Matthew: Oh, Dave, oh my, you would have loved it... a week in a foreign place, strange people, strange customs.
Dave: I know exactly what you mean, I've been to Canada.
Matthew: Trust me, Japan is even more exotic.
Dave: Clearly you've never been to Winnipeg.

Mr. James: Bill seems happy with 'adequate.'
Catherine: Bill thinks having a bird crap on him is a compliment from the gods!

Mr. James: I am a cipher, a cipher wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce.

Mr. James: I'm sorry Dave, but a budget is a budget is a budget, to paraphrase...
Dave: Gertrude Stein
Mr. James: What?
Dave: Yeah, "A rose is a rose is a rose"
Mr. James: That's really pretty Dave but can we get back to the budget!

Mr. James: If I increased the budget every time morale was low, the guys in my asbestos factory would be driving around solid gold Cadillacs by now.

Mr. James: You are totally under siege out there! It's just like that movie. What's its name?
Dave: "Under Siege"?
Mr. James: No.
Dave: "Under Siege 2"?
Mr. James: No.
Dave: "Under Siege 3"?
Mr. James: That's the one.
Lisa: I don't think they made an "Under Siege 3".
Mr. James: Hey, I can dream, can't I?

[Lisa is planning to expose Mr. James]
Dave: All right, well, let's not go overboard. Let's try to remember that, at heart, Mr. James is a decent person.
Lisa: Yes, they're all decent persons, Dave, but once a man throws his hat into the ring, it is my duty as a journalist to make him my bitch.

[Reading cards from the complaint box]
Dave: "You suck." "You suck." "Howard Stern rules." "If you can read this you are a dork." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a girl." "We need more complaint cards." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a guy."
Joe: Hey.
Dave: [pulling out a fortune cookie slip] "You will go on a journey, happy long time." "Matthew is a moron." "No I'm not." "Yes you are." "No I'm not infinity." "Yes you are infinity plus one." And this one, "I have doobie in my funk," which I assume is some sort of reference to the Parliament Funkadelic song, "Chocolate City." Uh, "You got peanut butter in my chocolate. You got chocolate in my peanut butter. Together they taste like crap." "Matthew has been staring at me all day... and I love it." I don't think I get this one, it says, "I try to be good hard-worker-man, but refrigemater so messy, so so messy."
Lisa: I think that one's probably from Milos, the janitor.
Dave: Oh. Refrigem... oh, then that one's legitimate.
[continues reading the complaint cards]
Dave: Uh, "Who's the black private dick who's the sex machine with all the chicks."
Bill, Beth, Lisa, Matthew, Joe: SHAFT.
Bill: I thought we'd all enjoy that.
Dave: [reading one last card] And, "Help, I'm being held prisoner in a complaint box," which is actually kinda funny.