[Cliff and Theo are discussing Theo's grades and his possible future]
Cliff: You graduate from High school; let's say you just slide by. Now you gotta find a job. Now what kind of salary do you expect for a regular person?
Theo: Uhh, $250 a week.
Cliff: Sit down. [giving Theo Monopoly money] I'm gonna give you $300 a week. Yes indeed. $300 a week, $1200 dollars a month.
Theo: Great! I'll take it!
Cliff: Yes you will, and I will take [takes some of the money] $350 for taxes.
Theo: Whoa!
Cliff: Uh, yeah. You see, the government comes for the regular people first. Now how much does that leave you with?
Theo: $850.
Cliff:: All right. Now you have got to have an apartment, because you are not going to live here. [taking more money] So an apartment in Manhattan will run you at least $400 a month.
Theo: I'll live in New Jersey. [takes back $200]
Cliff: All right, you live in New Jersey, you've got to have a car. [takes $300]
Theo: I'll ride a motorbike. [takes back $100]
Cliff: You need a helmet. [Cliff takes $50] Figure $100 a month for clothes and shoes. [takes $100]
Theo: Figure $200 a month, I want to look good! [give Cliff $100]
Cliff: So what's that leave you with?
Theo: $200. So, no problem!
Cliff: There is a problem, you haven't eaten yet! [Cliff takes $100]
Theo: I can get by on baloney and cereal. [takes back $100] So I've got everything under control PLUS $200 left for the month.
Cliff: You plan to have a girlfriend?
Theo: For sure.
[Cliff takes the remaining $200]
Cliff: [pointing at Theo's empty hand] Regular people.

[Cliff is excited and jittery that his son made the school football team]
Claire: Cliff, now this may be impossible, but do you think you can calm down?
Cliff: [happily swerving] Calm? Sure I can be calm!
Claire: Cliff, your eyes are dancing.
Cliff: Are they? [walks to a mirror] Let me see. [looks in the mirror] They are, aren't they? They are! They are dancing!
Claire: Cliff, come on now sit down.
Cliff: No no, do me a favor, do me a favor, say it again. I wanna see them dance, let 'em go! Let 'em go! Say it!
Claire: Football!
Cliff: THERE THEY GO!

[Cliff is excited and jittery that his son made the school football team]
Claire: Cliff, now this may be impossible, but do you think you can calm down?
Cliff: [happily swerving] Calm? Sure I can be calm!
Claire: Cliff, your eyes are dancing.
Cliff: Are they? [walks to a mirror] Let me see. [looks in the mirror] They are, aren't they? They are! They are dancing!
Claire: Cliff, come on now sit down.
Cliff: No no, do me a favor, do me a favor, say it again. I wanna see them dance, let 'em go! Let 'em go! Say it!
Claire: Football!
Cliff: THERE THEY GO!

[Cliff is instructing Theo how to carve a turkey]
Cliff: [imitating Julia Child] First, you slice ever so gently along the grain, following the contour of the bird.
Theo: Dad, why are you talking like that?
Cliff: [still imitating Julia Child] I have no idea; it's just that it makes me feel more secure when I'm in the kitchen.

[Cliff is instructing Theo how to carve a turkey]
Cliff: [imitating Julia Child] First, you slice ever so gently along the grain, following the contour of the bird.
Theo: Dad, why are you talking like that?
Cliff: [still imitating Julia Child] I have no idea; it's just that it makes me feel more secure when I'm in the kitchen.

[Cliff is opening Rudy's gift to him]
Cliff: Da-dadada-dan dan dan DAAA!
[Cliff opens the gift to reveal a tube of Tennis Balls]
Cliff: Tennis balls!
Rudy: I hope they're the right size.
Cliff: I'm sure they're the right size! Let me see. [opens up the canister]
Rudy: I looked in your closet, and there was only one left.
Cliff: And you know what, they are the right size!

[Cliff is opening Rudy's gift to him]
Cliff: Da-dadada-dan dan dan DAAA!
[Cliff opens the gift to reveal a tube of Tennis Balls]
Cliff: Tennis balls!
Rudy: I hope they're the right size.
Cliff: I'm sure they're the right size! Let me see. [opens up the canister]
Rudy: I looked in your closet, and there was only one left.
Cliff: And you know what, they are the right size!

[Cliff walks downstairs wearing a bunch of outrageous things he's gotten in the past for Father's Day]
Rudy: Dad you look funny!
Cliff: Well thank you!
Rudy: You're welcome!

[Cliff walks downstairs wearing a bunch of outrageous things he's gotten in the past for Father's Day]
Rudy: Dad you look funny!
Cliff: Well thank you!
Rudy: You're welcome!

[Vanessa is playing the clarinet badly while Cliff and Theo are playing chess]
Cliff: [starts destroying the game] That´s it, halftime.
Theo: Dad, there's no halftime in chess!
Cliff: The band is playing, so that's halftime.

[Vanessa is playing the clarinet badly while Cliff and Theo are playing chess]
Cliff: [starts destroying the game] That´s it, halftime.
Theo: Dad, there's no halftime in chess!
Cliff: The band is playing, so that's halftime.