Red Dwarf quotes
198 total quotesKryten: I ask the court one key question: would the Space Corps have allowed this man [points at Rimmer] ever to be in a position where he might endanger the ship? A man so petty and small-minded he would while away his evenings sewing name labels on to his ship-issue condoms? A man of such awesome stupidity --
Rimmer: Objection!
Justice: Objection overruled.
Kryten: A man of such awesome stupidity, he even objects to his own defense counsel. What an overzealous trumped up little squirt!
Rimmer: Objection!
Justice: Objection overruled.
Kryten: A man of such awesome stupidity, he even objects to his own defense counsel. What an overzealous trumped up little squirt!
Kryten: I take it we're speaking with the Epideme virus?
Epideme: Give that man an eyebrow! Hey, I'm feeling generous -- give him two!
Epideme: Give that man an eyebrow! Hey, I'm feeling generous -- give him two!
Kryten: I've been a complete and total polaroid-head.
Lister: Yeah, you've had your head right up your recharge socket.
Lister: Yeah, you've had your head right up your recharge socket.
Kryten: Is it me or is that cockroach shuffling too loudly?
Rimmer: Kryten, it's called a hangover, don't panic...
Lister: We're on a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space. Can someone please tell me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?!
Cat: Hey, it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone! It's the policewoman's helmet and the suspenders I don't understand!
Rimmer: Kryten, it's called a hangover, don't panic...
Lister: We're on a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space. Can someone please tell me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?!
Cat: Hey, it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone! It's the policewoman's helmet and the suspenders I don't understand!
Kryten: It's alright sir, he's buffing he's programed not to harm humans.
Rimmer: Ah, 'scuse me. Alright miladdo the party's over. I had about as much of this as I'm goona take. It's no good standing there with your chest and silly oiled nipples; doesn't impress me one bit. Now I don't know were you came from, and frankly I don't much care, but if you don't skidaddle pronto, you're going to see a side of me you won't much like.
Lister: Whats he gonna do, drop his trousers?
Rimmer: Ah, 'scuse me. Alright miladdo the party's over. I had about as much of this as I'm goona take. It's no good standing there with your chest and silly oiled nipples; doesn't impress me one bit. Now I don't know were you came from, and frankly I don't much care, but if you don't skidaddle pronto, you're going to see a side of me you won't much like.
Lister: Whats he gonna do, drop his trousers?
Kryten: Question which occurs: if this ocean is supposed to be teeming with new lifeforms, where are they all?
Lister: What are you implying?
Kryten: No implication intended, sir.
Lister: Yes, there is. You're saying there's some huge damn fish out there, aren't yer? Some kinda gigantic weird pre-historic leviathan who's porked his way through this entire ocean.
Kryten: That's one option.
Lister: Any alternatives?
Kryten: None that occur.
Lister: What are you implying?
Kryten: No implication intended, sir.
Lister: Yes, there is. You're saying there's some huge damn fish out there, aren't yer? Some kinda gigantic weird pre-historic leviathan who's porked his way through this entire ocean.
Kryten: That's one option.
Lister: Any alternatives?
Kryten: None that occur.
Kryten: Sir, you're awake!
Cat: Buddy you look great! (Puts out hand to shake Lister's before realising he put his right hand out)
Cat: Buddy you look great! (Puts out hand to shake Lister's before realising he put his right hand out)
Kryten: These are our higher selves. They are who we could have become if all the negative aspects of our characters were removed.
Rimmer: You mean hippies.
Kryten: With respect sir, you think Jesus was a hippie.
Rimmer: Well, he was. He had long hair and he didn't have a job. What more do you want?
Rimmer: You mean hippies.
Kryten: With respect sir, you think Jesus was a hippie.
Rimmer: Well, he was. He had long hair and he didn't have a job. What more do you want?
Kryten: They've taken Mr. Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr. Rimmer!
Cat: Quick -- let's get out of here before they bring him back!
Cat: Quick -- let's get out of here before they bring him back!
Kryten: This is Mr. Noel Coward, sir.
Noel Coward: Delighted to meet you, dear boy.
Rimmer: Shut up!
Noel Coward: Delighted to meet you, dear boy.
Rimmer: Shut up!
Kryten: Who allowed this man, this pathetic man, this man who could not outwit a used teabag, to be in a position where he might endanger the entire crew? Who? Only a yogurt!
Kryten: With respect, sir, they're not androids, they're simulants.
Cat: What's the difference?
Kryten: Well, the basic difference is that an android would never rip off a human's head and spit down his neck.
Cat: What's the difference?
Kryten: Well, the basic difference is that an android would never rip off a human's head and spit down his neck.
Kryten: You are the most obnoxious, trumped-up, farty little smeghead it has ever been my misfortune to encounter!
Lister: Have you figured a way to get us out of here, Hol?
Holly: I have actually, Dave. I've devoted all my run-time to looking for a loop-hole in the prison regs. I think I've come up with something that means you can serve your entire two-year sentence in just fourteen weeks.
Lister: Ah, Brilliant! What have I got to do?
Holly: Become a dog.
Holly: I have actually, Dave. I've devoted all my run-time to looking for a loop-hole in the prison regs. I think I've come up with something that means you can serve your entire two-year sentence in just fourteen weeks.
Lister: Ah, Brilliant! What have I got to do?
Holly: Become a dog.