Monk quotes
0 total quotes[FBI agent Colmes wants Monk to wear a wire into a meeting with mob kingpin Salvatore Lucarelli]
Adrian Monk: Okay, okay. Here's the thing: I can't have anything taped to my chest.
Agent Colmes: Ah, that's fine. Come here, I'll... let me show you this. Ah, you see, these days... [pulls out a piece of paper] We can put a transmitter just about anywhere on the human body. You have six options.
[Monk and Sharona examine the list, with Disher and Stottlemeyer looking over their shoulders.]
Adrian Monk: Number One... is out. Number Two... uh, you-you wouldn't actually shave me there, would you? [Colmes nods.] Okay... no thank you. Number Three...
Sharona Fleming: What if you had to sit down?
Adrian Monk: Right. Good point. Number Four... [slowly looks up at Colmes, then turns to Sharona] Even if I die, don't let them do Number Four.
Lt. Randall Disher: Number Five.
Adrian Monk: I'll do... okay. I'll do it. I'll try that.
Sharona Fleming: That's only for women!
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh! Right.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah. Ah, Number Six... Number Six. I'll... I can do that.
Agent Colmes: Number Six? Great.
Adrian Monk: Not Four.
Adrian Monk: Okay, okay. Here's the thing: I can't have anything taped to my chest.
Agent Colmes: Ah, that's fine. Come here, I'll... let me show you this. Ah, you see, these days... [pulls out a piece of paper] We can put a transmitter just about anywhere on the human body. You have six options.
[Monk and Sharona examine the list, with Disher and Stottlemeyer looking over their shoulders.]
Adrian Monk: Number One... is out. Number Two... uh, you-you wouldn't actually shave me there, would you? [Colmes nods.] Okay... no thank you. Number Three...
Sharona Fleming: What if you had to sit down?
Adrian Monk: Right. Good point. Number Four... [slowly looks up at Colmes, then turns to Sharona] Even if I die, don't let them do Number Four.
Lt. Randall Disher: Number Five.
Adrian Monk: I'll do... okay. I'll do it. I'll try that.
Sharona Fleming: That's only for women!
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh! Right.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah. Ah, Number Six... Number Six. I'll... I can do that.
Agent Colmes: Number Six? Great.
Adrian Monk: Not Four.
[first lines; Lizzie Talvo is showing an old tape of a Treasure Chest game to her boss]
Roddy Lankman: Doesn't prove anything.
Lizzie Talvo: It proves everything and you know that! Do you wanna see it again?!
Roddy Lankman: No thanks, I hate watching myself on TV.
Lizzie Talvo: Roddy, why did you do it?
Roddy Lankman: You ever been in debt, Lizzie? And I mean real debt. It changes everything.
Lizzie Talvo: That's no excuse. [goes to her dining room with the VHS tape, which she puts into an envelope and addresses to Dwight Ellison]
Roddy Lankman: What are you doing?
Lizzie Talvo: The right thing!
Roddy Lankman: Look, Lizzie, if this is your way of asking for a raise, it worked! Hey, how much do you want?
Lizzie Talvo: I don't want money, Roddy, I'm not you.
Roddy Lankman: All right, you don't want money. Whaddaya want?
Lizzie Talvo: I want to be able to sleep at night. I want to be able to be proud of the show the way I used to be!
Roddy Lankman: Doesn't prove anything.
Lizzie Talvo: It proves everything and you know that! Do you wanna see it again?!
Roddy Lankman: No thanks, I hate watching myself on TV.
Lizzie Talvo: Roddy, why did you do it?
Roddy Lankman: You ever been in debt, Lizzie? And I mean real debt. It changes everything.
Lizzie Talvo: That's no excuse. [goes to her dining room with the VHS tape, which she puts into an envelope and addresses to Dwight Ellison]
Roddy Lankman: What are you doing?
Lizzie Talvo: The right thing!
Roddy Lankman: Look, Lizzie, if this is your way of asking for a raise, it worked! Hey, how much do you want?
Lizzie Talvo: I don't want money, Roddy, I'm not you.
