Phil: Do people want their real estate advice from someone who leads or from someone who follows? I'm betting these babies [points to fake moustache] are coming back in a big way. Buy low sell high. People are gonna see this and say... that guy is high.

Phil: I always felt bad for people with emotionally distant fathers- It turns out I'm one of them. It's a miracle I didn't end up a stripper.

Phil: I am brave. Roller coasters? Love ‘em. Scary movies? I've seen Ghostbusters like 7 times. I regularly drive through neighborhoods that have only recently been gentrified. So yeah, I'm pretty much not afraid of anything...except for clowns. Never shared that with the family so, shh- I do have an image to maintain. I am not really sure where the fear comes from, my mother says it's because when I was a kid I found a dead clown in the woods- but who knows?

Phil: I'm the cool dad. That's my thing. I'm hip. I surf the Web. I text. LOL: laughing out loud. OMG: Oh my God. WTF: Why the face? Um you know, I know all the dances to High School Musical so..

[Claire and Phil are pretending to be strangers at a hotel bar, Claire has just returned from the bathroom wearing her coat]
Claire: "Clive", I have a little something for you.
Phil: What is it?
Claire: [tosses something at Phil] My dress.
Phil: Oh..
Claire: My bra.
Phil: Oh my...
Claire: My underwear.
Phil: My god!
Claire: Yeah. What do you say we take this upstairs.
Phil: This is so much better than cheesy garlic bread.

[Claire and Phil have had a fight earlier when Claire feels that Phil listens to everyone's opinion but hers]
Phil: Hey.
Claire: Hey
Phil: I wanna show you something.
Claire: Let me guess. It's a copy of the book that I begged you to read, but you wouldn't until your dental hygienist said it changed her life.
Phil: [opens photo album in his hands] Remember this? [Claire murmurs assent] It's the first Thanksgiving I spent with your family.
Claire: God, I hated that ponytail.
Phil: I know, you said it made me look like a wimpy bouncer so I cut it off. Just like I lost the feathered earring. And the van with the beanbag chairs. And I changed my forestry major.
Claire: I get it, Phil. I get it. I am the controlling witch that made you give up everything fun in your life....
Phil: No! No no no no you're the witch who saved me! [Claire looks stunned] Look. Look at this picture. Now look at this guy. [gestures to his face] You can't tell me your opinion doesn't matter. You changed me for the better in a hundred different ways. Yeah, I might miss a book or a, a salad here and there, but...I've got Claire all over me.
Claire: [smiles] You're about to. [kisses him]

[Haley walks in with a revealing nurse costume]
Claire: What the hell is that?
Haley: What? You told me to put on an old costume.
Claire: Not from when you were eight. Are you trying to get candy or Japanese business men? Change it. Go.