[Deputy Mayor Sheldon Burger comes in]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, Sheldon Burger, who let you off your leash?
Sheldon Burger: I just came from the hospital. Bodyguard didn't make it. Mayor's on his way back from Sacramento. Look, I don't have to tell you, Captain. We're on a bus to hell.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I understand.
Sheldon Burger: If we don't slam dunk this, it's gonna look like we're not trying.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm not an idiot, Sheldon! I've got every available man on the case.
Sheldon Burger: No, you don't. Mayor wants you to bring in... your old friend.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [in disbelief] Monk?

[Dexter finds the police at his house; Stottlemeyer, Monk and Sharona are waiting for him in his dining room]
Dexter Larsen: What the hell is going on? [Stottlemeyer gives him a search warrant]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Dexter Larsen, that's a warrant, duly sworn, authorizing us to search your house.
Bimbo: Dex, I tried to call you. They've been here an hour. They've been looking everywhere!
Dexter Larsen: Looking for what?
Adrian Monk: Looking... for proof that you killed Elliot D'Souza.
Dexter Larsen: Mr. Monk, are you serious? [notices that his Carvasia is lying on the dining room table] My Carvasia. I told you not to touch that!
Adrian Monk: Sorry, I'll get it. [He starts to grab for it]
Dexter Larsen: No! No! Don't touch it. I'll do it. It's very valuable. [He tries to pick it up off the table, but it doesn't budge; Sharona stares at Dexter oddly]
Sharona Fleming: Is there a problem?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What's wrong? Pick it up. Can't weigh more than fifteen pounds.
Dexter Larsen: All right. What did you do? Did you glue it down?
Adrian Monk: Excuse me, if I may. [He picks it up with ease] No, not glued. Your turn. [Dexter tries to pick it up again, but it is stuck to the table] We found it, Dexter.
Dexter Larsen: Found what?
Sharona Fleming: The magnet that you built. [Stottlemeyer moves aside a dining table chair, revealing that Randy is holding a large magnet to the underside of the table]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, you can come out now, unless you're enjoying yourself down there. [Randy gets up, carrying the large magnet with him]
Dexter Larsen: What's this supposed to be?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What, you don't recognize that? We found it in your workshop. It had fingerprints all over it. [to Monk] Go ahead.

[Disher comes into Stottlemeyer's office]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You just missed the deputy commissioner. Guess what he wanted to talk about? Murder rates spiking? The Sidney Teal investigation? No, all he wanted to know was what we're doing about the runaway cop.
Lt. Randall Disher: Fraidy Cop. [drops a newspaper on Stottlemeyer's desk; camera focuses on an article that is headlined "Who is Fraidy Cop?"]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Excuse me?
Lt. Randall Disher: That's what they're calling him. [Stottlemeyer scruitinizes the article] We, uh, sort of pieced together the route he took. [He walks over to a blown up street map of San Francisco, and sighs wearily] I don't know. Okay. [He pulls out a few pushpins] After the shooting, three people saw him running west towards the park here, and on 19th, here, [Inserts a pushpin into an intersection] he flagged down a taxi.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He took a taxi?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, it gets worse. He, uh, threw up in the backseat. But we did get his blood type from the vomit. The taxi then, uh, dropped him off at a bar up on Geary Street... [inserts another pushpin on the map] ...there, where he sat in a booth at the back, apparently drinking bourbon and crying.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He was crying? Oh, dear Lord.
Lt. Randall Disher: About midnight, an older woman in a brown station wagon was seen picking him up. Possibly his mother.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He called his mom?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, that son-of-a-bitch better hope I don't find him first. [He looks at the cartographic sketch of Fraidy Cop]

