M*A*S*H quotes
576 total quotesKlinger: Holy Toledo! Either that bird hit a landmine, or you just shot down a kamikaze pigeon!
Klinger: I got KP coming up. I'll probably fall asleep on the pudding and die of a concussion.
Klinger: In the words of my people, may your life be an oasis surrounded by waving palms, warm breezes, and spit-free camels.
Klinger: My mother had those. Had a premonition about Pearl Harbor.
Radar: Did she tell anybody?
Klinger: She didn't have it 'til December 9th.
Radar: Did she tell anybody?
Klinger: She didn't have it 'til December 9th.
Klinger: No, they got something better...me.
Tom: Huh?
Klinger: Take me instead of him, I've got your escape plan.
Tom: I got my own plan...chopper to Seoul, plane back to Ohio.
Klinger: I'm from Toledo, I know people there, I can make it easy for you.
Charles: Take him, he's got a plan, I would be lost in Ohio. Take him, please, please? I've never even been to Ohio, he was born and raised there! He's--
Tom: Okay, okay get out of here, anything's better than you!
Tom: Huh?
Klinger: Take me instead of him, I've got your escape plan.
Tom: I got my own plan...chopper to Seoul, plane back to Ohio.
Klinger: I'm from Toledo, I know people there, I can make it easy for you.
Charles: Take him, he's got a plan, I would be lost in Ohio. Take him, please, please? I've never even been to Ohio, he was born and raised there! He's--
Tom: Okay, okay get out of here, anything's better than you!
Klinger: Now the army is my best friend... I may get shot in the stomach... but I won't get stabbed in the back.
Klinger: Rosie, I need a favor.
Rosie: Five dollars.
Klinger: I just wanna talk.
Rosie: OK, three dollars.
Rosie: Five dollars.
Klinger: I just wanna talk.
Rosie: OK, three dollars.
Klinger: Sir, I only want a small, quick little wedding in Toledo then a teeny-tiny, one-two-three honeymoon!
Col. Blake Anyone who believes that, stand on their head.
Col. Blake Anyone who believes that, stand on their head.
Klinger: Surely Madame knows of my sincere sincerity? To me the words Houlihan and hubba hubba have always been synonymous. You are a vision of great loveliness even dripping as you are.
Margaret: If there's a point to this, get to it.
Klinger: I've unanimously chosen you to be the beauty editor of my paper.
Margaret: Your paper what?
Klinger: Paper news. "M*A*S*H Notes." Read it at your leisure and imagine how much better it would be with your very own beauty column: "About Faces."
Margaret: That's cute.
Margaret: If there's a point to this, get to it.
Klinger: I've unanimously chosen you to be the beauty editor of my paper.
Margaret: Your paper what?
Klinger: Paper news. "M*A*S*H Notes." Read it at your leisure and imagine how much better it would be with your very own beauty column: "About Faces."
Margaret: That's cute.
Klinger: The Piranhas [Marines] have landed at Rosie's, and already we've got their first casualty!
Hawkeye: Uh, sorry, I don't remove tattoos.
Klinger: How about billiard balls?
BJ: What?!
Klinger: A Marine got one stuck in his mouth.
BJ: Now, that must have been some shot.
Hawkeye: Can he breathe?
Klinger: Oh yeah, he's fine; you need a bazooka to kill these guys. He bet someone that he could put a pool ball in his mouth and then take it out.
BJ: Well, he was half right.
Hawkeye: Uh, sorry, I don't remove tattoos.
Klinger: How about billiard balls?
BJ: What?!
Klinger: A Marine got one stuck in his mouth.
BJ: Now, that must have been some shot.
Hawkeye: Can he breathe?
Klinger: Oh yeah, he's fine; you need a bazooka to kill these guys. He bet someone that he could put a pool ball in his mouth and then take it out.
BJ: Well, he was half right.
Klinger: Wait! Put away your thinking caps, I got it. Imagine if you will the world's biggest salami.
Charles: We don't have to imagine it, Klinger, we're looking at it.
Charles: We don't have to imagine it, Klinger, we're looking at it.
Klinger: Well, as my Uncle Amos used to say, "Those who can't, manage those who can." One of his employees made that up for him.
Klinger: What's this morning's breakfast?
Trapper: Last night's dinner.
Klinger: Great, that was yesterday's lunch.
Trapper: Last night's dinner.
Klinger: Great, that was yesterday's lunch.