[Kevin and Monk are looking inside Val Birch's house, and are debating whether they can go in]
Kevin Dorfman: I know, I'll lean in.
Adrian Monk: What?
Kevin Dorfman: Yeah, you can lean anywhere you want to. It's in the Constitution.
Adrian Monk: I can't imagine what Constitution you're referring to.

[Late at night, Stottlemeyer and Disher brainstorm on how the immobile Biederbeck could have killed the judge.]
Lt. Disher: What time is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: [checks his watch] No, don't ask. [Randy looks at his watch and both policemen sigh.] Whew.
Lt. Disher: Oh-- [sniffs] Okay. Okay. Okay. Maybe we're looking at this all wrong. Maybe he killed her in his apartment, and then he somehow moved the body back to her house.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. What about the 911 call? She made it from the house.
Lt. Disher: What about liposuction?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Lt. Disher: Liposuction, yeah! He... he lipo'd himself down to like, uh... I don't know, like 400 pounds. Down the elevator, across town... killed the judge.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, how did he gain all the weight back?
[Long pause]
Lt. Disher: Reverse liposuction.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God.
Lt. Disher: Yeah, he just pumped it all back in.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You think that's possible?
Lt. Disher: I don't know. Should I call a doctor?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. [chuckles] Let's keep our reverse liposuction theory to ourselves. Okay, Randy?

[Looking around the house, Monk spots the pried-open smoke alarm]
Adrian Monk: What's--what's with this?
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's a smoke alarm. She was in the kitchen cooking something when he broke in. It started to burn.
Lt. Randall Disher: A little girl across the street saw the guy turning it off.
Adrian Monk: So there was a witness?
Lt. Randall Disher: She's 10 years old. She didn't see much.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So the perp breaks in. He goes berserk in here. The victim runs upstairs and calls 911.
Adrian Monk: It's strange.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What's strange?
Adrian Monk: The phone. He didn't take the phone off the hook. So, what? He just let her call 911? [Monk inspects the kitchen. He finds a few leftovers in the fridge] Any prints?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nope, nothing so far.
Adrian Monk: So, she's here cooking. He breaks in. He's a big guy. Lot of noise.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He must've cornered her in here, and then chased her out and caught up with her in the bedroom?
Adrian Monk: I would've grabbed a knife. [points to the knife rack] Why didn't she grab a knife?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't know. [Monk observes the bedroom] She was over here on the phone. Severe blunt trauma to the head with a baseball bat. [Monk eyes one of the phones]
Adrian Monk: Has this phone been touched?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, no. The scene's intact. [Monk holds the phone with a handkerchief to avoid contaminating fingerprints; he punches a button on the receiver but only gets static until he pulls up the antenna]
Adrian Monk: The antenna has to be up to get a signal in here.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So?
Adrian Monk: Somebody lowered it all the way after the call. You don't usually see that when someone's getting bludgeoned to death.

[looking at the body fished from the hotel mud bath]
Natalie Teeger: Who is he?
Lieutenant Bristo: So far he's John Doe.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm willing to bet that that is the same green mud you found in the car.
Natalie Teeger: Is he the driver?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, not likely. According to the coroner, this guy died at least thirty-six hours ago.
Adrian Monk: Captain, he's the wedding photographer! The one that's been missing.
Lieutenant Bristo: How do you know that?
Adrian Monk: The discoloration on his fingertips. It's caused by developer fluid. I've seen it in other photographers. [Stottlemeyer chuckles and shares a look with Bristo]
Lieutenant Bristo: I'm glad he's on our team. Well if you're right and he's local, he probably has a studio in town. I'll get a search warrant.

[Marty has found Harold Gumbal's body by using a tree branch and a dowsing rod]
Marty Eels: He was trying to tell us the name of the man who killed him. Look. [points using his tree branch] He's pointing to his watch.
Adrian Monk: No. He's not, Captain.
Marty Eels: Are there any perps who'd do a job like this by the name of--Casio?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Casio?
Marty Eels: Lefty? [thinks] Dial?
Lt. Randy Disher: Eddie Dial? He just did seven years in Fulsom Prison for kidnapping and bank robbery; he just made parole.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well let's check him out.

