[After Stottlemeyer ruins Monk's night "sleepover" with a wrong accusation, and Monk nevertheless solves the case...]
Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk!
[Stottlemeyer shuffles uncomfortably for a moment.]
Stottlemeyer: I'm sorry.
Monk: You don't have to say that.
Stottlemeyer: Yes, I do. Commissioner is making me.

[after the season ends, and Scott has failed to break a famous record]
Scott Gregorio: ...But I would like to say something. I met a man recently. He's become a good friend. He reminded me that there are things in life much more important than baseball. What matters most, is the people you love. Being true to them, or their memories. That's the real ball game. My friend isn't giving up on that, and neither am I. I'll see you all in spring training.

[Agent Grooms kicks Stottlemeyer out of the interrogation room]
Captain Stottlemeyer: I just got kicked out of my own interrogation room.
Lt. Randall Disher: You want some coffee, sir?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, Randy. What I want is for that A.T.F. CREEP to eat crow!
Adrian Monk: Well, we know who did it, and we know why. We just don't know how.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, again, he's in a coma.
Adrian Monk: He's the guy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: In twenty seconds, Agent Grooms is gonna come walking through that door, and he's gonna ask me what I think. Give me something else, for the love of God.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, wait. I have an idea. Maybe he had an accomplice.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, somebody else mailed the damn thing. Why not?
Sharona Fleming: I already had that idea. Tell him.
Adrian Monk: There was no accomplice. Why would Brian Babbage hire one? He didn't know he was gonna be in a coma.
Sharona Fleming: It's not exactly something you can plan.
Adrian Monk: All right. Anyway, why would an accomplice bother to go through with it? There was no reason to. The guy who hired him was in a coma.
Captain Stottlemeyer: All right, so... Brian built the bomb, and then Brian mailed the bomb, by himself.
Adrian Monk: That's right.
Captain Stottlemeyer: While he was in a coma.
Adrian Monk: [admiringly] You gotta admit -- it's a pretty good alibi. It's rock solid!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, I have known 15,000 criminals in my lifetime. Here's what they all have in common: THEY'RE CONSCIOUS!
Adrian Monk: Nonetheless.
Stottlemeyer: Is your shrink coming back soon?
[Agent Grooms comes out of the interrogation room, having finished questioning Ricky Babbage]
Agent Grooms: Captain. Sorry about in there, I, uh, work better one on one.
Captain Stottlemeyer: All right. So, how's it look?
Agent Grooms: He's bending not breaking. I'll get him. About to write up my case report, uh, I'm gonna list him as my primary. I'll need you to sign off on that. Right? Be easier to get an indictment if we're all on the same page.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm thinking�� [glances at Monk] Maybe it's the other brother.
Agent Grooms: Well, there's only one other brother, and... he's in a coma.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's the one. I think, uh, I think we should look into him.
[Stottlemeyer takes another glance at Monk, who is showing support]
Agent Grooms: He's a vegetable, Captain.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I know.
Agent Grooms: Don't you think that eliminates him as a suspect? I mean, I'm just��curious. How do you think he did it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: We're still working on that.
Agent Grooms: Yeah. Well, good luck with that, Captain. Uh, keep me informed.

[an old woman, actually Randy wearing a wig and some makeup, walks up to Monk and Sharona at the homeless shelter's serving counter]
Adrian Monk: Oh my God!
Sharona Fleming: [sees through the disguise] What are you supposed to be?
Lt. Randall Disher: I'm undercover. I'm homeless.
Sharona Fleming: What's that on your face?
Lt. Randall Disher: Dirt.
Sharona Fleming: [to Monk] Give the lady some gravy. [Monk does so]

[As they sit with the new widow, gibberish-speaking Adrian attempts to express his condolences. Sharona tells him to leave the room.]
Father Hatcher: Um... where's he from?
Sharona: Neptune.

[At a Mega-Mart staff meeting, Brent Donovan declares Jennie Silverman the Employee of the Month for the second consecutive month]
Brent Donovan: So this will come as no big surprise to anybody, but the Employee of the Month for the second straight month is, drum roll please, is Jennie Silverman. [Everyone applauses and pretends praise] Well done, Jenny. And as winner, Jenny will enjoy another month of special privilages: the Employee of the Month parking spot in front of the main entrance, of course the--Mega-Mart mug, the gift certificate for dinner for two at the Lobster Barrel on 17th Street - good only on weekdays and does not include lobster - and the winner's plaque, which will be on display right at the main entrance for the entire month, which should inspire all of us.

[At Ambrose's house]
Natalie Teeger: [looking at an old photo album, specifically, a photo of Jack, Sr. with a turtle] Is that your father?
Ambrose Monk: Oh, that's him and Ambrose.
Natalie Teeger: He named the turtle after you?
Ambrose Monk: He named me after the turtle.

