Dewey: Mom, can I have a story?
Lois: Once upon a time, there was a little boy that made his mom so crazy she decided to sell him to a circus.
Dewey: An evil circus?
Lois: No, a nice one with monkeys.
Dewey: Thank you.

Hal: [answering the phone] Hello! Oh, hi, Mr. Jackson. Well, yes, I do have a very good reason for not going in to work today. Well, how about this? I didn't come to work because somehow I felt that eight hours of joyless, mind-numbing crap just didn't seem like fun. Well, I guess we're just going to have to agree to disagree. [hangs up; rips the phone from wall]

Hal: Look at that sky, Malcolm. Just think. Somewhere out there, all those stars and planets, there might be at this very moment a space dad who just got kicked out of his space trailer, who's looking down on us. Or would it be up at us? Or maybe sideways?
Malcolm: Trust me, Dad, they're all looking down on us.

Hal: Now, I want to tell you what happens when a boy really, really likes a girl. And Dewey, I'll make this easy for you to understand. [looks around for toys and grabs a robot and a girl doll]
Malcolm: [to the camera] Oh, man! I still play with that.
Hal: You see, there's a certain thing that happens between normal healthy people. It's called chemistry. [accidentally fires toy gun from the robot] Well, that doesn't happen, except maybe the first time. But what does happen is this. [imitates robot] "I like you!" [imitates girl doll] "I like you, too!" [back to normal voice] ... and if they love each other and take their proper precautions, they'll have sex, but I've told you that already.
Dewey: [smiling] Not me.
Hal: Well, ask your brothers.
[Malcolm & Reese give disgusted looks]
Hal: If the boy is from our family, it goes a little more like this... "I like you." "I HATE you!" "Now, I LOVE you!" "LEAVE ME ALONE! Your insane neediness is driving me away!" "Look at me! Look at me, I'm crazy! Pay attention to me! I'm an idiot, watch me crash and burn! Woop-woop-woop, whoo!"

Lois: [Busting Reese on the intercom] What are you doing!
Reese: Nothing.
Lois: Get a glass.
[Reese tries to ignore Lois by trying to drink from the milk carton again]
Lois: Don't you dare! When I'm well, I'm going to beat you blue, mister. Get a glass!!!
Reese: All right! Okay!!!
Dewey: Can I have some milk?
Lois: Yes... but get a glass!
Dewey: Okay.

Lois: [sits with Malcolm on the dinner table while she hands him a can] Go ahead. It's a name brand. [opens the can, then Malcolm drinks it] I know you didn't do this. You're a good boy. But I want you to help me with this. This is serious. One of your brothers could've burned the house down. [shows Reese, but at a different time] And for that he will be severely punished. But the one who helps me will be a happy, little boy. [shows Dewey, also at a different time] And I want that to be you. [back to Malcolm] Because you always been the best one. [back to Reese] You've always been the best one. [back to Dewey] You have always been the best one.
Malcolm: Mom, honestly, I don't know.
Reese: [different time] I don't know.
Dewey: [different time] Don't know.

Lois: All right, I've had it! You two are banned from Nintendo.
Reese: OK! We're already banned from Nintendo.
Malcolm: [to audience] The sad thing is, he thinks he's outsmarted her.

Lois: Do you think we're wealthy?! Wealthy people drive fancy cars. They have fresh pasta. Do we do any of those things?! NO! Wealthy people can afford any of their vacations ruined, no big deal. They just pick up and go again. Your father and I worked so hard, so long. What is wrong with you two?! Are you aborigines?! Every time I turn around, I hear someone screaming and fighting. And I pray to God that's someone else's children, but it's not, it's always you! Sane children would appreciate this. Are you even thinking? No, you're always at each other like a couple of rabid monkeys. It is not enough you two do this every day, but you have to make me suffer. Well, help me....
[Comes to the realization that Reese and Malcolm are up to something.]
Lois: Don't you dare!
[Malcolm pushes Lois down the slide by the finger and she screams.]
Attendant: Arms and legs crossed at all times.
Reese: That's the bravest thing I've ever seen you do.
Malcolm: Yeah.
Reese: You're gonna die.
Malcolm: I know. So, you think Mom's going to be okay?
[Lois pulls the two of them down the slide as well]
Season 2

Lois: Hey, Francis, how's school?
Francis: Oh, couldn't be better, Mom. My new roommate showed me how to kill mice with a hammer yesterday. So, you know, between that and the general atmosphere of simmering homo-eroticism, I think I'm really starting to turn around.