Roddy Lankman: All right, you don't want money. Whaddaya want?
Lizzie Talvo: I want to be able to sleep at night. I want to be able to be proud of the show the way I used to be!
[First lines; Monk and Sharona are watching Gail's performance]
Sharona Fleming: What do you think so far?
Adrian Monk: There's no legroom. It's so crowded.
Sharona Fleming: It's supposed to be crowded. It's sold out. You know, this play is going to New York. Can you believe it? My sister in an off-Broadway show?
Adrian Monk: So where is she?
Sharona Fleming: She's in the next scene. She kills a guy.
Adrian Monk: I hope it's the guy who designed these seats. [Gail enters]
Sharona Fleming: There she is. [From behind another door on stage, another actor, Hal Duncan, swings the door shut]
Hal Duncan: [as Bert] Hey, cuz. You miss me? [He picks up an apple and tosses it from hand to hand] Hope you don't mind. I let myself in.
Gail Fleming: But you're supposed to be in jail!
Hal Duncan: It's funny that phrase, �supposed to be��. I'm "supposed to be" in jail, you're "supposed to be" waiting for me! [He makes air quotes with his fingers when saying "supposed to be"] A man can't count on �supposed to be�� the way he used to.
Gail Fleming: You know, my husband's upstairs! If he hears you he'll come down-
Hal Duncan: Your husband's downtown drowning himself in scotch and soda! I saw him leave about an hour ago.
[Hal fusses with Gail's blouse]
Gail Fleming: I've got some money in my purse! Why don't you just take it and go?
Hal Duncan: You think I want your pocket change?! You think that's why I came back?! [Hal overturns the table, spilling all of its contents on the stage. Gail screams and secretly pulls out a knife]
Hal Duncan: Who ordered the tossed salad? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I came back for what's mine.
Gail Fleming: You know, if you don't leave, I'll--
Hal Duncan: You'll what? Huh? You'll do nothin'! [takes a bite of the apple he is holding] Like I said, I'm here for what's mine! [Gail stabs Hal with the prop knife. Hal screams, and staggers across the stage, obviously having a seizure]
Gail Fleming: Hal, are you okay? [Hal falls on the floor and starts having convulsions] Hal? Hal?
Sharona Fleming: What do you think so far?
Adrian Monk: There's no legroom. It's so crowded.
Sharona Fleming: It's supposed to be crowded. It's sold out. You know, this play is going to New York. Can you believe it? My sister in an off-Broadway show?
Adrian Monk: So where is she?
Sharona Fleming: She's in the next scene. She kills a guy.
Adrian Monk: I hope it's the guy who designed these seats. [Gail enters]
Sharona Fleming: There she is. [From behind another door on stage, another actor, Hal Duncan, swings the door shut]
Hal Duncan: [as Bert] Hey, cuz. You miss me? [He picks up an apple and tosses it from hand to hand] Hope you don't mind. I let myself in.
Gail Fleming: But you're supposed to be in jail!
Hal Duncan: It's funny that phrase, �supposed to be��. I'm "supposed to be" in jail, you're "supposed to be" waiting for me! [He makes air quotes with his fingers when saying "supposed to be"] A man can't count on �supposed to be�� the way he used to.
Gail Fleming: You know, my husband's upstairs! If he hears you he'll come down-
Hal Duncan: Your husband's downtown drowning himself in scotch and soda! I saw him leave about an hour ago.
[Hal fusses with Gail's blouse]
Gail Fleming: I've got some money in my purse! Why don't you just take it and go?
Hal Duncan: You think I want your pocket change?! You think that's why I came back?! [Hal overturns the table, spilling all of its contents on the stage. Gail screams and secretly pulls out a knife]
Hal Duncan: Who ordered the tossed salad? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I came back for what's mine.
Gail Fleming: You know, if you don't leave, I'll--
Hal Duncan: You'll what? Huh? You'll do nothin'! [takes a bite of the apple he is holding] Like I said, I'm here for what's mine! [Gail stabs Hal with the prop knife. Hal screams, and staggers across the stage, obviously having a seizure]
Gail Fleming: Hal, are you okay? [Hal falls on the floor and starts having convulsions] Hal? Hal?
