Lister: If the future is all worked out, horoscopes all that stuff . . . It means we're not responsible for any thing we do. It means we're just actors sayings lines in a script written by somebody else. I don't want to believe that. I want to believe I'm in charge of me own life. Me own destiny.

Lister: No the moose aren't in the cars, antlers out the sun roof! They're in the roads, mooseing about, crossing roads, causing accidents! Cat: You mean they're not looking left and right? Lister: Exactly. Cat: Not using the pedestrian crossings? Lister: Exactly! Cat: Not paying attention as to whether it's a little green man or a little red man? Of course they're not, they're mooses!! Jeez... Swedes: they expect too much!

Lister [about their two-year prison sentence]: It's only two years; what, with good behaviour, it'll probably only be eighteen months. Remember when you were first born, then you were eighteen months? The time just flashed past!
Rimmer: It flashed past because you had two breasts big as your head at your beck and call day and night! Give me that now and I wouldn't be whinging.

Lister: 'Mr Arnold' isn't his name. His name's Rimmer, or 'smeghead', or 'dinosaur-breath', or 'molecule-mind', or on rare occasions when you wanna be really mega-polite to him, and we're talking mega polite here, on those exceptional circumstances you can call him 'arsehole.'

Lister: [examining markings on the space pod] Hold on... Give me an R... Give me an E... Give me a D.... Give me a Red Dwarf...Garbage Pod! Holly, did Rimmer ever work in waste disposal?
Holly: No, Dave.
Lister: It's one of our old Red Dwarf garbage pods with the writing burnt off in places. Why didn't you tell him, Hol?
Holly: Well, it's a laugh, innit?

Lister: [on not everything being right in the backwards universe] What about St. Francis of Assisi? In this universe, he's the petty-minded little sadist who goes around maiming small animals! Or Santa Claus? What a bastard!
Rimmer: Eh?
Lister: He's the big fat git who sneaks down chimneys and steals all the kids' favourite toys!
[the hidden message in the club owner's rant]

Lister: [revelling in having the room to himself] Ecstasy! We're talking mega ecstasy bliss! I can hum as loud as I like, as long as I like! I'm a free man... And you see those socks? See 'em? They're going right where they belong, all over the floor where any self-respecting bachelor would keep 'em! I'm gonna have the bottom bunk, the big bunk! I'm gonna leave the top off the shampoo. I'm gonna squeeze the toothpaste right from the middle! In fact I'm gonna do all the things that drove him bonkers! I'm gonna crack me knuckles, I'm gonna grind me teeth, I'm gonna live for a change! Hee-hee! (sniffs)....Aw, smeggin' hell... (puts socks back in their basket)
Series II

Lister: [singing] To Ganymede and Titan, yes sir, I've been around...
Rimmer: Lister?
Lister: Hmm?
Rimmer: Have you ever been hit on the head with a welding mallet? No? Well, shut up, then.

Lister: Are you my faithful man servant or what?
Kryten: I'm ashamed to be with you sir. I haven't been this embarrassed since I was loosening my adjustment screws, and my entire groinal box dropped into Mr Rimmer's soup.

Lister: But does it change anything?
Kochanski: Listen, having only one arm will make no difference to any woman that cares about you.
Lister: What about sex?
Kochanski: Not here, it's too sandy.
Series VIII

Lister: Cat.
Cat: Mm?
Lister: Did you ever see the Flintstones?
Cat: Of course.
Lister: Do you think Wilma's sexy?
Cat: Wilma Flintstone?
Lister: Maybe we've been alone in deep space for too long but every time I see that show, her body drives me crazy. Is it just me?
Cat: I think in all probability, Wilma Flintstone is the most desirable woman who ever lived.
Lister: That's good, I thought I was goin' strange.
Cat: She's incredible!
Lister: What do you think of Betty?
Cat: Betty Rubble? Well, I would go with Betty...but I'd be thinkin' of Wilma.
Lister: This is stupid. Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone?
Cat: You're right. We're nuts. This is an insane conversation.
Lister: She'll never leave Fred and we know it.

Lister: Computer Senility. It's such a weird condition.
Kryten: I know. I had a mechanoid friend once who suffered from the same affliction. His name was Gilbert, but he preferred it if people called him "Rameses Niblick the Third, Kerplunk Kerplunk, Whoops, Where's My Thribble?". A sad case.
Rimmer: Well, if you ask me the eskimos had the right idea. They kmew how to handle the elderly and the permanently baffled: middle of the night, they'd take the out into the blizzard, remove their pyjamas, and just leave them to it.
Kryten: That's how eskimos cared for their old people
Rimmer: Absolutely. That's why there's no eskimo word for 'Eastbourne'.

Lister: Hang on, hang on. Are you saying you never became an officer because you shared your quarters with someone who hummed?
Rimmer: Obviously not just that, Lister. Everything! Everything you ever did was designed to hold me back and annoy me.
Lister: Like what?
Rimmer: Like using my mother's photograph as an ashtray.
Lister: I didn't know! I thought it was a souvenir from Titan Zoo.

Lister: Hey guys, look at me body.
Cat: Now there is an invitation that will NOT cause a stampede.

Lister: Hol: need some advice, mate. We've been cornered by a T-Rex that was formerly a sparrow, and the only thing that can turn it back into Woody Woodpecker is in its stomach. What's your take on the situation?
Holly: What do you want -- the long or the short version?
Lister: Oh. Long.
Holly: You're finished.
Cat: What's the short version?
Holly: Bye.