[Monk finds the crucial piece of evidence lodged in his hair after Sharona has been rooting around in a dumpster for it.]
Adrian Monk: Oh, wait. I found it.
Sharona Fleming: Where was it?!
Adrian Monk: It was in my... it must have flown up and got caught in my...
Sharona Fleming: [hits the side of the dumpster] GO-OD! I can't believe I listened to you! You're driving me nuts!

[Monk is looking for some evidence in a hardware store.]
Adrian Monk: It's a small pebble. It's about the size... of a... small pebble.

[Monk is silently wandering around a crime scene.]
Policewoman: What's he doing?
Sharona Fleming: I love this part. He does this Zen Sherlock Holmes thing.

[Monk is talking to Lt. Disher on an airplane phone.]
Disher: Are you really up there in an airplane?
Monk: It's better than being up here not in an airplane.

[Monk observes Stefan and Barbara Chabrol's behavior when a close friend, Bernard, comes up]
Bernard: Stefan!
Stefan Chabrol: Bernard.
Bernard: [chuckles] What a small world. Can you believe this?
Stefan Chabrol: No.
Bernard: I was just thinking about your father, God rest his soul. Are you heading back home?
Stefan Chabrol: Yeah, that's right.
Bernard: Yes, me too. I haven't seen you since the big anniversary party.
Stefan Chabrol: Ah! [Bernard turns to Barbara]
Bernard: Barbara, ravissante, comme toujours. ["Barbara, lovely, as always."] [He kisses her hand]
Barbara Chabrol: It's a pleasure to meet you.
Bernard: To meet me? Well, you don't remember. [laughs] You're breaking an old man's heart. I taught you how to waltz that night.
Barbara Chabrol: Oh, yes. Of course you did, I'm sorry, I'd forgotten.
Bernard: Moi, j'aurais pu jamais oubliee une soiree pareille. ["Me, I could have never forgotten that evening."]
Barbara Chabrol: I'm sorry, I don't speak French.
Bernard: Since when? We spoke for over an hour. That was only three years ago.
Stefan Chabrol: Uh, Bernard.

[Monk rattles off an arcane observation about one of Willie's studio recordings.]
Willie Nelson: You know more about me than I do.
Sharona Fleming: He knows more about everybody than they do.

[Monk takes drastic measures to stop the Chabrols from leaving Newark]
Adrian Monk: Hi! Hello. [clears his throat] Yeah, I'm, uh, worried about a buddy of mine, uh, Captain Claude Pritchard.
Man on phone: Claude Pritchard the pilot, yeah. He's on the tarmac right now. He's been cleared to take off.
Adrian Monk: So, he made it okay. What a relief. Unbelievable.
Man on phone: What do you mean?
Adrian Monk: Uh, oh, he was in pretty bad shape when I left him. We were out partying all last night, and into this morning, and��we're just��party boys.
Man on phone: Party boys?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Yeah, it was pretty ugly there for--I tried to take his keys away, but you know how old Claude gets when he's totally�� [Sharona mouths the word "hammered"] Hammered.
[Cuts to the inside of the plane, where Stefan Chabrol and "Barbara" toast their wine glasses]
Stewardess: Ladies and gentlemen, we have been asked to return to the gate. Please stay in your seats. We will be underway in just a few moments.
Season 2

