Lister: I mean, what kind of holy writ is this, Rimmer? 'It is a sin to be cool.'
Rimmer: LOOK, I'M SICK TO DEATH ABOUT HEARING ABOUT THESE STUPID CATS! MY CONCERNS ARE SLIGHTLY MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT KIND OF CARDBOARD HAT I'M WEARING! I'M TRYING TO DECIPHER THIS! THIS IS SCIENCE, LADDIE! You can smirk, Lister, but I believe the Quagaars!
Lister: 'Quagars?'
Rimmer: Quagaars, it's a name I made up! Double-A, actually! I believe the Quagaars'll have the technology to give me a new body!
Lister: Never mind this tot, where's the Cat?
Rimmer: Tot?
Lister: Tot.
Rimmer: Tot?!
Lister: Tot!
Rimmer: TOT?!
Lister: TOT!
Rimmer: TOT?! TOT?! WE'LL SEE HOW TOTTY THIS IS, LADDIE, THE QUARANTINE PERIOD'S NEARLY UP! ....BASTARD!

Lister: I was trying to get a sick note, but the doc thought I was faking and didn't accept it was possible to get athlete's hand.

Lister: I'll tell you one thing. I've been to a parallel universe, I've seen time running backwards, I've played pool with planets and I've given birth to twins, but I never thought in my entire life I'd taste an edible Pot Noodle.

Lister: I'm gonna rip out its windpipe and beat it to death with the tonsil end! I'm gonna stick my fist so far down its gob I'll be able to pull the label off its underpants!

Lister: Kryten! Are you okay, man?
Kryten: I have a medium-sized fire axe buried in my spinal column. That sort of thing can really put a crimp on your day.

Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf. We have in our midst a complete smeg pot. Brains in the anal region. Chin absent, presumed missing. Genitalia small and inoffensive. Of no value or interest.

Lister: Of course, lager! The only thing that can kill a vindaloo!

Lister: Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings when they are properly cooked to perfection, proper dumplings should not bounce!
Rimmer: True, but after the way I thought they were going to turn out they were quite (does a little kiss) superb! (French accent)
Lister: So how's the Cat?
Rimmer: Oh, he's just sleeping off the stomach pump...He'll be alright, the lamb was a bit of a flop though.
Lister: The Lamb!? Everyone thought the lamb was the cheese! And that Lemon Meringue Pie, man, what was in that?
Rimmer: I thought you liked that! You bought some back.
Lister: Yeah....I wanted to try some out on my Athlete's Foot!

Lister: There must be some way of findin' out. [if the pod contains Barbara Bellini or a rogue simulant]
Holly: There is. (pause) All you've gotta do is hang around here for 24 hours. Then, if you find your limbs scattered across deep space and your neck full of saliva, you can take it as read it probably wasn't Babs.

Lister: There's got to be a way out. There hasn't been a prison built that could hold Derek Custer. Why don't we scrape away this mortar here, slide one of these bricks out, then using a rope weaved from strands of this hessian, rig up a kind of a pulley system so that when a guard comes in, using it as a trip wire, gets laid out, and we put Rimmer in the guard's uniform, he leads us out, we steal some swords, and fight our way back to the 'bug?
Kryten: Or we could use the teleporter.
Lister: Or in a pinch, we could use the teleporter.

Lister: To pee or not to pee, that is the question.

Lister: We're a real Mickey Mouse operation, aren't we?
Cat: Mickey Mouse? We ain't even Betty Boop!

Lister: Well, I say let's get out there and twat it!

Lister: What time is it?
Rimmer: [blearily crawls over to the clock on the bedside table] ....Saturday.
Lister: That the best you can do?
Rimmer: There are some numbers beside it, but they could be anything.

Lister: Whoa, whoa, whoa! They're bringing someone out! They're tying him to the stake.... It's Winnie the Pooh!
Cat: What?
Lister: Winnie the Pooh, I'm being serious! He's refusing the blindfold.... They're lining up in front of him....
[gunshots]
Lister: ....That's something no man should ever have to see...