[Stottlemeyer returns home after having punched a cop]
Karen Stottlemeyer: Did something happen?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Now that's a good question. What did you do? Did you turn the heat up? It's like a sauna in here.
Karen Stottlemeyer: It's supposed to be ninety-nine degrees exactly. It's called the Gittomer Method. It's very therapeutic.

[Stottlemeyer takes Monk to the parking lot where Prager tried to kill him]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Four months ago, it was a Tuesday night, I came out of a bar, around 2:30. [flashback to Stottlemeyer leaving that bar] They took my keys, so I'm walking home. [flashback ends] There was-there was a big black van here, he was waiting behind it. [points to a space occupied by a vintage car] Must've been parked here all night. [In flashback, Prager steps out from behind the van] He steps out. I'm standing right about where you are now. I knew who it was right away: it was Frank Prager, and he wanted me dead. I could see it in his eyes. [Stottlemeyer, in flashback, sees Prager's cold vengeful glare. Suddenly Prager brings up a gun and fires five shots at Stottlemeyer, but Stottlemeyer ducks behind a car, but by the time he brings up his S&W gun, Prager has vanished] He aims a Glock 17 at my head, caps off five rounds. And then he just disappeared. Until last night.
Adrian Monk: And they just left the bullet holes?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well it's probably good for business at this place. It adds to the mystique.

[Stottlemeyer wants Monk to follow his wife]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, I really need to know. I'd do it myself, but the chief says I need to go to this anger management class, which really pisses me off! I knocked out a tooth. One tooth. It's not like I killed the guy!
Adrian Monk: Who was that clown? I'd never seen him before.

[Terry is putting up a "MERRY CHRISTMAS" banner, which is slightly askew]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Terry, hey! That's not straight. The left side is too low.
Detective Terry Chasen: It's good enough.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, it's not. Adrian Monk is coming.
Detective Terry Chasen: Ah, hell. Okay.

[The day after Jennie Mandeville confesses to stealing a pen from a bank, she comes back and confesses to accidentally killing her roommate and dumping his body]
Lt. Disher: Jenny, what did you do with the body?
Jenny Mandeville: I flushed it down the toilet. [Realizing that this is another false "confession", Randy switches off the tape recorder]
Lt. Disher: Was Tony a goldfish?
Jenny Mandeville: A hamster.

[the SFPD has come to arrest Frank Prager, who is hiding in a church]
Sister Heather: Captain Stottlemeyer, I'm Sister Heather.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hi, sister. You know why I'm here, right?
Sister Heather: Yes. He's here; he's in the sanctuary. He's very frightened. You think he tried to murder you?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes, ma'am, I do.
Sister Heather: You obviously have very strong feelings about this.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're godda- Yes, I do.
Sister Heather: I just want to make sure that Brad isn't mistreated.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Brad's not his name.
Sister Heather: You're right, I don't know his real name, but I know the man. He's been working in our outreach program. He's been feeding the hungry and the homeless every night. When they're too tired to come here, he brings food to them.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe he has a guilty conscience.
Sister Heather: Well, any conscience at all is a rare thing these days. What do you want, Captain?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I want justice.
Sister Heather: Well, he's afraid that you want something else. He's afraid you and the other policemen want...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Revenge.
Sister Heather: My father once taught me an important lesson: "There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Your father?
Sister Heather: He's your father, too.

[While Monk's in bed Stottlemeyer visits him.]
Stottlemeyer: [pointing to machine] What's this?
Monk: Humidifier.
Stottlemeyer: [Pointing to other machine] And this?
Monk: De-humidifier.
[long pause]
Stottlemeyer: Well, don't they cancel each other out?
Monk: Exactly.