[At the museum]
Human Corpuscle performer: Hello, I'm a white corpuscle. I'm an important part of your body's defense system. I travel through your bloodstream and I fight bacteria and diseases. Would you like to know more about me?
Natalie Teeger: No. I'd like to know less about you.

[Before the show, Monk and Dwight talk to Val Birch while a crew member adjusts his outfit]
Dwight Ellison: Val Birch? This is my old friend Adrian Monk.
Val Birch: Adrian? Ooh, gym glass must have been hell with a name like that.
Adrian Monk: Yes, yes it was-
Val Birch: Are you nearly done or do you just like touching me?
Stagehand: Almost done.
Dwight Ellison: Adrian's here from San Francisco.
Val Birch: Oh, Frisco? God-awful town! I was there last year. It was foggy the whole week! When are they gonna do something about all that fog?
Adrian Monk: Well, I-I don't know. I'll make some calls.
Val Birch: I couldn't see a damn thing! Not even that, um, uh, golden bridge they've got.
Adrian Monk: The Golden Gate.
Val Birch: No, genius, the bridge.
Adrian Monk: Right, that's what they call it: the Golden Gate-
Val Birch: Okay, okay! Testing 1-2-3, we're done! [walks away]
Dwight Ellison: [to Monk] That idiot's won seven times in a row!

[Benjy turns on the tap and rusty colored water comes out]
Benjy Fleming: The water's all rusty!
Gail Fleming: Oh yeah, it always gets like that after an earthquake. Fortunately, I always keep some mineral water around for situations like this... Where's my water?
[She opens the cupboard under the sink, which is empty. Cuts to the bathroom, where Monk is soaking in the tub, surrounded by empty plastic bottles.]
Gail Fleming: [banging on the door] Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: Don't come in, I'm taking a bath.
Gail Fleming: With my mineral water?!
Adrian Monk: I tried the water from the tap, it was a little rusty.
Gail Fleming: Yeah well, enjoy that bath, it's costing me $95 dollars!
Adrian Monk: [oblivious to her sarcasm] Thank you!

[Capt. Stottlemeyer returns to his office to find Monk and Sharona waiting inside.]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was my office. Yeah, see, I-I'm confused because my name is on the door.
Adrian Monk: Don't... don't blame Sharona, Captain.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: I have no intention of blaming Sharona. [looks at his desk, which has been cleaned off] What happened here?
Adrian Monk: I took the liberty of straightening up a little.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Where is all my crap?
Adrian Monk: Obviously, I had to throw some things away.

[Captain Stottlemeyer comes out of the hearing, having failed to support Monk's reinstatement.]
Sharona Fleming: You son of a bitch.
Adrian Monk: I thought you were gonna do the right thing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I think I did do the right thing.
Sharona Fleming: He saves your ass all the time, and he never asks for anything in return. He closes case after case, and then he goes home and watches you on the news taking all the credit!
Captain Stottlemeyer: I wanted to recommend you, I tried to recommend you, but I just couldn't do it. Adrian, you are not ready to carry a gun. You're not ready to have other cops depend on you under fire. In your heart, you know you're not ready. [Monk walks off]
Sharona Fleming: At least your friend Adam Kirk has the decency to stab people in the front.

[Chilton is not happy with the office cubicle that Monk has been put in]
Chilton Handy: Mr. Kemp said I could have that cubicle.
Abby: What's the difference?
Chilton Handy: It's closer to the emergency exit. Statistically, it's a little safer.
Abby: Statistically, you're a little nuts! Why don't you double up on your medication and get back to work?

[Colmes refuses to support Monk's reinstatement since their sting didn't turn up any evidence against Salvatore.]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Let me tell you something. Adrian Monk may be afraid of germs, heights, elevators, and puppies... but you couldn't pack that man's lunch.
Agent Colmes: Ah, that's true. I've seen that man pack a lunch. He's insane.

[Dale is on the phone]
Man on phone: I'm sorry, Mr. Biederbeck, that's out of the question.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Hold on. Hold on. Now is it Danny or Daniel?
Man on phone: Danny, sir.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Fine, Danny. If you screw with me. I'll eat your heart on a stick. Now the SEC--
Man on phone: My boss is busy right now, sir.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: I know your boss is busy, Danny! I'm watching him. Tell him Dale Biederbeck wants an answer now, not later. Now! Is he in or out? If he's in, tell him to... clean his glasses. [At a conference on the TV, an aide whispers to a congressman and the congressman quickly removes his glasses and cleans them] Congratulate the congressman, he's just been reelected to a fifth term. [He chuckles, turns off his phone and reaches for a plate of corndogs] Oh, it's better than the Home Shopping Network. [Dr. Vezza takes the plate away from him]
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I'm not finished!
Dr. Christiaan Vezza: This stuff will kill you.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: I'm not gonna die. You won't let me, will you, Doctor?