[first lines]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Dwayne, don't yank my chain.
Dwayne: Look, I told you, I haven't seen him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's your cousin, he's your best friend.
Dwayne: Yeah, and I don't know where he is!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Dwayne, do I look like an idiot to you?
Dwayne: Yeah, you sort of do. [Stottlemeyer raises an eyebrow]
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, that's a mistake... you don't want to make him angry. I made him angry once, and you don't want to do that... [Brian Babbage drives up, and repeatedly rams his car into Stottlemeyer's vehicle. As soon as he pulls up ahead of the hood of the car, he lowers the window and says]
Brian Babbage: Hey, cop! Kiss my ass! [Brian gives them the finger, then floors on the gas pedal]
Captain Stottlemeyer: [to his suspect] Don't move! [Dwayne takes off as Stottlemeyer and Disher jump into their car and prepare to chase Brian]
Lt. Randall Disher: Can I be honest with you, sir? [Stottlemeyer activates the dashboard light and grabs his radio]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [into radio] All units, clear the air, we're in pursuit of a hit-and-run. He's eastbound on Union.
Lt. Randall Disher: [excited] This is my first car chase! I've been waiting for this my whole life! [A pickup truck immediately T-bones Brian's car and sends it crashing into another vehicle. Stottlemeyer nonchalantly unbuckles his seatbelt and turns off the dashboard light]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Chase over. What'd you think? [Randy looks at the wreckage, dumbstruck]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Dwayne, don't yank my chain.
Dwayne: Look, I told you, I haven't seen him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's your cousin, he's your best friend.
Dwayne: Yeah, and I don't know where he is!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Dwayne, do I look like an idiot to you?
Dwayne: Yeah, you sort of do. [Stottlemeyer raises an eyebrow]
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, that's a mistake... you don't want to make him angry. I made him angry once, and you don't want to do that... [Brian Babbage drives up, and repeatedly rams his car into Stottlemeyer's vehicle. As soon as he pulls up ahead of the hood of the car, he lowers the window and says]
Brian Babbage: Hey, cop! Kiss my ass! [Brian gives them the finger, then floors on the gas pedal]
Captain Stottlemeyer: [to his suspect] Don't move! [Dwayne takes off as Stottlemeyer and Disher jump into their car and prepare to chase Brian]
Lt. Randall Disher: Can I be honest with you, sir? [Stottlemeyer activates the dashboard light and grabs his radio]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [into radio] All units, clear the air, we're in pursuit of a hit-and-run. He's eastbound on Union.
Lt. Randall Disher: [excited] This is my first car chase! I've been waiting for this my whole life! [A pickup truck immediately T-bones Brian's car and sends it crashing into another vehicle. Stottlemeyer nonchalantly unbuckles his seatbelt and turns off the dashboard light]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Chase over. What'd you think? [Randy looks at the wreckage, dumbstruck]
[first lines]
[A biker, Dewey Albert, comes out of a store but finds a police officer and undercover cop waiting by his Softtail motorcycle]
Dewey Albert: Aw, man!
Officer Cooper: Hi Dewey. Did you miss me?
Dewey Albert: [to the undercover cop sitting on the bike] Come on, get off the bike. Arrest me, do whatever you want with me, just don't touch the bike!
Officer Cooper: You skipped out on your hearing yesterday; made our Captain very very angry.
Dewey Albert: Well you can tell Stottlemeyer he can kiss my ass.
Undercover Cop: You can tell him yourself; he'll be here any second.
Officer Cooper: Come on, you know the routine, put your hands on the car. [Dewey obeys and Cooper tries to handcuff him]
Dewey Albert: Have you guys got anything better to do?
[A light blue Toyota Corolla pulls up to the nearby intersection. Upon seeing the cops, the driver - whose face is kept hidden - pulls a Springfield 1911 handgun out of the glove compartment and aims it out the passenger's side window]
Dewey Albert: Get off my bike.
