Matthew: Dave, when am I getting my job back? 'Cuz, I am going stir crazy.
Dave: You have to have patience, Matthew. I'm doing everything I can.
Matthew: Well, I'm doing my part.
Dave: I know. Unfortunately, that is precisely why you were fired in the first place.

Mr. James: Bill seems happy with 'adequate.'
Catherine: Bill thinks having a bird crap on him is a compliment from the gods!

Mr. James: Boy, I love a good party. You love a good party, Joe?
Joe: That's why I went to college, sir. That's also why I didn't graduate.
Mr. James: Yeah, me neither. So what? Didn't stop me from building a million-dollar empire. Didn't stop you from becoming a... what do you do again?
Joe: I'm an electrician.
Mr. James: Well, things were different in my day.

Mr. James: Dave, you're the boss. You're supposed to be thick-skinned.
Dave: I'm plenty thick-skinned.
Mr. James: Oh yeah, I've seen thicker skin on a bowl of pudding. Here, check this out...
[Mr. James puts his hand above a lit candle.]
Dave: Sir, you really don't have to do that to impress me.
Mr. James: You wanna know the secret?
Dave: Wild guess... thick skin?
Mr. James: Well, metaphysically, yes. Technically speaking, you do it 15, 16 times it kills all the nerve endings in your hand.

Mr. James: Hey Dave.
Dave: Hey Mr. James.
Mr. James: Something troubling you?
Dave: Yeah.
Mr. James: Work related?
Dave: No.
Mr. James: Girl?
Dave: Yeah.
Mr. James: Lisa?
Dave: Between you and me?
Mr. James: Yes.
Dave: Yes.
Mr. James: Problem?
Dave: Big fight.
Mr. James: Due to?
Dave: Argument.
Mr. James: Issue?
Dave: Temper.
Mr. James: Hers?
Dave: Mine.
Mr. James: Hit her?
Dave: No!
Mr. James: Throw something?
Dave: No.
Mr. James: Call her a name?
Dave: Yes.
Mr. James: What?
Dave: B-word.
Mr. James: Bitch?
Dave: Yes.
Mr. James: Hot dog, now you're talkin'!

Mr. James: It's almost 12:00. Is anybody gonna try to talk me out of this?
Matthew: Nope. Cause we don't have to.
Mr. James: Why is that Matthew?
Matthew: Well, because I took the liberty of turning the clock back ten minutes, it is actually 12:05, which means you missed your midnight deadline... yes!
Mr. James: Matthew, that 12:00 was just a loose guideline. I'm dealing with a corporation here, not magical fairies.

Mr. James: Melanie, I'm single, you're single, what do you say we get married?
Melanie: Well I'm glad you finally decided on the direct approach.
Mr. James: Yeah, well I'm a businessman at heart.
Melanie: As am I. What's your offer?
Mr. James: Single rich male seeks matrimony.
Melanie: Primary residence?
Mr. James: Westchester County.
Melanie: Would you be open to considering a secondary residence in Manhattan?
Mr. James: Central Park West?
Melanie: South.
Mr. James: Done. Time spent together.
Melanie: Eight hours, five days a week.
Mr. James: Seven hours, twelve hours weekends.
Melanie: Fifty-five hours aggregate, specifics to be determined later.
Mr. James: I'm amenable to that. Children.
Melanie: One.
Mr. James: Three.
Melanie: Two.
Mr. James: Done. But one of them has to be a male.
Melanie: I'll see what I can do. Vacations.
Mr. James: December, Hawaii.
Melanie: June. The Vineyard.
Mr. James: June fine, but Hawaii.
Melanie: Nope, the Vineyard.
Mr. James: Is that a deal breaker for you?
Melanie: I'm afraid so.
Mr. James: Me too. Well we gave it a shot.

Mr. James: You know, back in the service we used to have a saying, "You can't expect the troops to salute you if you're sleeping with the sergeant."
Dave: (confused) What... what branch of the service were you in sir?

Mr. James: You're sleeping with the boss now, Lisa. What do you think the staff's gonna feel about that? You know what people think about Yoko Ono.
Lisa: Yes, I do sir.
Mr. James: What about you Dave, you know what they think about Paul McCartney.
Dave: You mean John Lennon.
Mr. James: No, people liked him.

Mr. James: Dave, please, I don't think now's the best time to regale you with stories of my world famous root beer jacuzzi.

Mr. James: Dave, please. You don't drop a piranha in a kiddie pool and then stick around to watch the bubbles.

Mr. James: Dave, what do you say we hire someone to work at the station for no money?
Dave: Ah, so you're considering hiring an intern?
Mr. James: Well, I was hoping we could call him a "Jimmy James Rockin' Ranger", but I guess "intern" has a ring to it too.
Dave: This wouldn't happen to be one of your weird nephews, would it?
Mr. James: No, no, no. This is one of my normal nephews.
Dave: [groans]
Mr. James: I'm serious, Dave. This kid's so normal he makes Richie Cunningham look like a crack smoking porn freak.

Mr. James: I am a cipher, a cipher wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce.

Mr. James: I'm sorry Dave, but a budget is a budget is a budget, to paraphrase...
Dave: Gertrude Stein
Mr. James: What?
Dave: Yeah, "A rose is a rose is a rose"
Mr. James: That's really pretty Dave but can we get back to the budget!

Mr. James: I've got so many lawyers lined up to see me, you'd think I had tobacco leaking outta my breast implants.