Dave: Joe, why is that kid duct-taped to your back?
Joe: Because I needed both hands free to demonstrate the many other uses of duct tape!

Dave: Maybe you should lay off those sandwiches.
Bill: No, that's just it. I finished the last one at 12:41 last night. Ever since, things have been happening to my body.
Dave: Would it be impolite at this point in the conversation to just run away from you?
Bill: I think my system got used to its hourly fix of artificial preservatives. My body has started to age incredibly rapidly.
Dave: No it hasn't.
Bill: Yes it has. We're running out of time, look! Help me, I'm begging you!
Dave: You actually dyed you hair grey to convince me to bring back the sandwich machine?
Bill: Yes, I did! Now do you understand how important this is to me?
Dave: Only if you dyed all your hair grey to match.
Bill: I did!

Dave: Well, you've got me, alright? Yes, yes, I'm Canadian. And I'm actually 46 years old, I'm secretly married and have two children living in New Jersey and at night I patrol the streets of Gotham City in my customized Davemobile.

Dave: Yes, I am Canadian.

Dave: Bill, these people are insane.
Bill: Oh, really? Then why did they elect me Prime Minister of Ward 15 this morning?

Dave: Can't you ever just be sincere and normal?
Bill: In real life? No.
Dave: What do you mean, in real life?
Bill: On the radio I open up completely, really bare my soul.
Dave: You do news, traffic, and weather.
Bill: But I mean it.

Dave: Joe, why don't you just call in a specialist?
Joe: I am a specialist.
Dave: At what?
Joe: At everything.

Jimmy: And free advertising, well that's something you just can't buy.

Joe: Dave, did you ever stop to consider that it might be one of the 15 or 20 other guys who work in this station?
Bill: Joe's right. How come every time there's a problem you assume that it's one of us. What about them? What if it was... that guy who's name I don't know? Or that guy who sits by him? Or the girl-
Dave: Because somebody gave those people the impression they're not allowed in the break room.
Bill: Well Dave, I consider that room a private sanctuary where I can escape from all those horrid little people whose names I don't know.

Joe: Look, man, I don't care what you say about me, but making fun of alien technology is just stupid.

Joe: No matter how far technology advances it's still just a bunch of wires connected to other wires.
Beth: So what's wrong with it?
Joe: I can't seem to find any wires.

Joe: There is a very specific way you deal with a woman like that. You get down on your hands and knees and beg her to have sex with you.

Lisa: The problem is you look better in my dress than I do.
Dave: What?
Lisa: You do. I've never been able to wear that dress because I just couldn't pull it off and now you just look like a million bucks.
Dave: No. I look like a man in a dress, which is worth at most $150 on Ninth Avenue.

Lisa: You're Canadian?
Mr. James: I am?
Lisa: Not you, sir. Him.
Mr. James: Oh no. Dave? He's from the Midwest, the heart of America where the real Americans live. You're as American as apple pie, aren't you, Dave?
Dave: Yeah.
Lisa: Then what is this all about?
Dave: What's what all ab- uh... What's what?
Lisa: You're afraid to say it, aren't you.
Dave: No.
Lisa: Yes, you are.
Dave: No.
Lisa: Yes, you are. If you have nothing to hide, say "about".
Dave: No.
Lisa: Say it.
Dave: No.
Lisa: Say "out".
Dave: No.
Lisa: House. Couch.
Dave: Your honor, I plead the fifth.
Lisa: I don't know if you have that right.
Dave: I do too, eh.
Mr. James: Oh my God.

Matthew: I took third place in the costume contest last year.
Dave: Really? What was your costume?
Matthew: Motorcycle enthusiast.
Joe: Gay biker.