The Boys: Diaper! Diaper! Diaper! Diaper! Diaper! (they throw it and watch with excited faces, then they later change to a disgusted one)
Francis: Well, let's not do any of those again.

Tom [to Hal]: Well that was still good on how you got him to scream like a girl.
Hal (embarrassed): No, that was actually me.

Victor: Because of what just happened, you want us to loan you $3,000?
Hal: Please. I know you're uncomfortable loaning to family, so let me be clear. With one phone call, I could have your asses thrown in jail for child endangerment. So, this money I'm asking for, it's not a loan. It's blackmail.
Ida: He's like your cousin Vaslefdt all over again.

(The Krelboynes are enjoying their joyride with Malcolm at the wheel. Soon the boys hide except for him.)
Malcolm: What? What's going on?!
(in slow motion, he sees his mother in a van passing by, both are shocked)'

[After Lois tells Francis that he owes the family $747.13 for the unpaid parking tickets.]
Francis: This is totally unfair! None of this would've happened if you weren't such a reckless driver!
Lois: Excuse me??!!
Francis: When I park too close to a mailbox, I didn't endanger anyone's life.
Lois: I didn't endanger anyone. I was pulled over by a corrupt cop for a traffic violation that I didn't commit!
Francis: [sarcastically] Oh, but when I say I've been framed by the cops, you send me to military school! Ironic, isn;t it?!
Lois: That cop was out to get me!
Francis: Of course he was. Everyone's out to get you. And the neighbor's cat's the ringleader. Didn't you know that?
Lois: Ha-ha, you can laugh all you want, Francis. But until you come up with the money, you are not coming home.
Francis: Where am I supposed to get $700?! You're just using this to keep me here.
Lois: Yeah, that's right. It was the cat's idea.

[At the house on both sides. On one side is Lois watching T.V. with Dewey in a channel he isn't enjoying. On Hal's home side, Dewey is eating pizza and watching a movie. In both scenes, they see the car's flashing lights. On Lois' home side, she carries Dewey to his room and tucks him to bed. On Hal's side, he walks into his room and drags his father out of bed and onto the couch. Dewey hands Hal a pizza slice before heading back into his room. In both sides, Hal and Lois comes home with the boys.]
Lois and Hal:[Home side] So how'd it go?
Hal and Lois:[Bowling side] Next time, you take them.

[Dewey fakes crying to Lois as she walks towards his room carrying a laundry basket.]'
Lois:: Not Buying It.

[Francis and his date are pulled over by a police officer.]
Officer 2: License and registration, please.
Francis: Officer, what did I do?
Officer 2: This car was reported stolen.
Francis: Oh, it's been reported stolen, huh?
[digs into wallet to find nothing but a small slip saying "It Gets Worse!"]
Officer 2: I'm not gonna ask you again.
Francis: Sir, I know this looks bad...
[Francis and the cop hears banging in the trunk]
Officer 2: Open the trunk!
Francis: Officer, let me explain...
Officer 2: OPEN THE TRUNK!!!!
[Francis unlocks the trunk as the officer opens it and finds Malcolm & Reese in the back tied up]
Officer 2: GET OUT OF THE CAR!!!!!!!

[Francis attempts to eat 100 marshmallow "quacks"]
Cadets: 61! 62! 63!... [horrified] 62... 61... [enthusiastic] 62! 63! 64!

[Hal has just put both feet on the brake of the van to frustrate the silver Volvo.]
Lois: Oh good lord Hal, he could have a gun. Just pull over and let him pass.

[Malcolm and Reese are locked out of the house at night.]
Malcolm: What are we going to do now?
Reese: [falls into a cesspool via a trap they had set up earlier] AAAAAHHHH! Oh my God! What is this stuff?
Malcolm: Well, at least the night isn't a total loss.

[Malcolm and Reese take turns eating expired food from the refrigerator]
Malcolm: When was the last Christmas we had eggnog?
Reese: I think before Dewey.
[The carton hisses ominously as it is opened]
Malcolm: It's all you, man.
[Reese chugs the eggnog and begins gagging loudly]
Malcolm: [aside] This is a game that has no winners.

[Reese is arguing with the driver of an ice cream truck who refuses to sell ice cream in the middle of traffic]
Reese: This is just wrong! You can make money and please children! This is a senseless act! You are evil! Pure evil!
Ice cream truck driver: Heh! If you kids are not willing to discuss this sensibly...
[The driver shuts himself in the truck]
Reese: You son of a...
Malcolm: Look, there's nothing you can do!
Reese: Yes, there is! I can... I can...
[Screaming, Reese runs forward and head-butts the side of the truck, then staggers back in pain]
Jessica: And the Nobel Prize goes to...
Malcolm: Hey, you're talking about my brother! Good one.

[Reese is playing around with Victor's army paraphernalia, when he pulls the safety pin off a grenade.]
Victor: God in Heaven!
Reese: What? What?!
Victor: This is live grenade! Do not let go of the handle, or we both die!
Reese: I don't want to die!
Victor: Don't worry, all we have to do is find the pin. Find the pin, put the pin back in, and everything will be fine.
[The pin breaks; the two of them are shocked]
[Malcolm is soothing his black eye when Victor and Reese run in, still locked by the grenade.]
Victor: (to Reese) Quit crying like baby.
Malcolm: What's going on?
Reese: Grandpa gave me a live grenade. It's really cool. You wanna hold it?!
Victor: No, no, no! It's for you, not him.
Malcolm: Oh my God! We have to call the police!
Victor: No! No police! No police, please! There's no reason to panic. [Throws the phone on the table out of the room]
Malcolm: Yes, there is! You gave Reese a live grenade, and he's a total idiot!
Reese: He's right. I am. I don't think I should have it anymore. Here!

[After Stevie punches Reese]
Kitty: Stevie, what the hell do you think you're doing?! You are in so much trouble! This behavior is totally unacceptable! We are at a restaurant. What is wrong with you? (Stevie is about to speak) Don't you take that tone with me! You just wait till we get home!
Reese: He bruised the bone.
Lois: Oh, like you didn't deserve it. (to Kitty) Good for you! I knew you had it in you.
Kitty: Shut your trap!
Waiter: Excuse me, don't you mind please keeping it down?
Kitty: Would you mind going to hell?! And I absolutely did order tea! How hard is it to remember a stupid drink order, you idiot?!
Abe [drunk]: Kitty, there's going to be some changes...
Kitty: (to Abe) And you, Mr. Ho Hos in his sock drawer! Who do you think you're kidding?
Lois: Honey, you have to pace yourself.
Kitty: (to Abe) And another thing, Don Juan. There are two people in that bed!