Penny: [after Zack leaves] You know, for a bunch of guys who claim to have spent a lot of their life being bullied, you can be real jerks. Shame on all of you.
Raj: [after Penny closes the door] What the hell did I do?
Penny: [opening door back up] You laughed. [Raj immediately shuts up]

Penny: [to Howard] Y'know, I think I know how you did the card trick.
Sheldon: Oh, please. If I don't know, you don't know. That's axiomatic.
Penny: C'mere. [whispers in Howard's ear]
Howard: You're right.
Penny: Not too bad for someone who doesn't know what "axiomatic" means.

Penny: [While watching Raiders of the Lost Ark] You know, I could totally rock a hat like that.
Sheldon: That's the work of noted Hollywood costume designer Deborah Nadoolman. She also designed the iconic red and black jacket in Michael Jackson's Thriller video, which I've never watched in its entirety as I find zombies dancing in choreographed synchronicity implausible. Also it's really scary.
Leonard: Can somebody please turn off the Sheldon commentary track?
Sheldon: There's no switch, just listen and learn.

Penny: Alrighty! What's new?
Amy: Well, just recently I learned that you refer to us as "Shamy", and I don't like that.
Penny: Uh, I got it, but what I was going for was--you know--how's your life?
Amy: Like everybody else's: subject to entropy, decay, and eventual death. Thank you for asking.

Penny: Did you know that last weekend Priya took Leonard rollerblading on the beach? Can you believe that?
Bernadette: I feel like I'm supposed to say �that bitch!��, but I don't have enough information.
Penny: I'm the one who spent two years trying to get him to even go to the beach in the first place. He was so phobic about stepping on medical waste I'd carry him to the water.
Bernadette: I took Howard to the beach once. He almost burst into flames like a vampire.
Penny: So what's the thanks that I get for turning Leonard into a quality boyfriend material? I have to tiptoe around his new girlfriend!
Amy: [to Bernadette] I think you're on.
Bernadette: Oh. [To Penny] That bitch!

Penny: Hey, here's another possible topic of conversation. This is a big night for Sheldon. Right, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Big night? The winter solstice is a big night. It's over fourteen hours in Southern California.
Amy: That's an amusing factoid.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Penny: No, no. My point is tonight is Sheldon's first official date. Discuss.
Amy: Is this true?
Sheldon: Apparently, a semi-incestuous Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown didn't count.
Penny: So, Amy, what about you? Do you date much?
Amy: Once a year. It's a deal I made with my mother in exchange for her silence on the matter, as well as the occasional use of her George Foreman Grill that seals in the flavor without the fat. How about you, Penny? Do you go on many dates?
Penny: Uh, I wouldn't say many. A few. [Sheldon chuckles] What's [imitating chuckle]?
Sheldon: Your characterization of approximately 171 different men as "a few."
Penny: Wha-Where did you get 171 men?
Sheldon: Simple extrapolation. In the three years that I've known you, you were single for two. During that time, I saw 17 different suitors. If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias and postulate an initial dating age of 15...
Penny: Whoa, wait, wait, wait, I did not start dating at 15.
Sheldon: I'm sorry. 16?
Penny: 14.
Sheldon: My mistake. Now, assuming the left side of a bell curve peaking around the present, that would bring the total up to...193 men. Plus or minus eight men.
Amy: Remarkable. Do you have sexual intercourse with all of these men?
Penny: No!
Sheldon: Although that number would be fairly easy to calculate. Based on the number of awkward encounters I've had with strange men leaving her apartment in the morning, plus the number of times she's returned home wearing the same clothes she wore the night before...
Penny: Okay, Sheldon, I think you made your point.
Sheldon: So we multiply 193--minus 21 men before the loss of virginity so--172 * .18 gives us...30.96 sexual partners. Let's round that up to 31.
Penny: Okay, Sheldon, you are so wrong. That is not even close to the real number. [To a passing waiter] I'm gonna need a drink over here.
Amy: This is very interesting. Cultural perceptions are subjective. Penny, to your mind, are you a slut?
Penny: No! No! [suddenly unsure] No. Let's just all finish our dinners, okay?
Sheldon: This is an interesting topic. How many sexual encounters have you had?
Amy: Does volunteering for a scientific experiment in which orgasm was achieved by electronically stimulating the pleasure centers of the brain count?
Sheldon: I should think so.

