M*A*S*H quotes
576 total quotesHawkeye: (Drinking coffee): I'm sorry Father. I don't really feel much like talking. I just had to tell a patient he has leukemia.
Mulcahy: Good heavens. That must have been very difficult for you.
Hawkeye: I didn't want to tell him but he wouldn't let me off the hook. I'm a doctor, a guy looks to me for answers and the only thing I can say is that you have this incurable disease and there is nothing I can do about it. Can't blame this on the war. Can't blame it on anything.
Mulcahy: Especially yourself.
Mulcahy: Good heavens. That must have been very difficult for you.
Hawkeye: I didn't want to tell him but he wouldn't let me off the hook. I'm a doctor, a guy looks to me for answers and the only thing I can say is that you have this incurable disease and there is nothing I can do about it. Can't blame this on the war. Can't blame it on anything.
Mulcahy: Especially yourself.
Hawkeye: (gleefully, after BJ has ripped chapter 1 out of his book and given to Hawk to read) Heehee! Reading! This just might be better than sex!
Charles: Certainly takes longer around here.
BJ: How would you know?
Charles: Certainly takes longer around here.
BJ: How would you know?
Hawkeye: [during a poker game] Sidney, what's the psychiatric basis for gambling?
Sidney: Sex.
Hawkeye: Why?
Sidney: I don't know, they told me to say it. Sex is why we gamble, sex is why we drink, sex is why we give birth.
Hawkeye: Thank you, doctor.
Sidney: I'm taking a five dollar chip. That was a house call.
Sidney: Sex.
Hawkeye: Why?
Sidney: I don't know, they told me to say it. Sex is why we gamble, sex is why we drink, sex is why we give birth.
Hawkeye: Thank you, doctor.
Sidney: I'm taking a five dollar chip. That was a house call.
Hawkeye: [looking for maps of the minefield] Why aren't they under "M"?
Radar: Because they're under "B" for "boom."
Radar: Because they're under "B" for "boom."
Hawkeye: [on the telephone seeking help] Send me anyone! Jack the Ripper! Anyone who's good with a knife!
Hawkeye: [orders breakfast] I'll have two scrambled powdered eggs and a slice of World War II surplus bread, and don't make it tasty.
Hawkeye: [regarding the requisition of the incubator being denied] We're not asking for a jukebox or a pizza oven.
Captain Sloan: Oh, those I can let you have.
Henry: No kidding! Hey, those would be great on movie nights. You got any pizza requisition forms?
Captain Sloan: Just use the standard S stroke 1798 and write in "Pizza" where it says "Machine Gun".
Captain Sloan: Oh, those I can let you have.
Henry: No kidding! Hey, those would be great on movie nights. You got any pizza requisition forms?
Captain Sloan: Just use the standard S stroke 1798 and write in "Pizza" where it says "Machine Gun".
Hawkeye: [responding to a plethora or requests for help] My kingdom for an intelligent octopus!
Hawkeye: [Scrubbing up before returning to the OR.] If my hands could talk, they'd scream. I'm raw from all the scrubbing.
Nurse: Why don't you see a doctor?
Hawkeye: How would you like a swift kiss in the mouth?
Nurse: Why don't you see a doctor?
Hawkeye: How would you like a swift kiss in the mouth?
Hawkeye: [seeing available selections in "nose" catalogue] Gee, I never knew how hard it was to pick a nose.
Robbins: [pointing to one selection] This one paid for two Cadillacs.
Trapper: Now that's what you call "paying through the nose."
Robbins: The wit in this room flows like molasses.
Robbins: [pointing to one selection] This one paid for two Cadillacs.
Trapper: Now that's what you call "paying through the nose."
Robbins: The wit in this room flows like molasses.
Hawkeye: [seeing that his patient is a baby] Boy, did his Draft Board go crazy.
Hawkeye: [telling a nurse about Rosie Land] We're a simple country, where man's only obligation is to love his fellow woman. So what do you say, you wanna be a patriot and love me back? [the nurse walks away] Turncoat!