Undercover Cop: You know I think I'll take it for a ride.
Dewey Albert: Don't do that, hey. [he tries to move but Cooper restrains him. Stottlemeyer and Disher pull up in their own car]
Undercover Cop: What is this, a vintage Softtail? 80 incher? I've always wanted to ride one of these.
[The driver of the Corolla checks the slide as Stottlemeyer and Disher get out of their car]
Lt. Randall Disher: Hey Coop. This guy giving you any trouble? [A gunshot is heard and the driver's window on Stottlemeyer's unit shatters. The cops duck behind the patrol cars, shouting to each other as the driver continues to fire at them and speeds away]
[A biker, Dewey Albert, comes out of a store but finds a police officer and undercover cop waiting by his Softtail motorcycle]
Dewey Albert: Aw, man!
Officer Cooper: Hi Dewey. Did you miss me?
Dewey Albert: [to the undercover cop sitting on the bike] Come on, get off the bike. Arrest me, do whatever you want with me, just don't touch the bike!
Officer Cooper: You skipped out on your hearing yesterday; made our Captain very very angry.
Dewey Albert: Well you can tell Stottlemeyer he can kiss my ass.
Undercover Cop: You can tell him yourself; he'll be here any second.
Officer Cooper: Come on, you know the routine, put your hands on the car. [Dewey obeys and Cooper tries to handcuff him]
Dewey Albert: Have you guys got anything better to do?
[A light blue Toyota Corolla pulls up to the nearby intersection. Upon seeing the cops, the driver - whose face is kept hidden - pulls a Springfield 1911 handgun out of the glove compartment and aims it out the passenger's side window]
Dewey Albert: Get off my bike.
Undercover Cop: You know I think I'll take it for a ride.
Dewey Albert: Don't do that, hey. [he tries to move but Cooper restrains him. Stottlemeyer and Disher pull up in their own car]
Undercover Cop: What is this, a vintage Softtail? 80 incher? I've always wanted to ride one of these.
[The driver of the Corolla checks the slide as Stottlemeyer and Disher get out of their car]
Lt. Randall Disher: Hey Coop. This guy giving you any trouble? [A gunshot is heard and the driver's window on Stottlemeyer's unit shatters. The cops duck behind the patrol cars, shouting to each other as the driver continues to fire at them and speeds away]
[first lines]
[A call comes in to the 911 dispatch center]
911 Operator: 911 emergency.
Judge Lavinio's voice: Oh, God! He's in the house. You've got to help me! He's going to kill me!
911 Operator: Okay, ma'am, now just calm down. Who is in the house?
Judge Lavinio's voice: It's Dale Biederbeck! Dale Biederbeck!
911 Operator: [types] "Dale... Biederbeck." Ma'am what is your address?
Judge Lavinio's voice: It's 415 Vinton! For God's sakes, hurry!
911 Operator: Okay, stay with me. Is he armed? Ma'am? [heavy breathing is heard on the phone] Does he have a weapon? Are you being threatened?
Judge Lavinio's voice: He doesn't need a weapon! He's Dale Biederbeck! [growling is heard on the line as a dispatch call is broadcast]
911 Operator #2: All units, possible 556 in progress.
911 Operator #1: Ma'am, can you get to a safe place?
Judge Lavinio's voice: No, I'm upstairs! I'm trapped!
911 Operator: Okay, ma'am. Just stay by the phone.
Judge Lavinio's voice: Here he comes! Oh, my God! [screams, and the line disconnects]
[A call comes in to the 911 dispatch center]
911 Operator: 911 emergency.
Judge Lavinio's voice: Oh, God! He's in the house. You've got to help me! He's going to kill me!
911 Operator: Okay, ma'am, now just calm down. Who is in the house?
Judge Lavinio's voice: It's Dale Biederbeck! Dale Biederbeck!
911 Operator: [types] "Dale... Biederbeck." Ma'am what is your address?
Judge Lavinio's voice: It's 415 Vinton! For God's sakes, hurry!
