Henry: [pulling out Klinger's file] Here we go. Father dying, right?
Klinger: Yes, sir.
Henry: [going through letters in Klinger's file] Father dying, last year. Mother dying, last year. Mother and father dying. Mother, father, and older sister dying. Mother dying and older sister pregnant. Older sister dying and mother pregnant. Younger sister pregnant and older sister dying. Here's an oldie but a goodie: half of the family dying, other half pregnant. [puts file down] Klinger, aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Klinger: Yes sir. I don't deserve to be in the Army.

Henry: According to Regimental, the fighting shifted to the north and we won't be getting any casualties.
Hawkeye: That's the same Regimental that said to Custer, "One last stand and then you can go home."

Henry: Boy, I wish I knew what was going on.
Radar: I'll tell you later, sir.
Henry: You always say that, Radar, but you never do.

Henry: Bring me back something.
Hawkeye: No chance. We're gonna be careful.

Henry: Don't tell me. I don't want to know about it. You guys have my full permission, and I never said that. I mean, I'm not even here, so how could I? Radar!
Radar: Sir?
Henry: Make an entry in the daily report that I wasn't here today, and bring it to me so I can sign it.
Radar: Uh, sir, if you sign it, it'll show you were here.
Henry: Then you sign it for me.
Radar: Yes, sir. Should I sign your name?
Henry: You'll have to, because I'm gonna say it was a forgery.

Henry: Holy cow! (Reading charges) "Insubordination! Conduct unbecoming officers! Violations of Articles 13 through 27 with a repeat on 26!"
Hawkeye: That must be altering salute by placing thumb on nose.
Trapper: Henry there's something you should know about those charges.
Hawkeye: Yes. We're guilty.
Henry: I'll tell you what else you are: Your under arrest. General's orders.
Hawkeye: Swell. What do we tell the casualties? We only operate on visiting days?
Trapper: You gonna lock us up Sheriff?
Henry: If you guys didn't outclass every bit of surgical talent in Korea, your tails would have been in handcuffs a long time ago.
Hawkeye: Henry its no crime, or it shouldn't be for doctors to try to get decent medical equipment.
Henry: Did you really yell "Give me an incubator or give me death"? Wow. Did you really call a one-star general a "NINCOMPAC"?

Henry: How'd you know my size?
Radar: (proudly) I traced you while you were asleep!

Henry: I assume you've all read my notice concerning the recent crime wave.
Hawkeye: I would've read it, but the notice was stolen.

Henry: I can't believe it. I couldn't wait till she got here, and now I'm glad she's gone.
Trapper: It's for the best, Henry.
Hawkeye: Yeah. If you had sucked your gut in one more time, your belly button would have fallen out your backside.

Henry: I'd be lying if I said I understood that. I'd also be lying if I said I cared.

Henry: It's bad enough that she's having a baby and I can't be there with her!
Radar: Well at least you were there for the important part.
Season 2

Henry: Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war. Rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is doctors can't change rule number one.

Henry: Radar, do you know what kind of wood this is?
Radar: Oak, sir?
Henry: Nope - it's oak.

Henry: There's nothing wrong with Klinger. I mean, he goes out with girls.
Captain Hildebrand: Must be stealing their clothes.

Henry: This is the army! No one can do the best they can!