[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher visit Marty Eels at his office]
Marty Eels: Monk, Monk, sit. Sit anywhere.
Adrian Monk: Oh that's okay, I'm not fine.
Marty Eels: [to Natalie] Did he just say he's not fine?
Natalie Teeger: Yes.

[Natalie hands Randy an invitation to her brother's wedding]
Lt. Randall Disher: Who's Jonathan Davenport?
Natalie Teeger: He's my brother.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "You're always kissably fresh with Davenport," like the toothpaste.
Natalie Teeger: Uh, not like the toothpaste. We are the toothpaste.
Adrian Monk: [in disbelief] What?
[Disher produces a tube of Davenport Toothpaste]
Lt. Randall Disher: This is you?

[Natalie is about to touch Devo, Gerald Vengal's pet]
Natalie Teeger: He's actually kinda cute. [leans forward to pet it]
Adrian Monk: Natalie, don't touch him! Later on, when we have time, I'll tell you a little story about the Black Plague.

[Natalie pins Theresa Scott, her brother's murderous new wife, to the floor]
Natalie: Stay away from our family. We have enough problems.

[Natalie's cell phone rings while she is talking to Julio Alvarez's boss]
Adrian Monk: Natalie, it's me, Adrian Monk.
Natalie Teeger: Yes, Mr. Monk, we were just talking about you.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, you have to come back here.
Natalie Teeger: I can't right now, Mr. Monk, I'm at the pizzeria talking to the manager.
Adrian Monk: It's Ebola.
Natalie Teeger: Excuse me?
Adrian Monk: I think I have the Ebola virus.
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, you do not have the Ebola virus.
Adrian Monk: I'm pretty sure I do, I have all the symptoms, I have the headache, the fever, the massive internal bleeding.
Natalie Teeger: You have massive internal bleeding?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I believe I do, that is my opinion.

[Natalie, wearing a black dress and sunglasses, approaches Randy, who is standing with one foot on a rock, his elbow on his knee, and his head on his fist, gazing off over the water]
Natalie Teeger: What are you doing?
Lt. Randall Disher: Standing. This is how I stand. What are you wearing?
Natalie Teeger: Clothes. This is how I dress.
Lt. Randall Disher: This is how I stand.
Natalie Teeger: This is how I dress.

[Natasia Zorelle has been discovered dead in her apartment. Gordo is dusting a glass for fingerprints when Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher come in]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How's it look, Gordo?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Oh, looks like suicide, smells like suicide. Primary's on suicide. She drained two of those bottles and around 30 sleeping pills.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Were those prescription?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Probably not.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Randy] We'll check with her doctor. Make a note.
Lt. Randall Disher: I'll remember. [Randy is wearing an expensive suit, due to Hodge's comment about his attitude getting way over his head]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where's your notebook?
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, I didn't bring it. It's an Italian suit, it was ruining the lining. But don't worry. [points to his head] I'll remember it. [He gazes at a mirror and tries to readjust the lining, but Natalie moves in front of him and blocks his view]
Natalie Teeger: Am I in your way?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: [to Monk] She probably got depressed after you spoke to her. All those memories about the murder bubbling up.
Adrian Monk: You know, I don't think so. One set of fingerprints on the glass.
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Well yeah, they're hers.
Adrian Monk: But look, she's wearing lipstick. There's no lipstick on the glass. Somebody wiped down the glass, and then put it back in her hand. [Stottlemeyer turns and addresses all of the other cops and CSI techs in the room]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay! This is now a homicide investigation! Lock this joint down, nobody touches anything! [turning to Randy] Fabio, go and borrow a notebook, and borrow a pencil, and start talking to neighbors!
Natalie Teeger: Captain, what do you think it means?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It means that your boss scared somebody.

[observing women standing in a barrel, crushing grapes]
Wine Expert: Wine stomping. It's a tradition that goes back thousands of years to the Greeks. We're one of the last wineries in California that at least makes some of their wines using this method.
Adrian Monk: Oh my God! People actually drink that?!
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, I think so.
Adrian Monk: Are they insane?! Ask her if they're insane!

[Randy is questioning security guard Warren Landis about where he was during the robbery]
Warren Landis: I want to help you guys. I really do, but they've questioned me three times.
Lt. Randall Disher: It's not just you, Mr. Landis. We're talking to all the guards, cleaning staff, curators; anybody who was at the museum.
Warren Landis: Yeah, but I haven't been home yet!
Lt. Randall Disher: And I appreciate that. We just need your official statement, and you're free to go. So for the record, where were you during the robbery?
Warren Landis: OK, for the tenth time, I was at my station on the main floor. I *never* left. I didn't even go to the bathroom.
Lt. Randall Disher: And you didn't hear anything unusual?
Warren Landis: No, sir. I was three floors away.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay. [noticing Monk and Natalie] Excuse me for a second. Can I get you something to drink?
[Randy walks over to the cooler where Monk and Natalie are standing]
Lt. Randall Disher: Monk, Nat.
Adrian Monk: What's going on?
Lt. Randall Disher: What? You haven't heard? Robbery at the MacMillan Museum. It was big, big! The Alexander Diamond.
Natalie Teeger: Whoa!
Lt. Randall Disher: I know whoa! Robbery division asked us to help out, so we're taking statements from everybody on site.
Adrian Monk: So you're not arresting him about the drugs?
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, no, what drugs?
Adrian Monk: His fingertips are stained. It looks like red phosphorus. You get that from making crystal meth. He's got to have a lab somewhere.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, I'll look into it. [turns to Landis] Excuse me, Mr. Landis. [to Monk and Natalie] If the Captain needs me, I'll be in Interrogation Room B. [Randy leaves with Landis to head to the interrogation room]

[Randy's birthday cake has been wrapped in cellophane (which Monk calls a "spittle shield")]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Blow out the candles, Lieutenant. [After a few moments, Randy blows out the candles, and the cellophane catches on fire. Randy makes a futile attempt at fanning out the flames, which continue until Stottlemeyer puts the flames out with a fire extinguisher]
Adrian Monk: Hey, happy birthday.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I think I might reconsider that investment.