[Disher has shown up at Kathy Willowby's cabin, having been lured here by Chinese hitmen]
Adrian Monk: Lieutenant, this was handmade. See the edge? It was cut with scissors.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, did you just drive up here?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, so? [Stottlemeyer looks outside and sees that he is in the center of a sniper's rifle scope]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Get down!
[The hit men open fire, and Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer, Disher, Deputy Coby and Kathy Willowby take cover]
Deputy Paul Coby: Where are they?
Captain Stottlemeyer:' There's at least two! One behind the canoes!
Deputy Paul Coby: Who the hell are they?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hit men from San Francisco!
Natalie Teeger: THEY'RE HERE TO KILL MONK!
Kathy Willowby: Good!
[As the two hit men continue to fire on the cabin, Monk puts Kathy's radio on the table, and notices scorch marks with the shape of an electric cord that run from the electric outlet to the bathtub, while Randy examines his fortunes]
Monk and Disher: [simultaneously] Oh my God, I've got it! Here's what happened! [Monk and Disher start giving their summations simultaneously (Monk about how Kathy Willowby killed her husband Martin and made it look like an accident, and Randy about his girlfriend's relationship), with the camera jumping back and forth between each summation. Randy is shown in a bar when Hayley "accidentally" spills her drink on his lap]
Lt. Randall Disher: We met by accident! I can see it now. God I'm such an idiot! [switches to Kathy electrocuting Martin in the bathtub]
Adrian Monk: ...She dropped the radio into the tub while he was bathing. She needed it to look like an act of God to collect the extra insurance, but... [switches to Randy's fortunes being prepared separately in the kitchen]
Lt. Randall Disher: ...Maybe I believed them because I wanted to believe them. All of those fortunes were printed in advance just for me! [switches to Kathy pouring ice over Martin's body]
Adrian Monk: She had to preserve the body until the storm came!
Natalie Teeger: That's why she bought all those bags of ice.
[flashbacks end]
Deputy Coby: My head is spinning. Which one are you listening to?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Neither one. [A bullet shatters one of the vases behind them]
Lt. Randall Disher: All they had to do was send me a fake IRS check!
Adrian Monk: [at the same time] She froze the body so that the coroner would never be able to determine the right time of death! [A flashback showing a Chinese driver in the garbage truck that nearly ran Randy down is played]
Lt. Randall Disher: The first fortune predicted that I would be save by a dirty death, which is exactly what happened when I left the restaurant. [switches to Kathy putting Martin's body in the boat and creating fake scorch marks]
Adrian Monk: Last night during the storm, she put her husband in the boat, then cut it loose, waited a few hours, and then reported it as an accident.
Lt. Randall Disher: Now I have to go back and arrest my girlfriend for conspiracy and attempted murder. She probably broke up with me.
[Outside, Agent Grooms crawls behind one of the canoes and pops up, taking the hit man in front of him by surprise]
Agent Grooms: FBI! Freeze! [He shoots and kills the first thug. The other thug comes over, preparing to shoot Grooms (who is checking the first goon), but Stottlemeyer is ready to take out the second goon]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Grooms! [He shoots and kills the second goon] A little vacation, huh? [Grooms scorches daggers at Stottlemeyer. Inside the cabin, a shaken Kathy stands up]
Kathy Willowby: Is it over?
Deputy Paul Coby: Not for you. I'm gonna order a full autopsy on Martin's body; they'll know if it was lightning or electrocution. [He leads her house of the house while Monk, Natalie and Randy get up]
Lt. Randall Disher: [to Monk and Natalie] So what the hell happened here?
Natalie Teeger: She electrocuted her husband!
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, looks like we've all had a pretty full day: you guys solved a homicide, and I led those two hit men into our trap.
(After hearing a car)

[Disher is tuning up Stottlemeyer's guitar]
Lt. Randall Disher: I used to have a rock band back in high school. The Randy Disher Project.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's a good name. How'd you come up with that?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, my name's Randy... Disher, and then... Project.

[Disher tells Natalie that Monk has been found in Wyoming, where a trucker dropped him off.]
Natalie: Are they sure it's really him?
Lt. Disher: The trucker gave him a five dollar bill, the guy kept smoothing it out.
Natalie: He's alive!