Penny: Hey, you guys ready to order?
Sheldon: Since we come in every Tuesday night at 6:00 and order the same exact thing, and it's now��[checks his watch] 6:08, I believe your question not only answers itself, but also stands alongside such other nonsensical queries as "Who Let the Dogs Out?" and, uh��"How are they hanging?"
Penny: [writing] Okay, so the usual with extra spit on Sheldon's hamburger.

Penny: OK, well, what do you communicate about?
Sheldon: Well, my work in Physics, her work in Neurobiology and, most recently, the possibility of our having a child together.
Penny: [spits out her beverage and is offered a napkin by Howard's robot] Thank you.
Leonard: Wait a minute, a child? You never see this girl, you just email and text and twitter, now you're considering having a baby.
Sheldon: Amy pointed out that between the two of us our genetic material has the potential of producing the first, in a line of intellectually, superior, benign overlords, to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow.
Howard: I'm guessing that future historians will condemn us for not taking this opportunity to kill Sheldon.

Penny: Well, I would ask you guys if you want dessert, but I know Sheldon doesn't eat dessert on Tuesdays, and even if Raj wanted something, he couldn't tell me. Howard won't order anything, but he will come up with some sort of skeevy comment involving the words "pie" or "cheesecake", and Leonard is lactose intolerant, so he can't eat anything here without his intestines blowing up like a balloon animal.
Leonard: Hang on a second. I could have the fruit platter.
Penny: You want the fruit platter?
Leonard: Does it have melon on it?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: No, I can't eat melon.

Penny: You wanna talk about crazy mothers, Leonard's mom wouldn't give him any sort of approval growing up.
Priya: Oh the poor thing.
Penny: It makes him desperate to please women. That's where the foreplay goes on and on.
Priya: It does, doesn't it.
Penny: It's like he's trying to win a prize. Oh, word of advice, do not doze off, you'll never hear the end of it.
(They walk past the bio-hazard room not noticing Sheldon is being restrained by doctors for being exposed to the illness in the room)

Priya: Leonard, wake up.
Leonard: Huh? Huh, jus', sorry.
Priya: What for?
Leonard: I don't know. When I'm in bed with a girl, that's just my go-to response.

Raj: Here's what I wonder about zombies. [The others groan] What happens if they can't get any human flesh to eat? They can't starve to death, they're already dead.
Howard: [To Leonard] You take this one. I spent an hour last night on do how vampires shave when they can't see themselves in the mirror.
Sheldon: Well-groomed vampires meet in pairs and shave each other: Case Closed!
Raj: Yeah, OK, so zombies?
Leonard: I guess it depends on the zombies, Raj, are we talking slow zombies, fast zombies? Like in 28 Days if those zombies didn't eat, they starved.
Howard: You're thinking of 28 Days Later. 28 Days is when Sandra Bullock goes to rehab and puts the audience into an undead state.

Sheldon: I must say, Amy, pretending to have intercourse with you has given me a great deal of satisfaction.
Amy: Slow down, Sheldon. I'm not quite there yet.

Sheldon: [after Amy proposed for Sheldon to meet her mother] What am I supposed to do?
Leonard: Well, have you considered telling her how you feel?
Sheldon: Leonard, I'm a physicist, not a hippie.
Leonard: All right, well, let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?
Sheldon: Screwed! [he realizes what he said]
Leonard: There you go.

Sheldon: [frustrated in trying to figure out Howard's magic trick] This deck is rigged in some fashion.
Howard: Fine. Get another deck and I'll do the trick with that [one].
Sheldon: So you're saying this is a regulation deck?
Howard: [shouting] I'm saying, believe in magic, you Muggle!