Hawkeye (still trying to guess what "BJ" stands for): Was your mother Spanish?
BJ: No, why?
Hawkeye: That eliminates Benito Juarez.

Hawkeye (talking to Margaret about what to tell Donald about their brief affair): What do you usually tell him?

Hawkeye (to dishevelled Radar at show-end): Radar, what happened?
Radar: I don't know. I think I've been slaked.

Hawkeye (to Margaret): Maybe you and I are just too choosy. We're both looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world.

Hawkeye (to Trapper, walking into Mess Tent): Would you mind sucking in your shoulders?
Trapper: Pardon my build.

Hawkeye (trying to guess what "BJ" stands for): Belvedere Jehoshaphat.
BJ: Got it! First try.

Hawkeye (watching a movie): What; what'd I miss?
Henry: Cornel Wilde just kissed Gene Tierney.
Hawkeye: On the teeth?
Trapper: Right smack on.
Hawkeye: If he straightens out that overbite, I'll kill him.

Hawkeye (writing a letter to President Truman): If you end this fiasco right now, I pledge to purchase all your daughter's inimitable records. Don't bother to deliver them. I'd love to pick them up on my way home.

Hawkeye [about the Army Field Manual]: How to Defend Freedom and Democracy Through Unquestioned Obedience.

Hawkeye They'll keep coming whether I'm here or not. Trapper went home, they're still coming. Henry got killed and they're still coming. Wherever they come from, they'll never run out.

Hawkeye(after getting a talking to from Mulcahy, Margaret, and Potter): Radar I'd like to apologize.
Radar: Oh yeah? Well you can just forget it. Just forget it! The hell with me huh. The hell with you. How about that? And another thing. I wanna tell you something. Anyone who says anything about Iowa better be prepared to back it up pal. I'll give you a fistful of Iowa naiveteness right in the stomach. How about that huh?!
Hawkeye (stopping the nurse trying to calm Radar down): No, let him go.
Radar: You know I don't need you to tell me what's what. I know what's what just as well as you do. So why don't you just crawl back in your bottle of booze and pickle yourself?

Hawkeye: "You risked your life for a . . . a ketchup on rye?!"
Radar: "With butter and lettuce!"

Hawkeye: (After hearing the main dish is liver and/or fish again) ...I didn't hear you say that. Because it isn't possible. It's inhuman to serve the same food day after day. The Geneva convention prohibits the killing of our tastebuds! I simply can not eat the same food day after day. Fish! Liver! Day after day! I've eaten a river of liver, and an ocean of fish! I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills! I've eaten so much liver I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions! (to the rest of the mess tent) Are we going to stand for this?! Are we going to let them do this to us?! NO, I say NO! We're not going to eat this dreck anymore! (starts a riot) We want something else! We want something else! (While chanting continues) Draftees of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your cookies! We want something else! (protesting continues, then scene cuts to Hawkeye sitting in Henry's office).
Henry: Just who do you think you are, Pierce?!
Hawkeye: (looking up at Henry with guilt)...I broke under the pressure, warden.

Hawkeye: (After Klinger says "liver.") Don't say Liver! You say that word again, I'll set your teeth on fire!

Hawkeye: (answering a letter after operating on a young boy): "Ronnie, it's not a good idea to take the love you had for your brother and turn it into hate. Hate makes war, and war is what killed him. I understand your feelings. Sometimes I hate myself for being here. But once in a while, in the midst of this insanity, a very small event can make my being here seem almost bearable. I'm sorry I don't have an answer for you, Ronnie except to suggest that you look for good wherever you can find it."