[Disher tests some lasagna Whitman brought in]
Lt. Randall Disher: A little too much oregano, but it's not poisoned.
Jack Whitman: That's what every cook likes to hear.

[Disher walks into Stottlemeyer's office while Stottlemeyer does work on his laptop]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain, I have a thought. [Stottlemeyer doesn't look up, and waves his fingers] About paperboy. [Stottlemeyer continues gesturing with his fingers]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: This means "hurry up".
Lt. Randall Disher: It was a burglary; the paperboy interrupted a B&E in progress. It fits: there were five break-ins on that block last year alone.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [stands up] Nope. I already looked into that. All of those break-ins were hot prowlers - forced entry with a crowbar.
Lt. Randall Disher: Right.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Our guy was empty-handed.
Lt. Randall Disher: What about a car thief?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, that doesn't explain the taking of the newspapers, doesn't it? [He puts on his overcoat]
Lt. Randall Disher: Right. So we're back to Monk's theory?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm afraid so. [shows Randy the door] And this means "we're leaving".

[Dr. Kroger is at Monk's apartment because Sharona left Darwin loose with Monk.]
Dr. Charles Kroger: I can see your space has been violated, and I think you're handling it very well. I'm proud of you. How do you feel?
Adrian Monk: [high-pitched voice] I'm fine. These things happen, what can you do?
Dr. Charles Kroger: Exactly, exactly. These are all just material objects. You can always replace anything that he breaks, or chews, or... [sees] pees on.
Adrian Monk: Chews or pees on... Chews or pees on...

[Dr. Lancaster tells Sharona about how Monk's condition has "deteriorated"]
Dr. Morris Lancaster: If anything, his behavior has deteriorated. We may have to keep him here longer than we thought.
Sharona Fleming: Well, how much longer?
Dr. Morris Lancaster: That's hard to say. It could be a month.
Sharona Fleming: A month? [They examine Monk, standing out in the garden]
Dr. Morris Lancaster: It could be as long as a year. Adrian is bipolar. He's delusional and he's paranoid. He sees murder mysteries everywhere he turns. In fact, he's befriended another patient, and the two of them are trying to prove that Santa Claus really does exist.
Sharona Fleming: Santa Claus?
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Mm-hmm. They went out on the roof collecting evidence. It would be funny if it wasn't so... dysfunctional. [Dr. Lancaster and Sharona meet Monk] Adrian, look who's here.
Sharona Fleming: Hey, boss. How you feelin'?
Adrian Monk: Ah, I feel good. I can't-I can't wait to go home.
Sharona Fleming: Well, we were just talking about that.
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Adrian, would you mind if I showed your friend some of the artwork that you made yesterday? [He shows some artwork] Oh, here it is. Wait a minute. [shows them a disturbed image of Trudy's grave]
Adrian Monk: Did I draw that?
Dr. Morris Lancaster: You don't remember? Isn't that Trudy's grave?
Sharona Fleming: Um, Dr. Lancaster said that you saw Santa Claus.
Adrian Monk: [scoffs] No, we didn't actually see him. Manny took a picture, but he lost the camera. But we found a piece of a red suit.
Dr. Morris Lancaster: We'd love to see it, Adrian.
[Monk looks through his pockets for the piece of Santa fabric that he found, but he can't find it]
Adrian Monk: It was here. It was in here. A little piece of fabric, you know, of Santa's-Santa's, you know, suit. Okay, no, no. It was a piece of... fabric, and...
Sharona Fleming: Doctor? Can I talk to you privately?
Adrian Monk: Like... Santa's tuis.
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Sure. [He and Sharona walk away]
Sharona Fleming: He's not himself. He needs me. Look, I could be here two, three times a week, okay? I still have my license. Maybe they can give me a job here.
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Sharona, I know you mean well, but the less contact Adrian has with his old life, the better. You can write him a letter. You can bring him something from home. I'm sure he'd like that, but no visits.
[Sharona approaches Monk, who is now looking under his bed]
Sharona Fleming: Look, Adrian. I-listen, I-I can't take you home right now.
Adrian Monk: Sharona, look at his shoes, just look at his shoes. They're smudged. Could be soot. Those are boat shoes. They're made for traction. And I think, he has been walking on the roof.