Lois: Hi! We're just calling to check in. Let me speak with Francis.
Dewey: He's...in the bathroom.
Lois: Oh. Well, let me talk to Malcolm.
Dewey: He's...in the bathroom.
Lois: They're both in the bathroom? What are they doing in there?
Dewey: I have to go to the bathroom. [hangs up]

Lois: Malcolm, what is all that stuff from your teacher? That woman sends home two or three fliers every day.
Malcolm: She says she wants the parents to be involved as possible with the children.
Lois: At school? It's the only break I get!

Malcolm Ever since I can remember, we've always had trouble with baby-sitters.
[flashback]
Baby-sitter A: [cooing] Hello! Goochy, goochy, goochy, goo. Goochy, goochy-- [screams as her finger is bitten]
Baby-sitter B: I don't know, sweetie; what do you have behind your back? [screams, running from the house]
Baby-sitter C: [locked in the closet by Malcolm and Reese] You little losers, I've had enough of this! You open this door right now! Look, I'm a little claustrophobic, okay? Just open the door! Let me out! Come on!
[back to the present]
Malcolm: I don't know. I'm starting to think it might be us.

Malcolm: [about Malcolm's class picnic] There won't be any meat. They all decided they didn't want to eat anything that has a mother.
Dewey: Cousin Nancy doesn't have a mother.
Lois: That's right. She has two daddies.
Reese: Two guys as your parents? That house has to be a dude's paradise.

Malcolm: I can't stop thinking about what I did to Kevin. I feel like crap, and no one understands. Even you--you're supposed to be my friend and you don't even care.
Stevie: And yet...you keep...talking.

Malcolm: I think is time to move to plan B: lying.
[Scene switches to the kitchen]
Lois: What book report?
Malcolm: I just remembered. I have a big book report due tomorrow, and I haven't even started reading it. [to the camera] Standard technique. You volunteer a small crime to distract them from looking for the big one.
Lois: So what's the report on?
Malcolm: [[A Tale of Two Cities].
Lois: Oh, how many words?
Malcolm: 750.
Lois: Was that on your assignment sheet?
Malcolm: No, it's an addendum.
Lois: When did you get that?
Malcolm: Thursday. I didn't bring it home. That's why I forgot to do the assignment. [to the camera] Oh, nice one.
Lois: Well, I suppose that if it's school work.
Malcolm: [to the camera] That's the mislead. Wait for the reverse.
Lois: A Tale of Two Cities. Who's that by?
Malcolm: Charles Dickens.
Lois: Oh, I thought it was Victor Hugo.
Malcolm: No, it's Dickens.
Lois: Is that the one with Jean Valjean?
Malcolm: That's Les Miserables.
Lois: No, no. Isn't A Tale of Two Cities the one with Jean Valjean, where he says: "It's a far, far, better thing I do..." right before he steals the loaf of bread?
Malcolm: No. Sidney Carton says that before they behead him.
Lois: I thought you hadn't read it.
Malcolm: What? No, I said I hadn't written it.
Lois: And when is it due?
Malcolm: Tomorrow, I told you.
Lois: On Les Miserables?
Malcolm: Yes. No. A Tale of Two Cities.
Lois: Which you haven't read yet.
Malcolm: Right.
Lois: But you just said you did.
Malcolm: No. I-I said I didn't... and then you said... it was Thursday, and... [shouting angrily] Look, I just don't want to go to this stupid funeral!