Dave: No, I am not paranoid, because I can say without a trace of irony...you're all out to get me.

Dave: So, Theo, you want to work in broadcasting?
Theo: Anything would be better than what I'm doing now.
Dave: What are you doing now?
Theo: I give motivational speeches for corporate events.

Dave: There are things in this life worth living for.
Lisa: Like love?
Dave: I was talking about coffee. By the way, do you have any?
Lisa: Love?
Dave: No. Coffee.
Lisa: No.
Dave: Well, then what's the point? [drowns himself]
Season 5

Dave: Well, well, well. A kingdom of fat men in mini cars. You must be very proud.

Dave: You're telling me you don't want to go to New Hampshire because... your cats will kill you?
Matthew: It's called responsibility, David. Wake up and sniff it.

Jim: All right, come on you two. Geez, I don't know. It's like everybody's going absolutely bitchcakes here today.

Jimmy: And free advertising, well that's something you just can't buy.

Joe: Dave, did you ever stop to consider that it might be one of the 15 or 20 other guys who work in this station?
Bill: Joe's right. How come every time there's a problem you assume that it's one of us. What about them? What if it was... that guy who's name I don't know? Or that guy who sits by him? Or the girl-
Dave: Because somebody gave those people the impression they're not allowed in the break room.
Bill: Well Dave, I consider that room a private sanctuary where I can escape from all those horrid little people whose names I don't know.

Joe: Can I talk to you for a minute?
Dave: It better be good and it better be fast!
Lisa: I was just about to say that.
Season 3

Joe: Did you commit any crimes that weren't SAT related?
Lisa: I broke into a library.
Beth: To vandalize it?
Lisa: No, I had a big history test and the only copy of the Federalist Papers I had at home was abridged.

Joe: Dude, you can't adopt a baby.
Bill: Why not?
Joe: Actually I don't know why not, but there's gotta be some reason.

Joe: I'm rewiring the phones for speed-dial, so like, if you have to call 911 you don't have to push a whole lot of buttons.

Joe: Look, man, I don't care what you say about me, but making fun of alien technology is just stupid.

Joe: No matter how far technology advances it's still just a bunch of wires connected to other wires.
Beth: So what's wrong with it?
Joe: I can't seem to find any wires.

Joe: Sexual harassment is no joke, sweet-cans.