[During a blackout]
Monk: [groans]
Sharona: Benjy, hold his hand.
Benjy: Ow! He's squeezing it!
Sharona: Let him squeeze it.
Monk: When will it be over?
Sharona: Adrian, calm down, they're working on it now, it won't be long.
Monk: When will it be over?
Sharona: I'm telling you, I don't know, they're working on it.
Monk: When will it be over?!
Benjy: Make him stop!
[The lights come back on]
Sharona: See? I told you.
Monk: I didn't know when it would be over.
Sharona: So I heard.

[During the game]
Roddy Lankman: The next question, for $1,500: Which monarch is sometimes known as the Tragic Queen? Was it: A) Queen Elizabeth, B) Marie Antoinette, C) Catherine the Great- [He is cut off when Birch buzzes in]
Val Birch: B: Mary Ann Tonette.
Roddy Lankman: Uh, that is correct: Marie Antoinette.

[during yet another blackout]
Adrian Monk: [stumbles and hits something] I cannot find my night-vision goggles. There is a fatal flaw in the night-vision goggle plan!

[Entering his store, Harold receives a call on his cell phone]
Harold Gumbal: [answering] Yes?
Eddie Dial: [on the phone] How's it going, Harold?
Harold Gumbal: I'm in, I'm doing it.
Eddie Dial: Friendly reminder: don't be a hero. When we hear a police siren, Peggy's dead.
Harold Gumbal: Is she okay? Can I talk to her?
Eddie Dial: Just hurry up!
Harold Gumbal: No let me just talk to her! [Dial hangs up] Hello? [As Dial and his partner Vic Blanchard wait patiently in their Ford Taurus parked out front, Harold unlocks his safe and fills two bags with his most valuable inventory, including emptyig a safe. When he's done, he leaves the store and carries the jewels out to the car]
Vic Blanchard: Backseat. [Harold hands the jewels to Blanchard, sitting in the backseat with the dog]
Harold Gumbal: Let her go! You said you would! [Blanchard hands the dog through the window to Harold]
Vic Blanchard: Pleasure doin' business with you. Thanks for the car, Harold.
Harold Gumbal: [to Peggy] Come here, Peggy. [The mall security guard notices them]
Security Guard: Harold! Everything all right?
Harold Gumbal: Paul? Everything's okay, I'm all right, no problem! [The guard notices that Blanchard and Dial are wearing ski masks]
Security Guard: Get out of the car! Both of you! [draws his gun] Do it! [Dial takes his hands off the steering wheel. After a few moments, Blanchard opens his door]
Vic Blanchard: Okay! [takes off his mask] Happy Halloween, man. Just relax. [Blanchard draws his revolver and shoots the guard dead with three shots at long range]
Eddie Dial: What did you do?!
Vic Blanchard: No choice! They want me.
Eddie Dial: We could've just driven off! Get in the car! [Blanchard gets back into the car and closes the door]
Harold Gumbal: [cowering and shielding Peggy] I didn't see any car! I didn't see your face! Neither did Peggy!
Vic Blanchard: I'm not done. [Draws his revolver and points it at Harold]
Harold Gumbal: No! [Blanchard shoots Harold in the chest, and he falls to the ground. Peggy runs off]

[explaining what happened, hoarsely, as he hasn't drank any water in days]
Adrian Monk: He was a thirsty victim...
Sharona Fleming: Adrian.
Adrian Monk: I mean, the perfect victim.