Red Dwarf quotes

198 total quotes


Lister: Why do women always leave me? Why do they dump me for men who wear turtle neck sweaters and smoke a pipe? I mean natural yoghurt eaters. "Reliable", "sensible", "dependable", and lots of others words that end in "-ible". They're obsessed with house prices and spends half his life at antique fairs looking for bargains and drinking wine. It's never beer is it, it's always wine. 'What do you want on your cornflakes darling', 'oh I'll 'ave some wine please'.

Lister: Yo, I didn't know you had any medals. What are they for?
Rimmer: Three years long service. Six years long service. Nine years long service... Twelve years long service.

Lister: You absorb knowledge from every person you kill?
Epideme: So you can appreciate killing you ain't exactly a career highlight. No offence, but when you're a virus, there ain't much call for knowing how to open a lager bottle with your anus.
Lister wakes up afer the crew cut off his arm to discover that is right arm has been cut off

Lister: You were supposed to be manning the sonar, Rimmer! You could have gotten us all killed!
Rimmer: Is this about you again? It is, isn't it? Can't you see right now I need some me time? My heart is still hammering. I don't know how I got through that.
Lister: You wasn't even there!
Rimmer: I was nearly there. That's close enough for me.

Polymorph (as Rimmer's Mum): The things this boy can do with alphabetti spaghetti....
Holly: Cool it, Arn...
Rimmer: ALPHABETTI SPAGHETTI?!

Rimmer: Are you saying I am a resentful person? I really resent that!

Rimmer: Kryten, you have a real gift. You make things that are really, really complicated sound really, really complicated.

Rimmer: The Canaries! You know what they say it's supposed to stand for? Convict Army, Nearly All Retarded Inbred Evil Sheepshaggers! They haven't got an X chromasone to share between them!
Lister: Smeg. It gets worse as well.
Rimmer: (Laughing) Worse! Go on!
Lister: I've signed you up too.

Rimmer, He's out to lunch, breakfast, dinner, tea, supper, the lot. He's not in for a single meal, if you ask me.

Rimmer: (Credits roll but then it stops) It's a garbage pod. (Credits roll again but stops again) IT'S A SMEGGING GARBAGE POD!!!

Rimmer: Twelve?! (pause) You can't have been a full member of the golf club, then.
Lister: Of course I wasn't! It was just a place to go!
Rimmer: You did it (i.e. have sex) on a golf course and you weren't a member?
Lister: It wasn't in the middle of the Ryder Cup or anythin'!

Rimmer: [discussing his last exam] Lister, last time I only failed by the narrowest of narrow margins.
Lister: You what? You walked in there, wrote "I AM A FISH" four hundred times, did a funny little dance and fainted!
Rimmer: That's a total lie.
Lister: No, it's not. Peterson told me.
Rimmer: "No, it's not. Peterson told me." Lister, if you must know, I submitted a discourse on porous circuitry that was too... radical, too unconventional, too mould-breaking for the examiners to accept.
Lister: Yeah. You said you were a fish!

Rimmer: [in a scathing tone] I recognize you two. Weren't you two the double action centrefold in July's edition of "Big Boys in Boots"?

Rimmer: [in response to a woman speaking to him backwards] Flob-a-dob blib blob bleeb!

Rimmer: [jogging] Morning, Lister! How's life in hippie heaven, you pregnant baboon-bellied space beatnik? What's the plan for the day, then? Slobbing in the morning, followed by slobbing in the afternoon, then a bit of a snooze before the main evening's slob? God, you're a disgrace to the species. [jogs away]
[Lister]: Good morning, Rimmer.