Caroline: Oh, come on. We've studied this. There is nothing dirty about the miracle of life. And we should all be able to discuss this openly.
Dabney: Who's the father?
Stevie: Does he... work here?
Caroline: All right, you know. I told you we are not playing this game again!!

Caroline: Okay, your Holiness, would you start the gay... as in happy... Harvest Possession.

Craig: (leaving) Jellybean and I are leaving now. Once again, I'm very sorry. I can't even look you people in the eye.
[Once gone, Lois decides to call it even knowing her sons' plans got Craig out of the house.]

Craig: (turns the truck on) I don't know why we have to go across town. It seems kind of silly.
Malcolm: Craig, I promise. It's the best ice cream in town.
Craig: Well, I'll be the judge of that.
[backs up the truck and runs over something, making a loud thud; he stops the truck]
Craig: What was that?!
[Dewey moves a rock out of the driveway to fool Craig into thinking that it was Reese's leg that he ran over]
Reese: (non-emotional) Ow! Ow, my leg! Ow! Ow!
[Dewey rolls eyes and hits Reese's bump. He begins sobbing and screaming]
Craig:: (quickly gets out of his truck, panicking) Oh, my God, what did I do?!
Malcolm: You ran over his leg!
Craig: Oh, no!
Lois: (runs outside) What happened? (sees Reese injured) Oh, my God, Reese!
[Reese continues sobbing loudly as Malcolm & Dewey look at each other and smile as their plan worked]

Craig: Any questions?
Francis: Which household product will kill me the fastest?
Craig: We're going to start you off with the cotton balls.

Craig: Francis, I want you to count all the malt balls. (hands Francis a clipboard and a pen as he walks off)
Francis: Should I start with the 40 in your belly?
Craig: I heard that... and I'm paying for those.

Craig: Trust me, anything you say won't hurt me.
Robber: Yeah, how about you give us all the money and every other cash register?
Craig: Oh, my God, a gun!
Lois: Craig, don't panic. We just give them the money from every cash register and they leave.
Craig: What about the safe?
Robber: What safe?
Craig: -ty, safe-ty of the customers.

Cynthia's Dad [to Malcolm]: Why did you throw a brick through my daughter's window at 2:00 am?

Cynthia [about Lois]: Well, at least she didn't strip us naked and take pictures.
Malcolm (sigh): The night is young.

Cynthia: Looks like Lloyd and Dabney are having a pretty intense conversation. Did you know I could read lips? (imitates Lloyd) I've noticed that 80% of my Doritos are isosceles triangles. (imitates Dabney) Wow! I'm impressed. Wanna kiss? (Malcolm and Cynthia giggle, Cynthia imitates Lloyd) I was hoping you'd ask. Lemme take a bite of my sandwich first. (Lloyd takes a bite, Cynthia imitates Dabney) Waiting such sweet agony. (Malcolm & Cynthia laugh again; Cynthia imitates Lloyd) Okay, I'm ready. (imitates Dabney) Oh, no, I'm not. I just took a bite of my sandwich. (imitates Lloyd) Oh, you're such a tease.
(Malcolm & Cynthia both laugh again and look at each other and are about to kiss, but Cynthia snorts; Malcolm gets up and leaves)

Cynthia: Thanks for inviting me to dinner.
Lois: Your quite welcome. I'm sure if my son wasn't a rude selfish little pig, he would have invited you himself.

Dewey [singing]: A-B-C-D. A-B-C-D. A-B-C-D.
Lady: Honey, it's A-B-C-D E.
Dewey: I know. [singing again] A-B-C-D. A-B-C-D.

Dewey [while playing a board game]: Hey, we look like the family on the box. (the family agrees) Can I be the little girl?
Hal: Not on my watch, son.

Dewey: I can dance... wanna see?
Patty: Okay.
Dewey (gets up and dances): Poopy, poopy, poopy, poopy, poop-y! Poopy, poopy, poopy, poo. (repeats over and continues dancing)
Malcolm (to the camera): This is embarrassing.

Dewey: I don't like ghosts. They eat little boys.