Theo: I mean, you're a doctor and Mom's a lawyer, but I don't love you any less because you're my dad. So instead of being disappointed that I'm not like you, maybe you should be happy and love me anyway, because I'm your son.
Cliff: Theo... That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life! No wonder you get D's in everything! You're afraid to try because you're afraid your brain is going to explode and it's going to ooze out of your ears. Now I'm telling you, you are going to try as hard as you can. And you're going to do it because I said so. I am your father. I brought you in this world, and I'll take you out!

[Cliff and Theo are discussing Theo's grades and his possible future]
Cliff: You graduate from High school; let's say you just slide by. Now you gotta find a job. Now what kind of salary do you expect for a regular person?
Theo: Uhh, $250 a week.
Cliff: Sit down. [giving Theo Monopoly money] I'm gonna give you $300 a week. Yes indeed. $300 a week, $1200 dollars a month.
Theo: Great! I'll take it!
Cliff: Yes you will, and I will take [takes some of the money] $350 for taxes.
Theo: Whoa!
Cliff: Uh, yeah. You see, the government comes for the regular people first. Now how much does that leave you with?
Theo: $850.
Cliff:: All right. Now you have got to have an apartment, because you are not going to live here. [taking more money] So an apartment in Manhattan will run you at least $400 a month.
Theo: I'll live in New Jersey. [takes back $200]
Cliff: All right, you live in New Jersey, you've got to have a car. [takes $300]
Theo: I'll ride a motorbike. [takes back $100]
Cliff: You need a helmet. [Cliff takes $50] Figure $100 a month for clothes and shoes. [takes $100]
Theo: Figure $200 a month, I want to look good! [give Cliff $100]
Cliff: So what's that leave you with?
Theo: $200. So, no problem!
Cliff: There is a problem, you haven't eaten yet! [Cliff takes $100]
Theo: I can get by on baloney and cereal. [takes back $100] So I've got everything under control PLUS $200 left for the month.
Cliff: You plan to have a girlfriend?
Theo: For sure.
[Cliff takes the remaining $200]
Cliff: [pointing at Theo's empty hand] Regular people.

Cliff: Take the sunglasses off! [Denise takes them off, revealing weird make up on the side of her face] Put the sunglasses on!

Denise: Dad, it's okay to be weird here, but you're going outside the house now.
Theo: He's a minister, Dad, he'll tell God we're crazy.
Cliff: We are here to say good bye to Lamont, the goldfish. Vanessa: I always felt safe with him around.

Vanessa: There is no fun in my life!
Cliff: As you get older, it gets worse.

Cliff: What did I tell you about pushing your sister?
Vanessa: I'm just hurrying her along.
Cliff: That's fine, she's only 5 now, but she IS going to grow up and she MAY get into body building. And then she'll track you down and say "Remember all the times you used to push me around?" and clean your clock!

[Cliff is excited and jittery that his son made the school football team]
Claire: Cliff, now this may be impossible, but do you think you can calm down?
Cliff: [happily swerving] Calm? Sure I can be calm!
Claire: Cliff, your eyes are dancing.
Cliff: Are they? [walks to a mirror] Let me see. [looks in the mirror] They are, aren't they? They are! They are dancing!
Claire: Cliff, come on now sit down.
Cliff: No no, do me a favor, do me a favor, say it again. I wanna see them dance, let 'em go! Let 'em go! Say it!
Claire: Football!
Cliff: THERE THEY GO!

Claire: We are very fortunate to have the children, Cliff. Otherwise we would never know the joy of leaving them at home.

Cliff: I'll give you thirty dollars.
Theo: Thirty?!
Cliff: 'Kay then, five!

Cliff: No 14-year-old boy should have a $95 shirt unless he's on stage with his 4 brothers.
...
Cliff: I don't have a $95 shirt, and I have a JOB.

Theo: [cleaning the kitchen] Dad is it okay if I take a break now?
Cliff: Yeah, uh you've been working five minutes straight now.

Cliff's Father: [about Theo] Where are you sending him?
Cliff: If he picks up his grades, high school.

[Claire is babysitting a baby]
Claire: Oh just holding him sets off all these weird stirs, and I wonder if I don't want another one...
Cliff: Uhh, let me help you. You don't.
Claire: So, you're saying you don't want another one?
Cliff: Claire, sometimes I don't even want the ones we have now.

Claire's Mother: When you and Cliff got married, what did I say?
Claire: You wanted me to have a child.
Claire's Mother: Why?
Claire: Revenge.

Cliff: [after a long screeched note on a clarinet is heard downstairs] Have we moved closer to the river?
[More sounds]
Theo: You think she's blowing through the right end?
[Even worse sounds]
Cliff: I think she just killed a goose.