[Mob "associate" Vince insists on guarding Monk and Sharona.]
Vince: Uncle Sal told me [to] keep an eye on you. It's for your own protection.
Adrian Monk: It's a little insulting. I haven't needed a babysitter since I was nineteen.
Sharona Fleming: You had a babysitter when you were nineteen?
Adrian Monk: Everyone did. It was the seventies; it was a crazy time.

[Monk accidentally gets pushed onto a departing subway train]
Sharona: Sir, sir! You've got to stop that train, he's all alone-!
Subway Cop: All right, ma'am, just calm down. It happens all the time. [lifts his radio] What's his name?
Sharona: Adrian Monk.
Subway Cop: And how old is he?
Sharona: He's forty-five.

[Monk and Benjy observe Sharona losing to a handsome acquaintance at tennis.]
Benjy: Mom coulda got that shot. You think she's letting him win?
Monk: I wouldn't be surprised.
Benjy: You know, why do girls do that?
Monk: Someday you'll understand. [pauses] When you do, call me and explain it to me.

[Monk and Christie look through Jenny's special privilages]
Adrian Monk: Tell me about the Lobster Barrel.
Joe Christie: It's a family place. It's noisy, there's a million kids. You wouldn't last five minutes. It's got a great all-you-can-eat buffet with seven different kinds of shrimp: jumbo shrimp, batter-dipped shrimp, tempura shrimp...
Adrian Monk: Okay, stop telling me about the Lobster Barrel.
Joe Christie: ...barbecued shrimp...
Adrian Monk: Stop.

[Monk and Disher are talking on the phone]
Disher: So, you want to tell me what's going on?
Monk: I think this time, he might have killed his wife.
Disher: Where are you staying, Monk? The Bates Motel?
Monk: No, but I think this place is run by the same company.

[Monk and Kevin have been to Birch's house and Monk decides he has to get closer]
Adrian Monk: I have to get closer.
Kevin Dorfman: Closer? Yesterday, we were in the front row. You can't get much closer than that.
[cuts to another Treasure Chest show in the process of being taped]
Roddy Lankman: Please welcome to the show Adrian Monk! [Monk feverishly steps out, and uprights a gold goblet before taking his place at his podium] Welcome to the show, Adrian. [Kevin and Dwight are watching the show on the backstage monitors]
Kevin Dorfman: Mr. E, you are not going to regret this.
Roddy Lankman: [onstage] -Before we start, is there anybody you would like to say hello to?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Roddy Lankman: Who'd that be?
Adrian Monk: Sharona. She's in New Jersey, visiting her mother.
Roddy Lankman: That's very nice. How long have you and Sharona been married?
Adrian Monk: No, no, no. Sharona is my nurse. I was married but my wife Trudy was killed by a car bomb. [cuts to backstage]
Stagehand: Did he just say "car bomb"?
Adrian Monk: [continuing] Which is why I've devoted my life to putting criminals behind bars.

[Monk and Natalie are following Karen]
Natalie Teeger: How long have they been married?
Adrian Monk: Forever. Karen and Leland? They've never had a thing in common. I remember... this one weekend he went hunting. She stayed home and organized a rally for stronger gun control.

[Monk and Natalie are observing Julie before the rehearsal for Hodge's show]
Natalie Teeger: She looks beautiful, doesn't she? Too beautiful. Sometimes I wish she had a big old fat ugly wart right here. [points to her forehead]
Adrian Monk: [puts his finger right above the bridge of Natalie's nose] Maybe here.

[Monk and Natalie are waiting for Sonny Chow's coffin to be opened; Monk is examining pickle jars containing preserved organs]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, this was not in my job description. Let's get out of here.
Adrian Monk: Oh I'm okay. What a beautiful pancreas. [Stottlemeyer, Disher, and a doctor come in]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: OK, here we go. [They open the lid of the coffin]
Doctor: Hello...
Natalie Teeger: [covers her eyes] Oh, my God...
Doctor: We're so sorry to disturb you.
[They take a part of the corpse, and examine it under a microscope]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, you're the expert. Is it him or not?
Lt. Randall Disher: It's hard to say. I mean, Sonny had a lot more hair... and skin.
Doctor: We'll know soon enough. It'll take two minutes to compare these with his old dental records.

[Monk and Natalie cut in line trying to get into Julian Hodge's fashion show while searching for Julie.]
Adrian Monk: I'm on the list.
Security guard: Name?
Adrian Monk: Puff Daddy, plus 1.