Lois: (while cleaning out the closet) Who are the Petersons? Why do we have their photo albums? Hi, Malcolm. How was school?
Malcolm: It was normal. Yeah, I'd say normal. Very medieval. (pointing in the closet) Is that a truck tire?
Lois: What? Oh, my... Hal!

Lois: (sees that the new refrigerator has been destroyed) WHAT HAPPENED HERE?!!!
Victor: We can't be sure.
Reese: (hysterical) Grandpa gave me a grenade, and it was going to blow, and I didn't mean to drop it! But Malcolm threw it in the fridge!
Lois: You gave my son a grenade? You brought live ammunition into this house?! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE?! ARE YOU COMPLETELY INSANE?!!

Lois: And when I do, we are all gonna clean up this disaster of a closet. It's gonna be our new family project.
Hal: We've never finished our last family project.
Lois: Because it's in here under two tons of crap!

Lois: Anything you break comes out of your allowance!
Reese: We don't get an allowance!
Lois: Well, now you know why!

Lois: Boys, I need to speak to your father alone.
Reese: So? You have a bedroom, we're eating!

Lois: Can we hurry this along?
Robber #1: Yeah, if someone would give us the combination.
Lois: Well, I can't, but the assistant manager can.
Robber #1: Great, what's the combo?
Craig: No.
Lois & Robber #1: What?
Craig: You can't have it.
Lois: Craig, yes, they can.
Robber #2 (pushes Robber #1 aside): Watch out, I'll get it. (takes gun out) WHAT'S THE COMBO?!?!?!
(Craig passes out)

Lois: Craig, that button's been disconnected for a year now.
Craig: What? Why?
Lois: Because you kept pressing the damn thing.
Craig: In an emergency, that's what it's for.
Lois: Oh, "emergencies" like when you saw a bee. Or when you saw that big fly that you thought was a bee. What about the time you thought you saw a ghost?
Craig: I'm not saying that it was or wasn't, but you can't tell me that what we saw was normal.

Lois: Dewey. Where's the baby-sitter?
Dewey: She's ran away.
Lois: You got rid of another baby-sitter? I can't believe you boys.

Lois: Francis, I am not gonna let you weasel out of your responsibility. Because of you, we are done to one car until your father gets his next paycheck. Now you either come up with the money, or you don't come home.
Francis: Mom, its impossible. I'm in school. When I'm not in school, I have homework. When I'm not doing homework, I'm in detention. If I'm lucky, I have six hours free a week. At minimum wage, I wouldn't be able to make it home until Thanksgiving 2010.
Lois: You bring the yams. [hangs up]

Lois: I am not taking traffic school.
Hal: Honey, if you don't take traffic school, you'll get a point in your license.
Lois: I'm not getting a point in my license because I'm taking this to court. I did nothing wrong and I got three eyewitnesses to prove it. They saw exactly what happened.
[The camera comes up to Reese and flashbacks]
Lois: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...
[as Lois is saying "blah," Reese is taking gum off his shoe. The camera comes up to Malcolm and flashbacks]
Lois: Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack...
[As Lois continues quacking, Malcolm is drawing a pirate on his arm. The camera comes up to Dewey and flashbacks]
Lois: Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey...
[As Lois is saying his name, Dewey is driving the wheel as Lois is in the passenger's seat.]
Malcolm, Reese, & Dewey: You're right, mom!

Lois: It was Kitty Kenarban, she invited a dinner.
Hal: Good for you.
Lois: I am talking about everyone. It will be nice to dinner out with decent people. I wonder why people never invite us to dinner
Hal: I think I see a couple of hungry seals!
(The boys act like seals while Hal throws the spaghetti in their mouths)

Lois: MALCOLM!! REESE!!! MOVE!!!!!

Lois: OK, let me get this straight -- we've been waiting all afternoon for a crane, and now, the crane is here!
Construction Worker: That's right.
Lois: And the man who works the crane? He's here, too!
Construction Worker: That's right.
Lois: THEN WHY IS NOTHING HAPPENING?!

Lois: Reese, give your brother a hug.
Reese: Aw, mom?
Lois: Do it!
Reese: (gives Malcolm a hug) If you tell anyone I hugged you, I'm putting you back in here.

Lois: The tape is wrong. (gets up and leaves)
Malcolm: Dad?
Hal: You heard your mother. The tape... is... OH! (gets up towards Lois)