Catherine: This is the most childish stunt you have ever pulled.
Bill: Au contraire, my dear. Gluing your pencils together was the most childish stunt I ever pulled.

Danny: You know, when I first hooked up with Matthew I thought, "Hey, I want one of the little ones." But then as time went by and we got to know each other, I realized he needs just as much guidance, and love, and good old-fashioned big brothering as anyone else.
Lisa: That's true. Which is sad. But still.

Dave: [to Mr. James] Normally at a time like this I'd ask you for advice, and you'd say something that would make no sense at all, but somehow it would all fit together. Like, I would tell you, "Sir, I have a problem," and you'd say, "Well, what is it?" and I'd say, "Well, sir, Lisa wants to have a baby, but she doesn't want to get married," and you'd say "Dave, why milk the cow when you have a fridge full of steaks?" And I'd say, "Sir, that makes no sense," and you'd say, "Well, it sure made sense when that guy Chuck Connors said it in that movie Chinatown," and I'd say, "Sir, Chuck Connors wasn't in Chinatown," and you'd say, "Dave, if I wanted to have this conversation I'd have hired that guy Siskel Ebert to do your job," and I'd say, "Sir, Siskel and Ebert are two people," and you'd say, "Dave, just because the man is fat is no reason to make fun of him."

Dave: According to these numbers, when Bill's show comes on people turn off their car radios, pull over to the side of the road, abandon their vehicles and walk home rather than risk hearing another second.

Dave: All right, look, Beth. I know you've had a rough day, I know this has been very hard on you, and I know you've heard this before; but I'm gonna say it again because it's important, all right? You do not have to subscribe in order to be eligible for the Publishers Clearinghouse sweepstakes.
Beth: You are so naive, Dave.

Dave: Any inappropriate expenditures will be deducted from your salary in the future.
Beth: That is going too far.
Dave: No, taking a cab to New Jersey and back is going too far.
Beth: That was radio-related business.
Dave: There are plenty of places in Manhattan to buy a radio.
Beth: Dave, it was a 43% off sale. Apparently, the guy who owned the place went crazy and was slashing prices.
Dave: Well I may go crazy and slash paychecks if I see another receipt like that.

Dave: Bill, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade?"
Bill: Dave, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then toss it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you asked for in the first place?"

Dave: But he is a rat, right? Doesn't anyone find that disgusting?
Catherine: Oh, he's cute Dave. Just pokes his little head out when it's quiet and sometimes we feed him potato chips.
Lisa, Beth: And Fig Newtons!
Dave: [faking a laugh] Aw gosh, [turning serious] does anyone here remember a little thing called the Black Plague?

Dave: Have you ever heard the expression that you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar?
Bill: Have you ever heard the expression, "Only a hillbilly sits around figuring out the best way to catch flies?"

Dave: Joe, why is that kid duct-taped to your back?
Joe: Because I needed both hands free to demonstrate the many other uses of duct tape!

Dave: Maybe you should lay off those sandwiches.
Bill: No, that's just it. I finished the last one at 12:41 last night. Ever since, things have been happening to my body.
Dave: Would it be impolite at this point in the conversation to just run away from you?
Bill: I think my system got used to its hourly fix of artificial preservatives. My body has started to age incredibly rapidly.
Dave: No it hasn't.
Bill: Yes it has. We're running out of time, look! Help me, I'm begging you!
Dave: You actually dyed you hair grey to convince me to bring back the sandwich machine?
Bill: Yes, I did! Now do you understand how important this is to me?
Dave: Only if you dyed all your hair grey to match.
Bill: I did!

Dave: She steal your high school sweetheart or something?
Beth: Oh yeah, of course, because whenever two women are fighting it's obviously over a man, because, you know men are all important and women are nothing. Men are great! All hail king man!... But yes, she did steal my high school sweetheart.

Dave: Sir, it's about the budget.
Mr. James: The budget? Don't I pay someone else to think about that?
Dave: That would be me.
Mr. James: Well, then, why am I thinking about it? You know, you're not giving me much bang for my buck here, Dave.

Dave: Well, you've got me, alright? Yes, yes, I'm Canadian. And I'm actually 46 years old, I'm secretly married and have two children living in New Jersey and at night I patrol the streets of Gotham City in my customized Davemobile.

Dave: Why? Because I'm the boss, Bill, that's why! That's why, Bill. And I will not be manipulated, I will not be contradicted, and I will not be intimidated!
Bill: Well, I didn't realize you were a man of such strong conviction, of such deeply felt moral tenacity, of such remarkable centeredness...
Dave: All right, Bill, I'm not going to be sucked-up to either.
Bill: Well, you've eliminated all my options. All that's left is backstabbing.