911 Operator: Okay, stay with me. Is he armed? Ma'am? [heavy breathing is heard on the phone] Does he have a weapon? Are you being threatened?
Judge Lavinio's voice: He doesn't need a weapon! He's Dale Biederbeck! [growling is heard on the line as a dispatch call is broadcast]
911 Operator #2: All units, possible 556 in progress.
911 Operator #1: Ma'am, can you get to a safe place?
Judge Lavinio's voice: No, I'm upstairs! I'm trapped!
911 Operator: Okay, ma'am. Just stay by the phone.
Judge Lavinio's voice: Here he comes! Oh, my God! [screams, and the line disconnects]
[first time line is spoken in the series]
Sharona: So you remember how many empty boxes you saw?
Monk: Yes. It's a blessing, and a curse. Now don't ever take my shoes again!
Sharona: So you remember how many empty boxes you saw?
Monk: Yes. It's a blessing, and a curse. Now don't ever take my shoes again!
[In Daniel Thorn's private elevator, Monk throws a scarf around Natalie's neck.]
Natalie: What're you doing?
Monk: We're reenacting the crime. You're the victim.
Natalie: Wh-what if the elevator starts up?! It'll get caught again!
Monk: It's not going to get caught.
Natalie: W-- Then you be the victim!
Monk: N-n-n-n-no! Uh, Sharona was always the victim.
Natalie: I'm sure she was.
...
Monk: We have a system! It's a good system. There's an old saying: Don't... change... anything... ever.
Natalie: That's an old saying?
Monk: I've been saying it for years.
Natalie: What're you doing?
Monk: We're reenacting the crime. You're the victim.
Natalie: Wh-what if the elevator starts up?! It'll get caught again!
Monk: It's not going to get caught.
Natalie: W-- Then you be the victim!
Monk: N-n-n-n-no! Uh, Sharona was always the victim.
Natalie: I'm sure she was.
...
Monk: We have a system! It's a good system. There's an old saying: Don't... change... anything... ever.
Natalie: That's an old saying?
Monk: I've been saying it for years.
[In dead perp Brian Lemmon's pocket, Monk finds a note]
Adrian Monk: "2:30 Sea of Tranquility." What is that? A club?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, I don't think so. Who'd want to go to a club called the Sea of Tranquility? Besides you.
Adrian Monk: "2:30 Sea of Tranquility." What is that? A club?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, I don't think so. Who'd want to go to a club called the Sea of Tranquility? Besides you.
[In John Ricca's apartment]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to an officer] Get a list of tenants. Start knocking on doors. [Randy comes in, awestruck] Lieutenant, I thought you had the perimeter. [Randy starts pointing at various Sonny Chow movie posters in the living room]
Lt. Randall Disher: Fist of the Cobra, 1975. I've got that same poster in my room. [points at another poster behind the TV] Oh look at this! It's from Ten Fingers of Doom. He broke his arm doing that stunt, but he still finished the scene, though. [squats in front of the TV and finds a VHS tape] Oh my God!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What?
Lt. Randall Disher: He's got a bootleg copy of Enter the Cobra. Can I have it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No you can't have it, Detective! This is a crime scene!
Lt. Randall Disher: Let's watch it. [starts to put it into the VCR, but stops and reconsiders it] Okay. Sir, I have a theory on this: this guy John Ricca. He's published a book on Sonny Chow, right?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Right.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well it was a real hatchet-job, I mean it made the Cobra look terrible.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The Cobra?
Lt. Randall Disher: Sonny Chow. Maybe we should be looking for a Sonny Chow fan. I mean they all hated the book, and most of them? Pretty nuts. I mean, I've seen the conventions all the time and they were real fanatics. [Monk and Natalie come in and step over the body to join Stottlemeyer and Disher]
Adrian Monk: Captain?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, thank you for coming. [adknowledges Natalie] Miss Teeger. I assume they filled you in downstairs.
Adrian Monk: More or less. How did he enter the building?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He broke in through a door on the roof around 4:00 AM, but get this: when he left after the murder, he took the elevator down and ran out.