[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher are in Stottlemeyer's office]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Close the door. [Randy closes the door] What you are about to see cannot leave this room. The tabloids would pay a million dollars for this videotape. It's from the surveillance camera near the crime scene. [Randy presses play on the tape]
Lt. Randall Disher: The alley's a dead end. This is the only way in. The side door to the radio station was wired to an alarm, so we know it wasn't opened.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The bottom line: we can tell for sure who was or was not there. [Monk pretends playing the clarinet] What the hell are you doing? [Monk signals to Stottlemeyer to wait a minute]
Sharona Fleming: Oh, uh, he's practicing.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Really?
Sharona Fleming: Willie Nelson invited him to sit in with his band.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, he may be live from Folsom Prison. Check this out. Go ahead. [Randy presses play on the tape. On the tape, Mrs. Mass pass by the camera as she enters the alleyway, tapping her cane as she feels around] Yeah, there goes Mrs. Mass. Tap, tap, tap. She goes into the alley. Fast-forward. [Randy fast forwards the tape a few minutes; Sonny Cross walks by the camera] And there goes the soon-to-be-late Sonny Cross. [A few seconds after Sonny Cross enters, Willie Nelson runs past the camera] And there goes Willie Nelson. Nobody else goes in or out. Pretty much a slam dunk.
Sharona Fleming: Are you gonna arrest him?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: D.A.'s ready to move. I'm waiting for some tests from the lab. Maybe tomorrow. [turns to Randy] Call your mom. Tell her to set the VCR. We're gonna be on the 6:00 news.
Adrian Monk: Captain, what about the note on the door?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: My videotape trumps your note. Ask any lawyer.
Adrian Monk: I don't know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, look. My heroes have been always been cowboys too. It's either "A," the blind woman, who has zero motive, or it's "B," your buddy, the Red-Headed Stranger.
Lt. Randall Disher: Who had motive, means and opportunity, and was the identified by the only witness at the scene.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "A" or "B", Monk?
Adrian Monk: I think it's "C".
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "C"? What the hell is "C"?
Adrian Monk: I don't know yet.

[Monk, with Benjy tagging along, checks out the maids' locker room.]
Benjy Fleming: Think the dead body's in here?
Adrian Monk: Maybe. It's been everywhere else.

[On the hospital's roof, Monk addresses "Santa," in reality Dr. Lancaster in disguise, as the police cover them from below.]
Adrian Monk: By the way, in case we don't get a chance to talk later, [I] just want you to know -- except for the murders and your trying to kill me, you really were the best doctor I ever had.

[Radio jockey Kenny Freedman introduces Willie Nelson and his band]
Kenny Freedman: We're back. I'm Little Kenny Freedman. You're listening to Three Chord Monte on KNGY. We are very excited to have live in our studio the legendary Willie Nelson. I know you've been reading a lot about Willie in the papers. Everybody seems to have an opinion on "the incident". But tonight, we're gonna forget about all that and enjoy the music. Willie, would you like to introduce the band?

[riding up to meet Dale the Whale for the first time]
Sharona Fleming: Dale Biederbeck?
Adrian Monk: They call him Dale the Whale.
Sharona Fleming: I never heard of him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He spends a fortune every year making sure nobody ever hears of him. He buys newspapers just to keep his name out of them. [they get off the elevator, their movements monitored by a camera] All right, I want everybody to be careful in there. This guy is smart. He's gonna try to bait you. Assume you're being videotaped. Do not accuse him of anything. Now, Monk, I don't have to remind you that this bastard's got deep pockets, and he's got a platoon of lawyers and he loves to use them.
Sharona: You met him? What happened? [They are interrupted by Dr. Vezza's arrival]

[Sharona kicks Darryl into the arms of Capt. Stottlemeyer, who grabs him from behind.]
Darryl Wright: Son of a bitch!
Stottlemeyer: I'm surprised you can talk with a broken jaw.
Darryl Wright: I don't have a broken jaw!
[Stottlemeyer spins him around and belts him.]

[Sharona waits impatiently for her paycheck, but Monk doesn't think the case is solved yet.]
Sharona: Adrian, I'm giving you until 3.
[Monk looks at his watch.]
Sharona: No, not 3 o'clock. I'm counting to three.

[Stephan's girlfriend locks Monk inside the bathroom while he is changing. He starts banging on the door and Sharona comes to rescue him.]
Monk: Sharona! Open up! This isn't funny!
[Sharona opens the door. Monk pops out, clutching a piece of paper.]
Sharona: What's that?
Monk: It's my will.