Klinger (talking to a post): Colonel Potter, I'd like to help in triage, sir. I'm a little shaky, but while I have any strength at all, I'd like to pitch in. (referring to a dog) OK! let's get this patient into pre-op! Hubba-hubba! Orderly!

Klinger (to Korean mother who accuses him of conduct unbecoming): Madam, it is against the rules to fold, spindle, or perforate military personnel. Could we go back to the broom or how about a vacuum cleaner? Uhh Colonel would you mind dropping everything and coming out here fast?!
Potter: What the heck is going-- put that thing down lady this is no hayride. Now what in the name of Beezlebub is goin on here? (everyone starts talking at once to explain and Colonel Potter holds up his arms for silence) Hold it down! (After everyone is quiet) Now that's more like it. Klinger this woman seems a little cranky.
Klinger: Actually sir it's very amusing.
Potter: Then how come Madame Pitchfork isn't laughing?
Klinger (referring to Korean woman holding pitchfork): This is Miss Oksun Li. She thinks I was playing inappropriate games with her daughter here.

Klinger (to Zale): If my dog had your face, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards!

Klinger [singing]: Nobody knows the trouble I've seen...
Hawkeye: I know!
Klinger: Somebody knows the trouble I've seen...

Klinger: (afraid of catching mumps): If you get 'em as a kid, you don't get 'em as an adult. But if you get 'em as an adult, you don't get kids. Take that, you little homewreckers!

Klinger: (On guard duty at night.) Halt! What's the password.
Hawkeye: (in a threatening tone) Outta my way, or i'll split your head open.
Klinger: ...Close enough!

Klinger: (After breaking Potter's glasses) We just shared a moment of great warmth. I think a murder right now would really spoil the mood.

Klinger: [reading an alleged letter from home] "Dear Son--"
Henry: You obviously haven't sent her a recent picture.

Klinger: Before I go in sir, I demand you send out a patrol to rescue my wardrobe.
Potter: Into the cave with the rest of the bats.

Klinger: Captains, I've been adding up some numbers.
BJ: Well, you'd better sit down, your fingers must be exhausted.

Klinger: Colonel Potter, sir. Corporal Klinger. I'm section eight, head-to-toe. I'm wearing a Warner bra. I play with dolls. My last wish is to be buried in my mother's wedding gown. I'm nuts. I should be out.
Potter: Horse hockey! I've seen these dodges for 40 years, all the tricks. Knew a private, pretended he was a mare. Carried a colt in his arm for weeks. Another fellow said he was a daisy. Insisted we water him every morning. No, no, Corporal. It ain't gonna go with me. Now you get out of that froufrou and into a uniform. And you stay in uniform. Dismissed!

Klinger: Colonel, I missed you!
Potter: No.
Klinger: About my heart murmur, Sir...
Potter: No.
Klinger: My double vision is coming back.
Potter: No.
Klinger: I've fallen in love with a goat!
Potter: No.
Klinger: Glad to have you back, Sir.

Klinger: Colonel, if you can hear me, knock three times. If you can't, knock twice.
(Henry knocks twice)
Klinger: Good lord, he's dead.

Klinger: Hey, guys. Did you know that Ted Williams is going home? I heard the Red Sox paid fifty thousand bucks to get him out of the Marines.
Charles: Boy, that's not what I heard. I heard it was seventy-five thousand and they sold Babe Ruth to the Navy.

Klinger: Hey, how come you got the easy job while we had to bust our buns?
Charles: Very well, Klinger. How do you spell "caution"?
Klinger: C-A-W...
Charles: I rest my case. When I have this sign finished, I'll hang one on this door, then I have to walk all the way around and put one on the other door
Klinger: K-A-W...?
Hawkeye: Now you've got it.