Adrian Monk: He didn't mind being seen?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No.
Natalie Teeger: Was he really killed with nunchucks?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, check this out. [walks in with an evidence bag containing the death nunchucks] Gold-plated. Look at those insignias. Sonny purchased ones like these in Ninja Fury.
Adrian Monk: The killer left these behind?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, they either belonged to the killer or to the victim. I mean, he was writing a book on all this crap. [An officer hands a VHS tape to Stottlemeyer]
Police Officer: Captain, here's the videotape you wanted.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ah, thank you. [plugs it into the VCR] Elevator B, at... 4:07. Let's have a look. [He presses play. A grainy image of the ninja getting on the elevator is seen]
Natalie Teeger: You can't even see his face!
Lt. Randall Disher: He looks like the Cobra. Sonny wore a uniform just like that in Kung-Fu Assassin.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sonny Chow is dead. [walks back into the other room, where the medical examiner is standing over Ricca's body] Doctor, give me a good note.
Medical Examiner: He was clutching some hair. He must have grabbed it off the killer's head. That means we have a shot at some DNA.
Adrian Monk: How could he grab any hair? We just saw the tape. The intruder was wearing a hood.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well it could have fallen off during the fight.
Medical Examiner: Because we hit her. The victim wrote you a note. [Under Ricca's right hand is the word "OW," written in blood. Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher all squat to examine it]
Lt. Randall Disher: "OW"? Why would anybody write "OW"? Usually, that's something you'd say. [Monk moves Ricca's arm aside, revealing the whole word: "CHOW"] Oh my God. Chow's alive. Sir, the rumors are true: he's been hiding out overseas just waiting for a time to make a comeback.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to an officer] Get a list of tenants. Start knocking on doors. [Randy comes in, awestruck] Lieutenant, I thought you had the perimeter. [Randy starts pointing at various Sonny Chow movie posters in the living room]
Lt. Randall Disher: Fist of the Cobra, 1975. I've got that same poster in my room. [points at another poster behind the TV] Oh look at this! It's from Ten Fingers of Doom. He broke his arm doing that stunt, but he still finished the scene, though. [squats in front of the TV and finds a VHS tape] Oh my God!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What?
Lt. Randall Disher: He's got a bootleg copy of Enter the Cobra. Can I have it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No you can't have it, Detective! This is a crime scene!
Lt. Randall Disher: Let's watch it. [starts to put it into the VCR, but stops and reconsiders it] Okay. Sir, I have a theory on this: this guy John Ricca. He's published a book on Sonny Chow, right?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Right.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well it was a real hatchet-job, I mean it made the Cobra look terrible.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The Cobra?
Lt. Randall Disher: Sonny Chow. Maybe we should be looking for a Sonny Chow fan. I mean they all hated the book, and most of them? Pretty nuts. I mean, I've seen the conventions all the time and they were real fanatics. [Monk and Natalie come in and step over the body to join Stottlemeyer and Disher]
Adrian Monk: Captain?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, thank you for coming. [adknowledges Natalie] Miss Teeger. I assume they filled you in downstairs.
Adrian Monk: More or less. How did he enter the building?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He broke in through a door on the roof around 4:00 AM, but get this: when he left after the murder, he took the elevator down and ran out.
Adrian Monk: He didn't mind being seen?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No.
Natalie Teeger: Was he really killed with nunchucks?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, check this out. [walks in with an evidence bag containing the death nunchucks] Gold-plated. Look at those insignias. Sonny purchased ones like these in Ninja Fury.
Adrian Monk: The killer left these behind?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, they either belonged to the killer or to the victim. I mean, he was writing a book on all this crap. [An officer hands a VHS tape to Stottlemeyer]
Police Officer: Captain, here's the videotape you wanted.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ah, thank you. [plugs it into the VCR] Elevator B, at... 4:07. Let's have a look. [He presses play. A grainy image of the ninja getting on the elevator is seen]
Natalie Teeger: You can't even see his face!
