Monk quotes
0 total quotesU.S. Postal Worker Tamil Swarma: The U.S. Post Office unwittingly became the Messenger of Evil. Who'd a thunk it?
Monk: Well put, Tamil.
Monk: Well put, Tamil.
Varla Davis: [Picks up piece of paper] "List of Adrian Monk's fears and phobias." Hmm... "Germs, Needles, Snakes, Heights, Milk, Cr..." MILK? You're afraid of milk?! My three-year-old nephew isn't even afraid of milk!
Adrian Monk: You must be very proud of him.
Varla Davis: Yes, I am proud of him, not because of that, but because he's normal. You're not anything near that!
Adrian Monk: You must be very proud of him.
Varla Davis: Yes, I am proud of him, not because of that, but because he's normal. You're not anything near that!
Warrick Tennyson: You were the husband?
Adrian Monk: I am the husband.
Warrick Tennyson: Forgive me.
Adrian Monk: Forgive you? This is me, turning off your morphine...
[Tennyson's eyes widen in horror]
Adrian Monk: ...and this is Trudy, the woman you killed, turning it back on.
Adrian Monk: I am the husband.
Warrick Tennyson: Forgive me.
Adrian Monk: Forgive you? This is me, turning off your morphine...
[Tennyson's eyes widen in horror]
Adrian Monk: ...and this is Trudy, the woman you killed, turning it back on.
[?Dirt-fearing Monk is standing a distance from the muddy car crash site on a plank.]
Sharona Fleming: Adrian! Don't you want a closer look?
Adrian Monk: No, I-I can see from here.
Sharona Fleming: Would you like us to move the crash site a little closer to you?
Sharona Fleming: Adrian! Don't you want a closer look?
Adrian Monk: No, I-I can see from here.
Sharona Fleming: Would you like us to move the crash site a little closer to you?
[about the "police officer" at a bachelorette party]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, he's not a real cop. He's a stripper.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Natalie Teeger: Didn't you see his badge? It says "Officer Feelgood."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, the guy's got dollar bills sticking out of his belt.
Adrian Monk: I thought he'd lost his wallet.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, he's not a real cop. He's a stripper.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Natalie Teeger: Didn't you see his badge? It says "Officer Feelgood."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, the guy's got dollar bills sticking out of his belt.
Adrian Monk: I thought he'd lost his wallet.
[Adrian and Sharona spy on van Ranken, rooting through the cherry pie]
Adrian Monk: He's looking for something. Sharona, that's why he tripped! He didn't want to win the race, he was trying to come in second, he wanted the pie!
Sharona Fleming: Why?
Adrian Monk: Well, obviously, he... [he trails off, and looks around the corner at van Ranken] You see, Sharona, what happened was... [he trails off again, and takes another look around the corner] I have no idea.
Adrian Monk: He's looking for something. Sharona, that's why he tripped! He didn't want to win the race, he was trying to come in second, he wanted the pie!
Sharona Fleming: Why?
Adrian Monk: Well, obviously, he... [he trails off, and looks around the corner at van Ranken] You see, Sharona, what happened was... [he trails off again, and takes another look around the corner] I have no idea.
[Adrian believes that the incriminating shell casing they are looking for is in van Ranken's pie]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Van Ranken, we would like permission to search your pie.
Pat van Ranken: What?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Please, don't make me say it again.
Pat van Ranken: And if I refuse?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Then we'll get a search warrant.
Pat van Ranken: For a pie?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Van Ranken, we would like permission to search your pie.
Pat van Ranken: What?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Please, don't make me say it again.
Pat van Ranken: And if I refuse?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Then we'll get a search warrant.
Pat van Ranken: For a pie?
[Adrian introduces Sharona to Ambrose]
Adrian Monk: This is my assistant, Sharona.
Ambrose Monk: Hello, we spoke on the phone.
Adrian Monk: Oh, so you can dial a telephone! I was worried. I thought you might be paralyzed, or something.
Ambrose Monk: I wasn't paralyzed.
Adrian Monk: I was being sarcastic.
Ambrose Monk: You were being sardonic. Sarcasm is a contemptuous ironic statement. You were being mockingly derisive. That's sardonic.
Adrian Monk: This is my assistant, Sharona.
Ambrose Monk: Hello, we spoke on the phone.
Adrian Monk: Oh, so you can dial a telephone! I was worried. I thought you might be paralyzed, or something.
Ambrose Monk: I wasn't paralyzed.
Adrian Monk: I was being sarcastic.
Ambrose Monk: You were being sardonic. Sarcasm is a contemptuous ironic statement. You were being mockingly derisive. That's sardonic.
[Adrian packs to stay overnight at Monica's after a murder in her garage.]
Sharona: I am not coming to get you in the middle of the night!
Monk: You won't have to get me -- I'm not a child, Sharona. [worriedly] Can't find my PJs!
Sharona: I am not coming to get you in the middle of the night!
Monk: You won't have to get me -- I'm not a child, Sharona. [worriedly] Can't find my PJs!
[after meeting Ambrose, Sharona hugs Adrian]
Adrian Monk: What's that for?
Sharona Fleming: For making my family seem normal.
Adrian Monk: What's that for?
Sharona Fleming: For making my family seem normal.
[After Monk breaks her car's headlight while driving, Sharona stops him from getting back behind the wheel.]
Sharona: I'm driving. When Hell freezes over, you can drive again. No -- you know what? Even if Hell freezes over, I'm still driving, because I don't want you driving on the ice! Get in the car!
Sharona: I'm driving. When Hell freezes over, you can drive again. No -- you know what? Even if Hell freezes over, I'm still driving, because I don't want you driving on the ice! Get in the car!
[After Monk has turned up, having been presumed dead]
Monk: [tortured] That officer outside told me I was dead. I'm not dead... am I?
Monk: [tortured] That officer outside told me I was dead. I'm not dead... am I?
[After Monk misses seeing his marathon idol, Tonday, because he was uninvitedly fixing someone's sweater...]
Monk: It was askew!
Sharona: So what? So what -- why can't you just let people be askew? I mean, what are you, the Askew Police?
Monk: Yes, I'm the Askew Police.
Monk: It was askew!
Sharona: So what? So what -- why can't you just let people be askew? I mean, what are you, the Askew Police?
Monk: Yes, I'm the Askew Police.
[after Randy offers to be Natalie's date to the wedding]
Natalie Teeger: Hey, is Greenberg still dating that parole officer?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, he married her.
Lt. Randall Disher: I have my own tux and everything.
Natalie Teeger: Ooh, ooh, what about that B-and-E suspect you brought in last week? He was kinda cute.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Not cute enough to make bail.
Natalie Teeger: Hey, is Greenberg still dating that parole officer?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, he married her.
Lt. Randall Disher: I have my own tux and everything.
Natalie Teeger: Ooh, ooh, what about that B-and-E suspect you brought in last week? He was kinda cute.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Not cute enough to make bail.