Malcolm: You want to know the best part about childhood? At some point, it stops.

Lois: Hey, Francis, how's school?
Francis: Oh, couldn't be better, Mom. My new roommate showed me how to kill mice with a hammer yesterday. So, you know, between that and the general atmosphere of simmering homo-eroticism, I think I'm really starting to turn around.

[Lois appears holding a charred red dress.]
Lois: Fire? Fire? Fire?
Malcolm: Mom, what?
Lois: This is the most stupid, irresponsible, dangerous thing you have ever done! Is this what you want? Will we have to identify your charred little bodies through their dental records? I want a straight answer! Who did this?
Reese: Malcolm did it!
Malcolm: Reese did it!
Reese: I didn't do it!
Malcolm: I didn't do it!
Dewey: We're going to the dentist?

Lois: [sits with Malcolm on the dinner table while she hands him a can] Go ahead. It's a name brand. [opens the can, then Malcolm drinks it] I know you didn't do this. You're a good boy. But I want you to help me with this. This is serious. One of your brothers could've burned the house down. [shows Reese, but at a different time] And for that he will be severely punished. But the one who helps me will be a happy, little boy. [shows Dewey, also at a different time] And I want that to be you. [back to Malcolm] Because you always been the best one. [back to Reese] You've always been the best one. [back to Dewey] You have always been the best one.
Malcolm: Mom, honestly, I don't know.
Reese: [different time] I don't know.
Dewey: [different time] Don't know.

Lois: Hi! We're just calling to check in. Let me speak with Francis.
Dewey: He's...in the bathroom.
Lois: Oh. Well, let me talk to Malcolm.
Dewey: He's...in the bathroom.
Lois: They're both in the bathroom? What are they doing in there?
Dewey: I have to go to the bathroom. [hangs up]

[After cleaning up the house]
Reese: It's never been this clean before.
Malcolm: Uh-oh. It's too clean.
Francis: You're right. She'll never buy it.
[The boys start messing up the house]

Malcolm: What do you mean he's only seven?!
Nurse: What's not to understand? He just turned seven. I guess you were too busy beating people to notice!
Malcolm: He CAN'T be seven. He's bigger than I am!
Nurse: He's in second grade! [cleaning up Kevin] Look at all this blood...
Malcolm: That's not blood, it's pizza sauce! Well that's blood, but...
[Caroline Miller enters the nurse's office]
Caroline: Oh my God... OH MY GOD! What happened?
Kevin: [bawling] I want my Teletubby!
Malcolm: A doll?! You can't play with dolls if you're seven... WHY ARE YOU SEVEN?!
Caroline: You beat up a seven-year-old?
Malcolm: I didn't know!
Caroline: Malcolm, I don't blame you. I put this squarely where it belongs... [close to tears] On me!
Malcolm: [to camera] Oh, man. This is the most horrible thing I've ever done! [to Kevin] Kevin, I'm sorry!
Nurse: I think you've done quite enough.
Kevin: This is the worst birthday ever!

Malcolm: I can't stop thinking about what I did to Kevin. I feel like crap, and no one understands. Even you--you're supposed to be my friend and you don't even care.
Stevie: And yet...you keep...talking.

Hal: Look at that sky, Malcolm. Just think. Somewhere out there, all those stars and planets, there might be at this very moment a space dad who just got kicked out of his space trailer, who's looking down on us. Or would it be up at us? Or maybe sideways?
Malcolm: Trust me, Dad, they're all looking down on us.

Dewey: Mom, can I have a story?
Lois: Once upon a time, there was a little boy that made his mom so crazy she decided to sell him to a circus.
Dewey: An evil circus?
Lois: No, a nice one with monkeys.
Dewey: Thank you.

Malcolm: Someone stole my friend's wheelchair.
Security Guard: What's it look like?
Malcolm: It's a chair... with wheels.

[Francis is hanging upside down]
Stevenson: You are hanging over a bottomless pit. In five seconds, I will cut the rope. Are you scared now?
Francis: I'm really not. No.
Stevenson: [dropping the executioner's hood] Why not? This stuff is way scary.
Francis: I'm sorry, but this feels so amateurish. I mean I know you guys are trying, but I've been tormented by the best. Let me tell you a little bit about the master.
[Flashbacks occurs with Lois embarrassing a child Francis by yelling at the referee for a traveling foul. Then, it switches to a teenage Francis being more embarrassed by Lois as she shows his girlfriend his baby pictures in the photo album. Finally it switches to Lois in the boys locker room at Marlin Academy.]
Lois: [Yelling at Francis after he got out of the shower in a towel] It's an 8 inch scratch on the car, Francis. Do you know how much it's gonna cost to fix? If you think you are ever, ever, borrowing my car again, you are sadly mistaken. And I saw that tattoo, Jimmy. I'm telling your mother.
Francis: [flashback ends] And that's the stuff I didn't block out.
[The cult realizes the scare tactic wasn't working and decides to try something new. They replace the photo of a tormented man with a photo of Lois.]

Lois: All right, I've had it! You two are banned from Nintendo.
Reese: OK! We're already banned from Nintendo.
Malcolm: [to audience] The sad thing is, he thinks he's outsmarted her.

[After finding out Francis escaped]
Malcolm: Mom, I think he's okay. [Lois looks up, Malcolm turns to the camera] Uh-oh, tactical error.
Hal: What do you mean?
Malcolm: I mean, he's always okay.
Hal: Malcolm, I know you like Francis as much as we do, so if you have any idea...
Lois: Oh, for God's sake. [to Malcolm] WHERE IS HE!!!
Malcolm: He came here to see Beebee. He's meeting her tonight. [to the camera] Oh my God, how did she do that?
Lois: I knew it. When did you talk to him?
Malcolm: Don't look at her eyes. Don't look at her... [Lois grabs Malcolm's head to face towards her] This morning and Dewey shoved a sandwich in the VCR.

Reese: Hey, what am I thinking right now?
Malcolm: I'm smart, I'm not a psychic.
Dewey: Can you understand what dogs are saying?
Malcolm: No.
Dewey: I can.