M*A*S*H quotes
576 total quotesTrapper: I guess he's just unstable. You see, he took this weird oath as a young man, never to just stand by and watch people die.
Trapper: What a mess. Stomach, kidney, liver...
Hawkeye: What is that, an organ recital?
Hawkeye: What is that, an organ recital?
Trapper: What's the announcement, Radar?
Radar: It's a lecture. Colonel Blake's gonna tell us everything he knows about sex.
Hawkeye: It should be an enjoyable 60 seconds.
Radar: It's a lecture. Colonel Blake's gonna tell us everything he knows about sex.
Hawkeye: It should be an enjoyable 60 seconds.
Trapper: You have a lot of trouble with women, don't you?
Hawkeye: Every chance that I can!
Hawkeye: Every chance that I can!
Williamson: Do you always treat enemy soldiers?
Hawkeye: Of course not, only if they're sick.
Hawkeye: Of course not, only if they're sick.
(both drunk, under fire, in a foxhole)
Potter: Fire that weapon!
Hawkeye: Fire it? I don't even like looking at it!
Potter: I said fire that weapon!
Hawkeye: All right. [To the gun] You're fired! [To Potter] I did it as gently as I could.
Potter: That was an order, Pierce.
Hawkeye: (Snapping his fingers): Oh waiter, would you take this man's order, please?
Potter: Fire the gun Hawkeye.
Hawkeye: Look Colonel, I'll heal their wounds, treat their wounds, bind their wounds, but I will not inflict their wounds.
Potter: You can't just sit there.
Hawkeye: I may be sitting on the outside but I'm running on the inside.
Potter: You love life that little?
Hawkeye: I hate GUNS that much.
Potter: Fire that weapon!
Hawkeye: Fire it? I don't even like looking at it!
Potter: I said fire that weapon!
Hawkeye: All right. [To the gun] You're fired! [To Potter] I did it as gently as I could.
Potter: That was an order, Pierce.
Hawkeye: (Snapping his fingers): Oh waiter, would you take this man's order, please?
Potter: Fire the gun Hawkeye.
Hawkeye: Look Colonel, I'll heal their wounds, treat their wounds, bind their wounds, but I will not inflict their wounds.
Potter: You can't just sit there.
Hawkeye: I may be sitting on the outside but I'm running on the inside.
Potter: You love life that little?
Hawkeye: I hate GUNS that much.
(wounded soldiers are being brought into camp)
PA Announcer: Attention all personnel! Quit your dreaming, it's time for the nightmare!
PA Announcer: Attention all personnel! Quit your dreaming, it's time for the nightmare!
[After Hawkeye tries to say something in Korean]
Captain Pak: Give him a bicarbonate and tell him to stay off his feet.
Hawkeye: Isn't that "Your presence is welcome in our camp"?
Pak: No, it's "Your uncle has gas from eating cabbage."
[After Hawkeye says something else in Korean]
Pak: Sorry to hear that.
Hawkeye: What?
Pak: Your uncle with the gas is now pregnant.
Captain Pak: Give him a bicarbonate and tell him to stay off his feet.
Hawkeye: Isn't that "Your presence is welcome in our camp"?
Pak: No, it's "Your uncle has gas from eating cabbage."
[After Hawkeye says something else in Korean]
Pak: Sorry to hear that.
Hawkeye: What?
Pak: Your uncle with the gas is now pregnant.
[An army film unit is making a documentary at the camp.]
Frank: [Reading from the film script] "...from the strong, capable hands of a Yankee Doodle Doctor."
Trapper: [laughing] A Yankee Doodle --
Hawkeye: [singing] Stuck a feather in his nurse...
Hawkeye and Trapper: ...and called her macaroni!
Frank: [Reading from the film script] "...from the strong, capable hands of a Yankee Doodle Doctor."
Trapper: [laughing] A Yankee Doodle --
Hawkeye: [singing] Stuck a feather in his nurse...
Hawkeye and Trapper: ...and called her macaroni!
[during a poker game in the Swamp]
Hawkeye: Can't you guys do that somewhere else?
