Mr. James: If I increased the budget every time morale was low, the guys in my asbestos factory would be driving around solid gold Cadillacs by now.

Mr. James: Spare me. If I believed in fairy tales I wouldn't have dropped out of kindergarten.

Mr. James: You are totally under siege out there! It's just like that movie. What's its name?
Dave: "Under Siege"?
Mr. James: No.
Dave: "Under Siege 2"?
Mr. James: No.
Dave: "Under Siege 3"?
Mr. James: That's the one.
Lisa: I don't think they made an "Under Siege 3".
Mr. James: Hey, I can dream, can't I?

Reporter: What did you mean when you said, "Feel my scales donkey donkey donkey donkey donkey?"

[Bill arrives at the office with a cane.]
Dave: Hi, Bill...something wrong with your leg?
Bill: Not that I'm aware of, but thanks for asking.
Dave: If there's nothing wrong with your leg, then why the cane?
Bill: The what?
Dave: The cane. Your walking stick.
Bill: Oh, you mean my cane. Picked her up at an antique store over lunch. They say she's over a hundred years old. Hand-carved mahogany with a solid brass tip. What's the matter, Dave? Don't you like my cane?
Dave: Again, Bill, why do you have a cane?
Bill: You like my cane, don't you, Catherine?
Catherine: It's a cane, Bill. Who cares?
Bill: [laughing] You see, it's just like that saying: "Everybody loves a cane."
Dave: No, Bill, I believe the saying is "Everybody loves a clown", which is what you look like with that thing.
Bill: Ahh! You're jealous of her, aren't you?
Dave: No, Bill, I'm not jealous of her. It's just that it's such an obvious affectation, a desperate bid for attention.
Bill: Maybe. Or maybe I just like canes.

[Catherine interviews Tom P. Baxter, "business visionary"]
Catherine: I realize no one can actually predict the future, but I understand you have a unique insight into where we might be headed as we approach the turn of the century.
Tom: Yeah, I do. As I see it, Catherine, the future of business, well, the future of this country in fact is... computers.
Catherine: Computers. Okay, would you care to elaborate on that?
Tom: Oh, you bet! I think computers are great! You can keep records on them, play games. They're, well, they're like magic.
Catherine: Uh-huh...
Tom: I mean, I don't have one yet. But I'm gonna get one, you better believe that.
Catherine: What exactly do you do for a living, Tom?
Tom: Well, I'm between things right now, but all that's gonna change just as soon as I get a computer!
Season 2

[Dave and Lisa are campaigning for the Program Manager's job, which neither one of them wants]
Bill: I have a two-part question, chief. One, what does Lisa look like naked? And two, what does Lisa feel like naked? This question is for both candidates.
Dave: I'll field this one. As a prospective news director, it would be improper for me to answer that question. But if the unthinkable was to happen and I was to lose this election, well, then I could answer that question in almost pornographic detail.
Bill: [nodding, impressed] Good answer.

[Lisa is planning to expose Mr. James]
Dave: All right, well, let's not go overboard. Let's try to remember that, at heart, Mr. James is a decent person.
Lisa: Yes, they're all decent persons, Dave, but once a man throws his hat into the ring, it is my duty as a journalist to make him my bitch.

[Matthew is worried he's going to get "The Shaft" - a bonus of zero dollars.]
Bill: Say, Joe, who's the black private dick that's a sex machine for all the chicks?
Joe: Bill, I think that would be Shaft.
[Matthew notices and looks up.]
Bill: And who's the cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about?
Joe: Again, Bill, we're talkin' 'bout Shaft.
Bill: Damn right.
Joe: You know, they say that cat Shaft is one bad mother-
Matthew: Shut up, you guys!
Mr. James: [entering] Hey, what's goin' on?
Bill: We're just talking about Shaft.
Mr. James: I can dig it.

[on making the station more productive]
Mr. James: No, Plan A was a bust. I'd like you all to meet...Plan B.
Andrea: Hi, everyone.
Matthew: Planbee...what an interesting name...
Andrea: Call me Andrea.
Matthew: Nice to meet you, Andrea Planbee.

[Reading cards from the complaint box]
Dave: "You suck." "You suck." "Howard Stern rules." "If you can read this you are a dork." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a girl." "We need more complaint cards." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a guy."
Joe: Hey.
Dave: [pulling out a fortune cookie slip] "You will go on a journey, happy long time." "Matthew is a moron." "No I'm not." "Yes you are." "No I'm not infinity." "Yes you are infinity plus one." And this one, "I have doobie in my funk," which I assume is some sort of reference to the Parliament Funkadelic song, "Chocolate City." Uh, "You got peanut butter in my chocolate. You got chocolate in my peanut butter. Together they taste like crap." "Matthew has been staring at me all day... and I love it." I don't think I get this one, it says, "I try to be good hard-worker-man, but refrigemater so messy, so so messy."
Lisa: I think that one's probably from Milos, the janitor.
Dave: Oh. Refrigem... oh, then that one's legitimate.
[continues reading the complaint cards]
Dave: Uh, "Who's the black private dick who's the sex machine with all the chicks."
Bill, Beth, Lisa, Matthew, Joe: SHAFT.
Bill: I thought we'd all enjoy that.
Dave: [reading one last card] And, "Help, I'm being held prisoner in a complaint box," which is actually kinda funny.

[The Santa in the lobby has been threating to kill Bill]
Bill: Why are you doing this to me?
Santa: Do I have your complete attention, Bill McNeal?
Bill: Yes!
Santa: Good. [Takes off the Santa hat and beard] My name's Sam Belford. I'm a communications major trying to break into broadcasting. I know this is kind of a silly stunt, but you won't soon be forgetting the name Sam Belford, am I right? And now I'd like to present you with a copy of my demo tape.
Bill: You did all this to get me to listen to your demo tape?
Santa: Yes.
Bill: You're gonna go places in this business, son!

[Beth finds out that Dave and Lisa made out]
Beth: Dave, there is no avoiding it. When you make out with a co-worker, you have an ugly scene in the office and then the next thing you know, I am at home crying my eyes out because I'm afraid to come into work the next morning!
Dave: We're not talking about me any more, are we?
Beth: No, we're not, Dave. We're talking about me now.
Dave: You and, uh...
Beth: The Fed-Ex guy.
Dave: We don't use Fed-Ex.
Beth: Not any more.

[Beth shows Bill a nude photo of herself, disguised with a paper bag so he won't recognize her]
Beth: Bill, what do you think of this photo?
Bill: Who is that?
Beth: Oh, it's a friend of mine doing a thesis at NYU, it's a fine arts program.
Bill: Uh-huh. Well, it's an interesting commentary on the objectification of the female form and of course the masks women are forced to wear in our society. If I were the NEA I'd give her five or six grand.
Beth: Well, Bill, do you think it's sexy?
Bill: Well, I don't really think that's germane to a discussion of the statement the artist is trying to make.
Beth: Thank you, Bill.
[Bill walks over to Matthew]
Bill: Beth's showing nudie photos of herself with a paper bag over her head. Check it out.

[Bill sets up a cubicle around his desk]
Dave: Have you thought about how this will make you co-workers feel?
Bill: Actually, one of the great things about the cubicle is not having to think about my co-workers at all.