Andrew: [in a high-pitched voice] Hey, everybody! It's me...Matthew!
Joe: Dude, you're not Matthew.
Andrew: Okay, obviously.

Beth: Fire him as soon as he walks out that door.
Dave: Excuse me?
Beth: Fire him right here, right now, in front of everyone. Trust me, it will help you down the line. You're not exactly establishing yourself as an authority figure with the staff.
Bill: She's right, you know.
Beth: It's like, you know how they say when it's your first day in prison, you should act crazy and beat someone with a chair so nobody will mess with you?
Dave: I've never actually heard that before, Beth.

Beth: You know, I do not blame you. If my boyfriend acted like that, I would go absolutely bitchcakes.
Lisa: Bitchcakes?
Beth: I just made that up. You think it's gonna catch on?

Beth: But, Mr. James, what if you're fatally injured, or even killed?
Mr. James: Well, then let them say this about me, "He died with his balloon on."

Beth: Doesn't he wonder how the candy got there?
Mr. James: Nah, I think in Matthew's world candy elves are a common occurrence.

Beth: My mother always told me I had a beautiful singing voice.
Bill: Well, my mother made me wear a dress 'til I was nine. They make mistakes!

Beth: Okay, now I assume you're giving Lisa the Big Bonus, right? I mean, in addition to the one you give her on a semi-nightly basis?
Dave: No, no I am not. I mean, just because Lisa and I are dating, that doesn't mean I'm going to give her the Big Bonus.
Beth: Oooh. You do know that Lisa is absolutely certain she's getting the big bonus, don't you, Dave?
Dave: Oh?
Beth: Yeah.
Dave: Oh... Okay, Beth, would you get Lisa for me?
Beth: [yelling] Lisa, Dave wants you! [to Dave] You're not going to give her The Shaft, are you, Dave? I mean, in addition to the one you give her on a semi-nightly basis?
Dave: Good God, Beth. Were you raised by truckers?

Beth: That must be so demeaning, just getting coffee for people all day... Wait a minute...

Beth: Theo makes me think he's doing one thing but he's really doing something else. He's just like every other guy I've dated except he uses props.

Bill: Another time I was cut from the high school football team. And my mother said, "Central's lost a fullback, but the McNeals have gained a daughter".

Bill: Dave, don't worry about it. You know what they say: "Mighty oaks from little acorns grow."
Dave: ...Thanks, Bill. Do you get all your lines from fortune cookies?
[A short while later]
Bill: Envy not that which not need be possessed.
Dave: Thanks, Bill.
Bill: Good fortune happy lucky big time for you and family. That one doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's always stuck with me.

Bill: Do you have a special lady in your life?
Dave: No.
Bill: I'm sorry, that was presumptuous of me. Do you have a special person in your life?

Bill: I have a problem, can we talk in your office?
Dave: Sure.
Bill: Thanks, and for Pete's sake, take that off, it makes you look like a 12 year old...[takes hat off] Oh, I'm sorry, I thought it was the hat.

Bill: They're an acquired taste. Like a good wine or cheese, a sandwich needs to be properly aged. In the olden days, a country squire would age his pheasants for weeks before they were deemed fit for consumption.
Lisa: In the olden days, people used to die of ptomaine poisoning and blamed it on ghosts.
Bill: All this talk about aged lunch meat and ghosts has made me peckish. I'll be at the sandwich machine if I'm needed.

Bill: What's interesting about radio?
Dave: Well I think it's a fascinating medium.
Bill: You're from Wisconsin. Artificial light is fascinating to you!