Lois: What's the matter, Craig?
Craig: What does it say on this jar?
Lois: "Craig."
Craig: Well I'm glad someone around here can read. The jar holds fourteen pickles. I had three yesterday, two for lunch today, and one and a half for snack. And now there are six and a half pickles in this jar. Simple math indicates...
Lois: Are you counting the one in your hand?
Craig: Ok, false alarm.

Lois (cleaning up): Underpants, in a closet. Human underpants!! I must not threaten you people enough.

Lois (to the boys after they got pulled over): No one make piggy noises, no one say they smell bacon, and no one claim that they're kidnapped.

Lois [to Craig]: Do you see the big buck knife that guy has? Do you want to antagonize him? Do you really want to feel that knife cutting through your flesh... (Craig starts passing out again) Craig, stay with me here. Damn.

Lois [to Craig]: I am going to have to destroy what ever made you say that. But believe me, its for your own good. #1: No to anything your thinking, no to the buts, no to your what if's, no, no, NO, NO!!!! #2: (she grabs Craig's arm and twists it)
Craig (cries): Owwwwwww.
Lois: Remember that pain. Whenever something else creep's in your head other than the friendly hello I give you in the morning, you remember that pain.

Lois [to Dewey]: What are you doing?
Dewey (scrubbing): I'm killing the germs. I hate germs. Germs are scary.
Lois: Don't forget the germs in the oven.

Lois [to Hal]: In 30 seconds, I'm going to instruct these men to let you go.
Hal: (all worked up) Thank you, Lois. Thank you.
Lois: And then you will have a choice. You can indulge your primal urges with him, or... you can come back to the motel...and indulge your primal urges with me.
Hal: (looks at Lois, then at Tom, then at Lois again) Don't trivialize my anger, Lois! I mean, there are some things that you just don't try to talk people out of. (calming down) I have a legitimate situation here.
Lois: (sympathetic) I know, baby. (kisses Hal)
(Hal calms down whimpering. The guards release Hal and Tom. Hal and Lois leave, arm in arm, but as Hal passes Tom, he smacks him. Tom gets feisty, but soon realizes that Hal/Lois are leaving innocently.)

Lois [to Hal]: What are you looking at?
Hal: Reese's report card, it is much better than last time.
Lois: Really?
Hal: Yeah, this time he used the exact same brand pen as the teacher to change his grade.
Lois: Look at that, he gave himself a "C" in math instead of "A+".
Hal: Yeah, it's subtle, nice attention to detail. He's really learning. Two months grounded?
Lois: 3 months, scrubbing toilets.

Lois [to Hal]: You are gonna finish it!
Hal: (filled with rage since he can't finish the painting) Fine! You want to see me finish it! I'll finish it!!! (picks up some paint and splashes it around the board) How about some here... and there... how about there??? (suddenly pauses and looks at the painting and fixes a few things and completes it)
Reese: Awesome!
Lois: Hal, I can't believe you did it. It's beautiful.
Hal: (happily) I did it!

Lois [to Hal]: You quit because a 6-year-old told you your job was awful?
Malcolm: You should have seen it, Mom. He made Dad cry.
Hal: The boy was cruel... but fair.

Lois [to Malcolm about Cynthia]: You be nice to that girl. It's obvious she has no friends.

Lois [to Malcolm about Mrs. Griffin]: You broke her arm?
Malcolm: She had my ball.
Lois: You broke her arm for a ball?
Malcolm: No, I already had the ball. I just pushed her away.
Lois: You pushed her and broke her arm for a ball?
Hal: Was it a special ball, son?

Lois [to Malcolm]: I talked to Mrs. Griffin. This is what's gonna happen. You are going there every day to help that poor woman until her arm heals.
Malcolm: Every day??!!
Lois: Not one word! Every day!! End of story!

Lois [to Malcolm]: Where's your jester costume?
Malcolm: In my backpack. I'll wear it at school.
Lois: Put it on. I didn't stay up all night for my health.

Lois [to the boys]: Now, remember, no throwing ice, no flicking butter at the ceiling, no sticking gum under the table, and no eating gum already stuck under the table!