Shawn: What's your point, man?
Gus: My point is you're going to be eighty years old and still shamelessly hitting on waitresses. Is that what you want?
Shawn: Is that a trick question?

Shawn: You cannot sit here alone in the dark in a parked car. You'll get picked up for mopery.
Gus: Mopery?
Shawn: With intent to creep. Trust me, it'll kick a big hole in your future.

Shawn: You know I'm not really a regular person, right Phil?
Phil: What does that mean?
Shawn: 'Cause I tried once and failed. I'm just too unique and interesting. The French call it "du fromage," which, roughly translated, means "of cheese."

Shawn: You two are officially my least favorite tag team of all time!
Clive: Really? With Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff on the table?
Shawn: Wow! You just made that reference!

Shawn: You wanna be hawk-eye or crow's nest?

Vick: Let me be frank.
Shawn: As long as I can be Dean and Gus can be Sammy.
Gus: Why do I always have to be Sammy?
Shawn: Fine, he's Sammy. That makes you Joey Bishop. Is that what you really want? You want to be Joey Bishop?
Juliet: SHAWN!
Shawn: Jules, how often does someone set you up with "Let me be Frank"?
Juliet: Shawn, don't forget that you are in a lot of trouble here and I am probably the only person in this room who cares to see you get out of it. Now it's 2:30 in the morning; we've been here for hours. Enough with the jokes; stop delaying and tell us what we want to hear!
Shawn: [turns to Gus stunned] Oh my God, that was so hot.

Vick: Now, Mr. Spencer.
Henry/Shawn: [together] Yes?
Vick: Oh, I meant the older... Sorry, not old... less...
Shawn: Handsome? Less hair? Less friends on Facebook?
Henry: Less nose...

Vick: Who gave you access to the file room?
Shawn: Irrelevant! And, immaterial.
Lassiter: Chief, you're not going to let him do that thing where he only uses courtroom jargon, are you?
Vick: Mr. Spencer...
Shawn: He's making a mockery of these proceedings! All I'm saying is that she's making a very compelling argument.
Morgan Conrad: You're an idiot.
Shawn: That's less compelling. Move to strike.
Morgan Conrad: Please remove him.
Lassiter: Gladly.
Shawn: Sidebar, Ms. Conrad.

Young Shawn: Hey, Dad. We're prospecting for oil. How was your day?

[1995: At the Santa Barbara Police Station, Henry is seen forcefully escorting Shawn inside. Shawn is handcuffed.]
Shawn: I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask for that "World's Greatest Dad" mug back.

[Carlton is talking to a woman in his car during a stakeout]
Juliet: What are you doing?
Lassiter: Oh, I'm just talking to your friend Blair here. She...she's great. We have so much in common.
Juliet: She's not my friend.
Lassiter: What do you mean? You didn't send her down here to meet me?
Juliet: No. I don't invite friends to dangerous stakeouts. But I know her. She's a professional.
Lassiter: [to Blair] Please tell me you're a hit-man.

[Henry wraps a tie around Shawn's eyes]
Young Shawn: Did you get me a pinata?
Henry: Nope.
Young Shawn: Pepsi challenge?
Henry: Nope.
Young Shawn: Am I being executed?

[in the interrogation room]
Henry: We didn't do anything wrong; we didn't break any laws. Oh no! Oh no! What- What did you do Shawn?
Shawn: Nothing. It's just that laws keep changing. It's getting very challenging to keep up with them all. For example, did you know that it is now illegal to give a possum a perm?

[In the interrogation room]
Shawn: Don't I get a phone call or something?
Lassiter: No.
Shawn: Fine. How about a text message? I'll be quick, I just need to respond "OMG LOL." Here's a question: how do you make a face that's winking with the tongue coming out one side?

[Shawn and Gus find a wrapped up body that turns out to be Westwood]
Shawn: Oh thank God!
Gus: Thank God? It's a dead person!
Shawn: Yeah, but it's not Juliet.
Gus: It's still a human being, Shawn; it's Westwood. What's the matter with you?
Shawn: You're saying you'd rather it be someone we knew and care about? Fine, next time I see Jules I'll just tell her you wish she was dead.