Dave: Yes, I am Canadian.

Dave: You slept with your therapist? --
Lisa: No!
Dave: Your therapist?
Lisa: No he wasn't my therapist. I would never sleep with my therapist. He was my professor!
Dave: You slept with your professor?!
Lisa: Yeah.
Dave: I mean, isn't that illegal, and disgusting?
Lisa: Illegal? No. Inappropriate? Yes. Disgusting? Mmm...Hardly.

Dave: Bill, is your life so boring that you have to fantasize about imaginary love triangles you're not even a part of?
Bill: Yes.

Dave: Bill, these people are insane.
Bill: Oh, really? Then why did they elect me Prime Minister of Ward 15 this morning?

Dave: Bill, this is not a frat house. We do not haze the interns.
Bill: Come on, all the top companies are hazing new employees!
Lisa: Bill, that's a lie.
Bill: Read the papers. Corporate America is finally waking up to what fraternities and biker gangs have known for years. Hazing works!

Dave: Bill, who is that man, and what the hell is he doing?
Bill: Oh, Cadbury's my new manservant. Isn't that right, Cadbury?
Cadbury: The master is correct.
Dave: You hired a butler?
Bill: I prefer the term "gentleman's gentleman".

Dave: By the way, you'll be happy to hear that you're going to New Hampshire after all.
Lisa: How come Matthew's not going?
Dave: Well, apparently if he's away from home for more than 30 minutes, his cats start plotting against him.
Lisa: And people say you're whipped.

Dave: Can't you ever just be sincere and normal?
Bill: In real life? No.
Dave: What do you mean, in real life?
Bill: On the radio I open up completely, really bare my soul.
Dave: You do news, traffic, and weather.
Bill: But I mean it.

Dave: Hear me well! As of today a new Dave is born. A Dave who for lack of better words is...pure evil.

Dave: I agree. I think something needs to happen to relieve Matthew of this responsibility.
Joe: You want me to kill him?
Dave: No, I think that if something were to happen to the car the investigation might not be that aggressive.

Dave: I just had no idea that the Patch could have side effects.
Bill: And I had no idea you're only supposed to wear one at a time.
Dave: How many were you wearing?
Bill: Fifteen, sixteen. I sort of stuck them all around my waist like a belt.

Dave: I made a small error in judgment.
Mr. James: A small error in judgment... What exactly would that be, Dave? Would that be Matthew's desk, or the dinner with Matthew, or the dinner with Lisa or the second dinner with Lisa?
Dave: Okay, I may have made three or four small errors in judgment.
Mr. James: No, they weren't errors, Dave. They were decisions and that's your job. No, the only error I see is that you're letting your people push you around and make you second-guess your decisions.
Dave: Of course, you're right.
Mr. James: And now you're letting me do it. Want my advice?
Dave: Yes.
Mr. James: Well, I'm not gonna give it to you.

Dave: Joe, why don't you just call in a specialist?
Joe: I am a specialist.
Dave: At what?
Joe: At everything.

Dave: Listen up, everybody, this is what we're going to do.
Bill: Standard subway crisis. We know what to do, Dave.
Dave: I didn't know there was a standard procedure for this.
Bill: Oh, sure. We send a reporter to the scene. He asks the transit police if he can go in the tunnel. They say no. He says okay. I go on the air every eight minutes and say "Still no news on that disabled train." Business as usual. Let's do it, people!
Dave: Actually, Bill, if I might, I'd like to try something a little different this time, okay?
Bill: Okay, how about this? Send reporter, transit police, tunnel-no-okay, me on air every seven minutes, blah, blah, blah. Let's do it, people!

Dave: Mr. James, I didn't see you come in.
Mr. James: Yeah, that's the way I like it. Like, uh, that magician guy. What's his name?...
Dave: David Copperfield?
Mr. James: No.
Dave: Siegfried?
Mr. James: No.
Dave: Roy?
Mr. James: That's the one.