Joe: There is a very specific way you deal with a woman like that. You get down on your hands and knees and beg her to have sex with you.

Kid: Why does a radio station have a sheriff?

Lisa: Every Christmas my family sends out this newsletter, you know, and it's all about what my brothers and I have been doing, blah-di-blah blah blah.
Dave: You know my mom does that too.
Lisa: Really? Does your mom have her newsletter professionally typeset with full color photographs by a former art director of Vanity Fair?
Dave: No, my mom cuts out pictures of all the kids faces and pastes them on reindeer bodies... But we like it!

Lisa: Have you ever taken naked pictures of yourself?
[Long pause]
Dave: [into speakerphone] Mom, I'm going to have to call you back...

Lisa: I know you may find this hard to believe, but not everybody spends their whole day thinking about Bill McNeal.
Bill: You're a true source of comfort, Lisa.

Lisa: Okay, so the most important thing to remember is that we stick together, right? We are a unit. They take all of us, or they take none of us.
Bill: [walking in] Okay people, let's go to Plan B. It's every man for himself!
Lisa: Listen to me. The last thing we need right now is a power struggle.
Bill: Absolutely, I'm with you.
Lisa: Good.
Bill: All those in favor of maintaining a unified front stay here, those of you who'd like to join my splinter group meet me in the men's room in five minutes.

Lisa: The problem is you look better in my dress than I do.
Dave: What?
Lisa: You do. I've never been able to wear that dress because I just couldn't pull it off and now you just look like a million bucks.
Dave: No. I look like a man in a dress, which is worth at most $150 on Ninth Avenue.

Lisa: You're Canadian?
Mr. James: I am?
Lisa: Not you, sir. Him.
Mr. James: Oh no. Dave? He's from the Midwest, the heart of America where the real Americans live. You're as American as apple pie, aren't you, Dave?
Dave: Yeah.
Lisa: Then what is this all about?
Dave: What's what all ab- uh... What's what?
Lisa: You're afraid to say it, aren't you.
Dave: No.
Lisa: Yes, you are.
Dave: No.
Lisa: Yes, you are. If you have nothing to hide, say "about".
Dave: No.
Lisa: Say it.
Dave: No.
Lisa: Say "out".
Dave: No.
Lisa: House. Couch.
Dave: Your honor, I plead the fifth.
Lisa: I don't know if you have that right.
Dave: I do too, eh.
Mr. James: Oh my God.

Lisa: Cards aren't a game of luck. They're a game of strategy, statistics, probability, and money management.

Lisa: Do you really think that Bill is going to spend three hours a day teaching his child the difference between integrated and non-integrated algebraic functions?!
Dave: No, but raising children is about love. Didn't you have any love when you were growing up?
Lisa: Yes, of course we had love, at very judiciously determined intervals. I'm sure Bill is just going to lavish it on them all the time!

Lisa: Sorry I'm late. The chambermaid couldn't get my corset laced.
Matthew: Yeah, I've been there.
Lisa: You don't wear a corset, Matthew.
Matthew: Not anymore, I'll tell you that much.

Matthew: I took third place in the costume contest last year.
Dave: Really? What was your costume?
Matthew: Motorcycle enthusiast.
Joe: Gay biker.

Matthew: Oh, Dave, oh my, you would have loved it... a week in a foreign place, strange people, strange customs.
Dave: I know exactly what you mean, I've been to Canada.
Matthew: Trust me, Japan is even more exotic.
Dave: Clearly you've never been to Winnipeg.

Matthew: [singing] Ted... He's dead... And the hobbits and the gnomes, they're dancing to and fro. They have to keep the plus 2 sword from the chaotic evil thief lord. Now we're rocking, now we're really rocking!

Matthew: Dave, we have got to get rid of that security door.
Dave: No, we don't.
Matthew: Yes, we do. A little bird just flew into the glass and died.
Dave: Really? [They go over to look.] Matthew, that's a Cornish game hen.
Matthew: Doesn't it make you want to cry?
Dave: You didn't even bother to defrost it.