Henry: Uh, that, uh, scotch you just poured is rye.
Margaret: That's OK, the champagne I just had was gin.

Henry: Whatever it is, even if the answer is "yes," it's "no."

Henry: Why don't you call me Henry, for Pete's sake.
Margaret: [drunk] That's really swell of you, Pete.

Henry: You know, Frank, as rough as it's been, I think I'll miss you.
Frank: Well it might not have come to this if you had had the backbone to maintain some discipline.
Henry: Well--so much for missing you.

Henry: You know, Major, you and your nurses can be a real pain in the butt. If you're not in here every five minutes complaining about them, they're in here saying you're Hermann Goering in drag!
Margaret: Which one of them said that?!?!
Henry: I'm not finking, Major.

Henry: You were ordered to stand down!
Hawkeye: I did, but I fell up again.

Jack Scully: Got anything to smoke?
Rosie: [handing him a cigar] Special today. Two bits.
Hawkeye: It's on me.
Jack Scully: It's got teeth marks in it.
Rosie: It's a demonstrator model.

Jenkins: Halt, who goes there?
Radar: It's the Colonel.
Jenkins: Oh, sorry, go ahead, sir.
Potter: Don't you want to know the password?
Jenkins: I already know it, sir.

Klinger (after he rips his skirt): That was an original. Now they'll make copies and you'll see it all over Korea!

Klinger (as a Korean girl stares at his dress): This is what happens to you when you don't eat your vegetables.

Klinger (feeding a little girl): I hope you like this. Some of it was cooked before you were born.

Klinger (looking for pants for Charles): Let's see, about a 42 extra pompous.

Klinger (on guard duty): Halt! Who goes there?
Henry: Outta the way, Klinger.
Klinger: I've gotta have the password, Colonel.
Henry: Bullfeathers!
Klinger: That was LAST week's password.

Klinger (passing out copies of Stars & Stripes to the officers): Here; read this.
Hawkeye (reading): "Scandal Rocks Capitol Hill. Congressman Daniel Lurie-!"
Everyone else: *gasps of surprise*
Hawkeye (reading on): "-Caught in Washington Love Nest with Aide's Wife! 'My-my husband drove me to it,' sobbed a tearful-"
Everyone (reading together): "-L. Shirley Williamson!"
Hawkeye (reading on): "'I needed more than a man who's married to his work first and me second!'"
Margaret: Now wait, wait. That seems fair. He had the Congressman's ear, and she got everything else!

Klinger (seeing that the press has taken over his office): Speaking of drawers and sheets, I was hoping to strip down to one and slip between the other.