Andrew: [in a high-pitched voice] Hey, everybody! It's me...Matthew!
Joe: Dude, you're not Matthew.
Andrew: Okay, obviously.

Beth: Doesn't he wonder how the candy got there?
Mr. James: Nah, I think in Matthew's world candy elves are a common occurrence.

Beth: That must be so demeaning, just getting coffee for people all day... Wait a minute...

Bill: Another time I was cut from the high school football team. And my mother said, "Central's lost a fullback, but the McNeals have gained a daughter".

Bill: They're an acquired taste. Like a good wine or cheese, a sandwich needs to be properly aged. In the olden days, a country squire would age his pheasants for weeks before they were deemed fit for consumption.
Lisa: In the olden days, people used to die of ptomaine poisoning and blamed it on ghosts.
Bill: All this talk about aged lunch meat and ghosts has made me peckish. I'll be at the sandwich machine if I'm needed.

Bill: I'll tell you what I'm high on...freedom!
Catherine: Bill, you're locked up in a mental institution.
Bill: And I've never felt freer.

Bill: It's not garbage. It's rap music. And I love it. The pulsating rhythms, raw bass line. This stuff speaks to me in places I didn't even know I had ears.

Bill: Mr. Caan!
James Caan: My father's Mr. Caan. Call me Jimmy.
Bill: Likewise.
James Caan: I'm sorry. I thought your name was Bill.
Bill: It is. Easy mistake to make.

Bill: You wouldn't know tough love if it stripped you to your jockeys and made you stand all night in the rain.

Brent: I like to try to categorize people by the animal they could be if they tried a little harder.

Catherine: (reading the news) Tragedy struck today in Sector 9 as rebel terrorists blew up the Death Star killing thousands. The Rebel Alliance, a fringe group of Anti-Empire fanatics, has claimed responsibility for the terrorist act. Fortunately Lord Vader escaped without harm. Our hearts go out to the families of the victims.

Dave: [to Mr. James] Normally at a time like this I'd ask you for advice, and you'd say something that would make no sense at all, but somehow it would all fit together. Like, I would tell you, "Sir, I have a problem," and you'd say, "Well, what is it?" and I'd say, "Well, sir, Lisa wants to have a baby, but she doesn't want to get married," and you'd say "Dave, why milk the cow when you have a fridge full of steaks?" And I'd say, "Sir, that makes no sense," and you'd say, "Well, it sure made sense when that guy Chuck Connors said it in that movie Chinatown," and I'd say, "Sir, Chuck Connors wasn't in Chinatown," and you'd say, "Dave, if I wanted to have this conversation I'd have hired that guy Siskel Ebert to do your job," and I'd say, "Sir, Siskel and Ebert are two people," and you'd say, "Dave, just because the man is fat is no reason to make fun of him."

Dave: According to these numbers, when Bill's show comes on people turn off their car radios, pull over to the side of the road, abandon their vehicles and walk home rather than risk hearing another second.

Dave: Bill, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade?"
Bill: Dave, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then toss it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you asked for in the first place?"

Dave: Have you ever heard the expression that you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar?
Bill: Have you ever heard the expression, "Only a hillbilly sits around figuring out the best way to catch flies?"