Trapper: Why don't you do what you're doing somewhere else?
Hawkeye: I'm not doing anything!
Trapper: Well, you can do that anywhere, can't you?
Hawkeye: Can't you guys do that somewhere else?
Trapper: Why don't you do what you're doing somewhere else?
Hawkeye: I'm not doing anything!
Trapper: Well, you can do that anywhere, can't you?
[Everyone at the 4077th is attending a Korean wedding taking place at the MASH.]
Frank: They won't get away with this. General Harrelson will hear about this!
Margaret: Oh, shut up!
Frank: They won't get away with this. General Harrelson will hear about this!
Margaret: Oh, shut up!
[Hawkeye and BJ ask Klinger who he thinks is the funniest guy in the camp.]
Klinger: It's no contest: neither one of you. You guys don't even make the first cut. I'm trying to tell my uncle what kind of a place I work in: doctors, nurses saving lives. Well, I got a commanding officer who dresses me up in his clothes and sits me on a horse named Sophie so he can paint his own picture. There's a priest writing war ditties, and a snooty Major who pays me twenty bucks to follow him out in the woods and watch him blow up a pigeon with a landmine. And if that doesn't do it for ya, I got a head nurse who shoots unarmed luggage. All you two guys do is walk around all day telling jokes. What the hell's so funny about that? [returns to writing his letter.] Ya see, Unc? It's no wonder I never got a Section Eight; there's nothing special about me. Everybody here is crazy.
Klinger: It's no contest: neither one of you. You guys don't even make the first cut. I'm trying to tell my uncle what kind of a place I work in: doctors, nurses saving lives. Well, I got a commanding officer who dresses me up in his clothes and sits me on a horse named Sophie so he can paint his own picture. There's a priest writing war ditties, and a snooty Major who pays me twenty bucks to follow him out in the woods and watch him blow up a pigeon with a landmine. And if that doesn't do it for ya, I got a head nurse who shoots unarmed luggage. All you two guys do is walk around all day telling jokes. What the hell's so funny about that? [returns to writing his letter.] Ya see, Unc? It's no wonder I never got a Section Eight; there's nothing special about me. Everybody here is crazy.
[in shorts, T-shirt, and dressing gown]
Hawkeye: Would I do anything to disgrace this uniform?
Hawkeye: Would I do anything to disgrace this uniform?
[In the film, Hawkeye plays the "Yankee Doodle Doctor" as a Groucho Marx-esque type character, and Trapper as a Harpo Marx-esque character. The first scene shows Radar as a patient being unloaded from an ambulance. ]
Nurse: Doctor, can you give him a hand?
Yankee Doodle Doctor: I'd rather give you one!
Radar: Are you the Yankee Doodle Doctor?
Yankee Doodle Doctor: I certainly am!
Trapper: *HONK!*HONK!*
[Scene cuts to the Mess tent everyone watching the film with Hawkeye and Trapper laughing at people]
Radar: Gosh, am I glad they brought me here!
Yankee Doodle Doctor: Wait a minute, have you got a reservation?
Radar: A reservation?!
Yankee Doodle Doctor: I'm afraid we're all booked up through New Years!
Trapper: *HONK!*
Radar: But, Doctor!
Yankee Doodle Doctor: I'm sorry, kid. You should've booked ahead. Come to think of it, you should've booked the rest of the body as well!
Nurse: Doctor, can you give him a hand?
Yankee Doodle Doctor: I'd rather give you one!
Radar: Are you the Yankee Doodle Doctor?
Yankee Doodle Doctor: I certainly am!
Trapper: *HONK!*HONK!*
[Scene cuts to the Mess tent everyone watching the film with Hawkeye and Trapper laughing at people]
Radar: Gosh, am I glad they brought me here!
Yankee Doodle Doctor: Wait a minute, have you got a reservation?
Radar: A reservation?!
Yankee Doodle Doctor: I'm afraid we're all booked up through New Years!
Trapper: *HONK!*
Radar: But, Doctor!
Yankee Doodle Doctor: I'm sorry, kid. You should've booked ahead. Come to think of it, you should've booked the rest of the body as well!