Malcolm: It's been ten days since Mom lost her job. Yesterday for dinner we had macaroni and rice. Today, it's rice and macaroni.

Malcolm: Listen to the words: good, boy, cheerleader. Quit while you still have some dignity.
Reese: Oh, and let her think I'm a quitter.
Malcolm: You can't even remember a simple six-step routine.
Reese: There's six steps?
Malcolm: Yes. It's just right-left-right-left-reverse-pose.
Reese: You remember that by just watching?
Malcolm: You guys did it like ten times!
Reese: So, you know my routine?
Malcolm: It's not that hard.
Reese: But... you know my routine.
Malcolm: Yes, I do. Look, I know where this is going...
Reese: No, you don't. You're going to help me.
Malcolm: That is where I was going.
Reese: Oh, good. Let's get started.
Malcolm: No! Don't you know how embarrassing this is?
Reese: I know what's more embarrassing.
Malcolm: What?
Reese: Getting beaten to a coma by a good boy cheerleader.

Malcolm: Mom, I can't wear Reese's hand-me-downs. Look at this, Jell-o in the pockets, the fly's broken, and it smells like wet dog.
Lois: You should be glad he only wore it the one time.

Malcolm: Someone stole my friend's wheelchair.
Security Guard: What's it look like?
Malcolm: It's a chair... with wheels.

Malcolm: What do you mean he's only seven?!
Nurse: What's not to understand? He just turned seven. I guess you were too busy beating people to notice!
Malcolm: He CAN'T be seven. He's bigger than I am!
Nurse: He's in second grade! [cleaning up Kevin] Look at all this blood...
Malcolm: That's not blood, it's pizza sauce! Well that's blood, but...
[Caroline Miller enters the nurse's office]
Caroline: Oh my God... OH MY GOD! What happened?
Kevin: [bawling] I want my Teletubby!
Malcolm: A doll?! You can't play with dolls if you're seven... WHY ARE YOU SEVEN?!
Caroline: You beat up a seven-year-old?
Malcolm: I didn't know!
Caroline: Malcolm, I don't blame you. I put this squarely where it belongs... [close to tears] On me!
Malcolm: [to camera] Oh, man. This is the most horrible thing I've ever done! [to Kevin] Kevin, I'm sorry!
Nurse: I think you've done quite enough.
Kevin: This is the worst birthday ever!

Malcolm: You know, Francis, we never actually intended to show that letter to Mom. We were just trying to scare you.
Francis: I know, you guys would never do that to me.
Malcolm: But if she did see the letter, you know it was an accident, right?
Francis: Yeah, but Richie has the letter. Please tell me Richie has the letter.
Malcolm: Richie has coupons. Mom has the letter. But like I said, it was just an accident. I swear.
Francis: So the thing you were threatening to do all day but had no intention of doing you did, but didn't mean to?

Malcolm: You want to know the best part about childhood? At some point, it stops.

Reese: Hey, what am I thinking right now?
Malcolm: I'm smart, I'm not a psychic.
Dewey: Can you understand what dogs are saying?
Malcolm: No.
Dewey: I can.

Reese: I'm really adopted, aren't I?
Lois: No, you're ours, and we love you.
Reese: Damn!

Spangler: Hello!
Lois: Who are you?
Spangler: Edwin Spangler. I am Commandant of Marlin Academy.
Lois: Good for you. Where's your eye?
Spangler: Pardon?
Lois: Do your ears work? Do you have some business with my son? He needs to rest.
Spangler: Well, I stopped by to pick up your boy's homework.
Lois: Homework?! You're not giving him homework. My son nearly lost his life - something that never would have happened if you'd taken proper care of him in the first place.
Spangler: Well, I assure you, ma'am, had it not been for Francis' long history of crying wolf...
Lois: Crying wolf? You listen to me, you idiot! My child is sick. He does not need you marching in here, puffing up your little chest, and making his life more miserable than it already is. Why don't you just go play "army man" somewhere else?
Spangler: [walking away] God, she is magnificent.

[After cleaning up the house]
Reese: It's never been this clean before.
Malcolm: Uh-oh. It's too clean.
Francis: You're right. She'll never buy it.
[The boys start messing up the house]

[After finding out Francis escaped]
Malcolm: Mom, I think he's okay. [Lois looks up, Malcolm turns to the camera] Uh-oh, tactical error.
Hal: What do you mean?
Malcolm: I mean, he's always okay.
Hal: Malcolm, I know you like Francis as much as we do, so if you have any idea...
Lois: Oh, for God's sake. [to Malcolm] WHERE IS HE!!!
Malcolm: He came here to see Beebee. He's meeting her tonight. [to the camera] Oh my God, how did she do that?
Lois: I knew it. When did you talk to him?
Malcolm: Don't look at her eyes. Don't look at her... [Lois grabs Malcolm's head to face towards her] This morning and Dewey shoved a sandwich in the VCR.

[Francis is hanging upside down]
Stevenson: You are hanging over a bottomless pit. In five seconds, I will cut the rope. Are you scared now?
Francis: I'm really not. No.
Stevenson: [dropping the executioner's hood] Why not? This stuff is way scary.
Francis: I'm sorry, but this feels so amateurish. I mean I know you guys are trying, but I've been tormented by the best. Let me tell you a little bit about the master.
[Flashbacks occurs with Lois embarrassing a child Francis by yelling at the referee for a traveling foul. Then, it switches to a teenage Francis being more embarrassed by Lois as she shows his girlfriend his baby pictures in the photo album. Finally it switches to Lois in the boys locker room at Marlin Academy.]
Lois: [Yelling at Francis after he got out of the shower in a towel] It's an 8 inch scratch on the car, Francis. Do you know how much it's gonna cost to fix? If you think you are ever, ever, borrowing my car again, you are sadly mistaken. And I saw that tattoo, Jimmy. I'm telling your mother.
Francis: [flashback ends] And that's the stuff I didn't block out.
[The cult realizes the scare tactic wasn't working and decides to try something new. They replace the photo of a tormented man with a photo of Lois.]

[Hal comes home to see Reese and Malcolm kneeling with their noses against a door]
Hal: Oh, hello, boys. How long are you in for?
Reese: Another hour.
Hal: Yeaow.

[Lois appears holding a charred red dress.]
Lois: Fire? Fire? Fire?
Malcolm: Mom, what?
Lois: This is the most stupid, irresponsible, dangerous thing you have ever done! Is this what you want? Will we have to identify your charred little bodies through their dental records? I want a straight answer! Who did this?
Reese: Malcolm did it!
Malcolm: Reese did it!
Reese: I didn't do it!
Malcolm: I didn't do it!
Dewey: We're going to the dentist?