[Rufus pulls up to the MacMillan Museum in a van and hops out with some tulips]
Inspector St. Clare: Excuse me! Any suspects, yet?
Rufus: I wouldn't know. I'm just delivering flowers.
Inspector St. Clare: No you're not. You're a private detective, like me.
Rufus: [scoffs] Me, a detective? That's uh, very funny by the way! I can't wait to tell the guys-
Inspector St. Clare: Look, you're selling it to me! That satellite dish on your roof, the number on the side - "555" - obviously a fake. Now conclusion number 1: you're after the Alexander Diamond. Conclusion number 2: you haven't got a prayer. [Dirk, a motorcycle rider, wheels in and parks his motorcycle in a handicap space]
Rufus: Excuse me! That's a handicap spot!
Dirk: It's okay. I'm psychotic. Is this where they stole the rock?
Inspector St. Clare: You judging me?
Dirk: Not anymore.

[Someone has nearly tried to kill Randy by running him down]
Natalie Teeger: How is he?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Broken arm, broken leg, probably a couple of broken ribs. Suitcase took most of the blow; it could've been much worse.
Natalie Teeger: Can he identify the driver?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He can't identify me! I'll check back later. [to Monk] What have you got?
Adrian Monk: Condensation. The air conditioner was running, and the humidity is what, about 70%? So that car was idling right here for about 20 minutes.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So what, he was waiting for him?
Adrian Monk: From the tire tracks, he must have peeled out at full speed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So he didn't even try to brake, or make the turn? Son-of-a-bitch! [to Natalie] What happened?! He was only here for an hour! Did he piss somebody off?
Adrian Monk: [produces an evidence bag] And we found this, near the gas pedal. It's some kind of green mud.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'll get this down to the lab right away.
Natalie Teeger: Captain, it's not your case.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: By hell it's not! [Lieutenant Bristo approaches]

[Stottlemeyer and Disher talk to a cashier who saw the shooting]
Captain Stottlemeyer: [holding the police sketch of the suspect] You've never seen this guy before? In the store, hanging around the parking lot?
Young Cashier: I don't think so, but I see a lot of faces.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sure.
Lt. Randall Disher: It looks like Kiefer Sutherland.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [pausing] Yeah, I guess it does. [Disher scoots his chair over]
Lt. Randall Disher: It wasn't Kiefer Sutherland, was it?
Young Cashier: No, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [producing the killer's reciept] Here's a receipt. This is from your cash register. This is him, right?
Young Cashier: Mm-hmm.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Eight items at 89 cents.
Young Cashier: Yes, sir. Eight candy bars.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Eight candy bars?
Lt. Randall Disher: It really looks like Kiefer Sutherland. You know, maybe we should - before we distribute it - write across the bottom "Not Kiefer Sutherland," just so that we don't disturb Mr. Sutherland.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [sarcastically] That's a really good idea.
Lt. Randall Disher: You think so?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No.

[Stottlemeyer is unsure that Marty Eels has become a great detective overnight, so he and the others question Marty at his office]
Marty Eels: So Captain, am I on the case, or what?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Listen, I need to ask you a couple of questions.
Marty Eels: Sure.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where were you yesterday morning at eight o'clock?
Marty Eels: You mean when the robbery was happening? Why? Because you can't keep up with me on a crime scene?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where were you, Marty?
Marty Eels: [pouring them coffee] I was at the hospital. Saint Andrew's. They thought I had a concussion.
Lt. Randall Disher: What happened?
Marty Eels: Well, it's kind of embarrassing. I got hit very hard by a client--hit me very hard. Yeah. I--I was supposed to follow his wife and take pictures. [hands them a file with photos of a terrified man and woman in bed]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Whoa! She was cheating on him.
Marty Eels: No, no. That's him. That's my client.
Natalie Teeger: [incredulously] You burst in and took a picture of a man in bed with his own wife?
Marty Eels: Yes I did. I made a mistake. I'm human! So the bottom line is that I was at the hospital when the jewelry thing was happening. You can call them.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We will.
Marty Eels: Why is it so hard for you to believe that I'm this good?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Because, Marty, you were never this good before. In fact you sort of sucked.

[Stottlemeyer reads the coroner's report to Monk and Natalie]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Here's the coroner's report. Victim's name: Danny Chasen, it's probably an alias. Victim was poisoned; somebody spiked his all-natural barley tea with ammonia.
Adrian Monk: Was he part of the heist?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Looks like it. They found some hair samples in that rolltop desk at the museum that matched the body.
Natalie Teeger: Where's the diamond?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Still missing in action. Wasn't on him or in the cabin.
Adrian Monk: We know he had a partner, somebody who works at the museum. It's probably still with him.
Natalie Teeger: So the reward is still good? I mean, nobody's claimed it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, as far as I know. The reward is still good.
Natalie Teeger: [holds up file] Ka-ching!
Adrian Monk: [to Stottlemeyer] Could you make her stop saying that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: This is no longer a parlor game. A man is dead. This is a homicide investigation, which means nobody is to withold any information from anybody.
Natalie Teeger: [noticing that Monk and Stottlemeyer are looking at her with accusing looks] What? Are you looking at me?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes I am, Ms. Teeger.