Lt. Randall Disher: He looks like the Cobra. Sonny wore a uniform just like that in Kung-Fu Assassin.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sonny Chow is dead. [walks back into the other room, where the medical examiner is standing over Ricca's body] Doctor, give me a good note.
Medical Examiner: He was clutching some hair. He must have grabbed it off the killer's head. That means we have a shot at some DNA.
Adrian Monk: How could he grab any hair? We just saw the tape. The intruder was wearing a hood.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well it could have fallen off during the fight.
Medical Examiner: Because we hit her. The victim wrote you a note. [Under Ricca's right hand is the word "OW," written in blood. Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher all squat to examine it]
Lt. Randall Disher: "OW"? Why would anybody write "OW"? Usually, that's something you'd say. [Monk moves Ricca's arm aside, revealing the whole word: "CHOW"] Oh my God. Chow's alive. Sir, the rumors are true: he's been hiding out overseas just waiting for a time to make a comeback.
[In the woods, Monk stumbles and grabs a tree to keep his balance.]
Adrian Monk: Ooh, I got nature, I got nature on my hand! [Natalie wipes off the dirt with a leaf] What are you doing? You can't clean nature with nature!
Adrian Monk: Ooh, I got nature, I got nature on my hand! [Natalie wipes off the dirt with a leaf] What are you doing? You can't clean nature with nature!
[In the woods]
Adrian Monk: Are we lost? Tell me the truth, I can take it.
Natalie Teeger: We're... [Stottlemeyer mouths, "NO!"] ...not lost.
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God! WE'RE LOST!
Adrian Monk: Are we lost? Tell me the truth, I can take it.
Natalie Teeger: We're... [Stottlemeyer mouths, "NO!"] ...not lost.
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God! WE'RE LOST!
[Julian Hodge has been arrested for murder and he is being led away in handcuffs]
Julian Hodge: [to Natalie] So, it's true what they say, huh? You can never judge a person by how they dress.
Natalie Teeger: Well, let me tell you about what you're going to be wearing. I hope you like orange. It's a little jumpsuit thing, it has a number right here. You can wear it anywhere, really. Indoors, walking around the yard...
Julian Hodge: [to Natalie] So, it's true what they say, huh? You can never judge a person by how they dress.
Natalie Teeger: Well, let me tell you about what you're going to be wearing. I hope you like orange. It's a little jumpsuit thing, it has a number right here. You can wear it anywhere, really. Indoors, walking around the yard...
[Julie has to go to the bathroom.]
Monk: No, Julie, wait. Here. I'll give you ten dollars to hold it in.
Julie: Really?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, what are you doing? You can't pay a person not to pee!
Monk: Best money I ever spent.
Julie: Sure he can. It's called the free market. I learned about it in school. So, Mr. Monk... how much would you pay me not to throw up?
[about five miles later]
Julie: Here.
Monk: What's this?
Julie: I'm returning your money. I'm not gonna make it.
Monk: No, Julie, wait. Here. I'll give you ten dollars to hold it in.
Julie: Really?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, what are you doing? You can't pay a person not to pee!
Monk: Best money I ever spent.
Julie: Sure he can. It's called the free market. I learned about it in school. So, Mr. Monk... how much would you pay me not to throw up?
[about five miles later]
Julie: Here.
Monk: What's this?
Julie: I'm returning your money. I'm not gonna make it.
[Julie's teacher has disqualified her science project, and Natalie needs Monk to validate that Julie's project is legitimate]
Natalie Teeger: What do you call a guy who studies fish?
Adrian Monk: An ichthyologist.
Natalie Teeger: That's what you are.
Adrian Monk: No, I'm not.
Natalie Teeger: Yes, you are.
Adrian Monk: I really don't think I am.
Natalie Teeger: For the next five minutes you are.
Natalie Teeger: What do you call a guy who studies fish?
Adrian Monk: An ichthyologist.
Natalie Teeger: That's what you are.
Adrian Monk: No, I'm not.
Natalie Teeger: Yes, you are.
Adrian Monk: I really don't think I am.
Natalie Teeger: For the next five minutes you are.