Glenn O'Brien.
Rose: Where'd you meet him?
Sophia: His name is O'Brien. Two to one she met him at a gin mill.

Dorothy: I cannot believe my mother is hanging out with that cheap hood!
Rose: You mean Rocco?
Dorothy: No, Rose, I mean Spiro Agnew. He gave her a highway contract instead of an ID bracelet.

Dorothy: I defrosted some chicken. We'll eat in half an hour.
Sophia: I can't eat chicken. It repeats on me.
Dorothy: Look, Ma, you don't have to make excuses. If you don't want chicken, just say, "I don't want chicken."
Sophia: I don't want chicken.
Dorothy: Good.
Sophia: It repeats on me.
[Dorothy puts her head against the cupboard door in frustration]

Dorothy: I do not snore.
Sophia: Please, I'll bet less disgusting noises come out of Ernest Borgnine!
[later]
Dorothy: Ma, I do not snore.
Sophia: Please, I had to turn you away from the windows so you wouldn't inhale the drapes!

Dorothy: I mean, when you look at it, has anything that out of the ordinary really happened?
[suddenly a man in a crow costume parachutes down onto the lanai.]
Man: This isn't the Orange Bowl, is it?

Dorothy: I never belonged to a sorority. I was blackballed.
Rose: Oh, I think that is so cruel. The Alpha Yams didn't have blackballing. We believed that any girl who wanted to help her community and foster a feeling of sisterhood should be allowed to join.
Dorothy: That's very commendable.
Rose: As long as she could castrate a sheep.
Sophia: There was a service organization in Sicily with similar membership requirements, except that instead of a sheep, it usually involved a mayor from a neighboring town.
Dorothy: Ma...
Sophia: Hey, some of Italy's finest sopranos were former mayors.

Dorothy: If I don't get at least six hours sleep, I look like Buddy Ebsen!
Blanche: [thinks] Now that you mention it-
Dorothy: Shut up, Blanche.

Dorothy: It is not a fly, Rose.
Rose: Spanish Fly is not a fly?
Dorothy: No.
Rose: What is it?
Dorothy: It's a beetle.
Rose': They call it a fly, but it's really a beetle?
Dorothy: Yes.
Rose: How do they know it's Spanish?
Dorothy: Because it wears a little sombrero, Rose!
Rose: Well why don't they just call it a beetle...Spanish Beetle?
Dorothy: Because they call it Spanish Fly.
Rose: Then what do they call their flies?
Dorothy: I DON'T CARE, ROSE!!! Forget it! I don't care! The minks can just sit there and we'll lose all our money! I don't care! Just don't mention Spanish Fly to me ever again!
Rose: You're really touchy about these Spanish Flies, aren't you.

Dorothy: Let's go out and celebrate.
Sophia: What, that she came out of her room?

Dorothy: Let's take it from the top.
Rose: From the top. Oh, that's sounds so musical!
Dorothy: [pointing at the piano] Tickle the ivories, Rose.
Rose: [tickling] Goochie-goochie-goochie-goo! [laughs]
Dorothy: Rose, play or die! [Rose begins playing]
Dorothy: [singing the lyrics] "Miami is nice/So I'll say it twice/Miami is nice/Miami is nice/Miami is..." W-, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute! You put in an extra "Miami is nice"!
Rose: I had to. It hurts the music if you don't put it in.
Dorothy: Yeah, but the lyrics don't make any sense! I mean, it goes, "Miami is nice/So I'll say it twice."
Rose: Oh, I see your point. Well, what about this: "Miami is nice/So I'll say it thrice!"
Dorothy: "Thrice"?! Who the hell says "thrice"?!
Rose: It's a word!
Dorothy: So is "interuterine". It does not belong in a song.
Rose: [playing and singing] Miami, you're cuter than, an interuterine...
[Blanche meets her father's new fiancee who is a young woman]

Dorothy: Listen, Mom. We cannot afford a new TV. We're using the household money to repair the roof and repave the driveway.
Sophia: Great. And what I am supposed to do while every other old lady on the block is watching Cosby?
Dorothy: Well, you can sit in the new driveway and hope that an amusing black family drops by.

Dorothy: Look, Mrs. Wagner, I'm not thrilled about my son marrying your daughter either.
Greta: Oh yeah? Why, you got something against black people?
Blanche: Of course not! And I resent the insinuation! Why, we firmly believe that all men are created equal!!
Rose: That's a bunch of bologna!
Dorothy: Rose!!!
Rose: Well it is! If you don't believe me, just turn on your television set and watch a white person dance down the line on Soul Train.

Dorothy: Look, why don't you just admit that this is all because you don't like Barbara Thorndyke.
Blanche: Alright, I don't like Barbara Thorndyke. I think she's a phony.
Dorothy: Oh, this from a woman who tells her dates that she was Angie Dickinson's body double in Dressed To Kill.
Blanche: That's just a little white lie.
Dorothy: Oh yeah? Then why is it on your job resume?!

Dorothy: Ma, another hot toddy? I think I've had enough!
Sophia: Shut up and drink.
Dorothy: This is the fourth one! Ma, that's an awful lot of whiskey!
Sophia: I only put whiskey in the first one.
Dorothy: Oh.
Sophia: The second and third were vodka.
Dorothy: No wonder my head is spinning!
Sophia: This one's part Amaretto, part Sambuca. That should kill everything. It killed your father.